Tuesday, November 30, 2004

There's More To ME

I started this because I strongly believe that I have something to say and I hope that everyone who reads about my life will find it interesting, life changing as well as funny.

There are 5 topics that I usually talk about a lot and they are follows:

1. My family
2. My Job
3. My daughter’s father
4. My heartache
5. SEX (This is my favorite)
And they are all from the point of view from a “Head Strong Latin Woman”.

So sit back and enjoy my life and please feel free to comment.

Renascence Woman

I considered myself a Renascence Woman; a woman of many talents. I believe it to be true because every time I read one of my horoscopes it always says, “Move, start that business venture and write that novel you can get it done.” I don’t remember my horoscope ever saying that before… It’s most likely because I wanted to do something for all the wrong reasons; yes I’ll admit it there was a time that my reasons for wanting things was to stick it to someone and then nothing good happened for me… But now I really I don’t care what anyone thinks I believe in me.

I know that’s pretty cocky for me to say but I have spent so much time worrying about everyone thinks and never caring what I thought or I knew or what I believe. Why do I have to do things the way others tell me I should; just because that is what other are use to doesn’t mean that is what is right for all.

There things about me that I knew before they even happen. One was that I knew that is would have a little girl and only a little and that I would never get married. The other thing that I knew was that I would be a writer and no matter how my family or any of my boyfriends did not back me up I kept on believing in my dream of being a writer. I never gave up on that dream because to me it was always real enough for me to touch. I never believed that I couldn’t do it. I always knew I meant to create worlds and people.

I guess that why I am writing this because I want other women out there to know that it doesn’t matter what any one says you can do what ever you heart desires. Life is what we make it so all we have to do is start drawing the picture (with pen!!!)

When I turned thirty I made a promise to myself that I was no longer going to apologize for me that I was just going to live my life the best way I know how. Because to be honest I trust myself an I know I would never do any wrong by me and my daughter; I trust myself and I know that is a hard thing for some people to say.

Monday, November 29, 2004

In The Beginning

There are so many things that I need to do that my mind goes crazy thinking about it. I can’t sleep at night because my mind won’t let me rest.
I need to quit smoking
I need to get my bills & my finances in order
I need to get my novel on its way. Maybe not finished but on its way.
I need to get my daughter ready for first grade & make myself in to best mother and role model I can be.
I need to make my apartment into a home for my daughter and me.
I need to get over expecting her father to help us.
I need to help for my daughter & myself to have a life that is little bit more comfortable for us.

And I need to get this all done for and by my 30th birthday. Not in any particular order but I know that I’ve given myself until the day after my birthday the (which is the 11th) to quit smoking; which in reality gives me around 120 days. The number is depressing because it feels like it tomorrow. As it is right now I am so broke so I paid my rent late and I still have no phone or cable in my house. I have the worse case of writer’ block and my laptop broke. I have so much shit all over the place and no money to buy the things that I need to get my stuff in order. Now you see why I am waiting until the day after my birthday to quit smoking.

My heart and my gut tells me that I can do it…but so many things get in my way it makes me want to scream. My plan is that I will get myself out of this so I want to through a small party for myself for my 30th; to celebrate my day all that I have accomplished. But like today my heart is heavy and mind is spinning. I know a lot of women who are not in relationships with a child’s father and the parent’s work together to provide a good life for their child. I don’t have that. I have a man who claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But how can I spend the rest of my life with a man that sees me struggling and does not offer to help me. I have fallen on hard times in my apartment before and I’ve only asked him for help once. But he acts like I beg him for money all the time. I know that if I had it and he needed it (which he has) I would help me.

As a woman I find it wrong to ask for help from your when it is so obvious that you need it; especially when my daughter is his daughter. He sometimes makes me feel like he’s not her father and just some guy I’m dating. So the why am I with him? I ask myself that everyday and the only answer that I can come up with is because I had to give him one more chance for my daughter’s sake and myself so that I wouldn’t ask myself later on in life “WHAT IF?”