If there is 1 thing about me that people close to know it is that I am not big on forgiving because I never forget & I never forget because I write almost everything in a journal or now I blog it.

So my older sis open a door that to be honest I was very happy it was closed....Damn FB LOL. I have an ex that I can't stand because to be honest he only dated me to get to my sis & he caused a huge mess not to mention I was 16 & he was 19 so I was pretty heartbroken.

So now 20 years later because I will be 36 this year she goes looking for him with MY FB account so of course now he wants me to be his friend & I'm like WTF & Why the FUCK!!!!

So today we actually spoke because of comment I made on a mutual friends page & he was begging me to friend him and forgive him. So after a few emails back an forth I called him (Blocked my # of course)cuz I felt hey you want to talk to me sooooo bad then fine you will get the BITCH then. So I let him have it & it felt pretty good too HE HE HE HE.

So later today I get a comment back from the mutual friend for me to forgive the ex-jerk...he's found God...he's a changed man. And I'm like so freaken what that doesn't change the fact that he was an asshole. But after a few back & forths with the mutual friend I said I would think about it. CRAP!!!!!

Relationships Yay or Nay

So I was chatting with my older & young sis today on the Phone about pretty much the same topic. Which is why I don’t like nor want a relationship. Now my definition of a relationship is someone that family and friends know about. Someone who time yes can work you last nerve but in the end you still want to be with them and there is no one else in the world who gets you. And doesn’t want to change and they don’t always put themselves first….so as you can see I do not have one of those.

Now here is my problem with relationships (for the woman)

1. We end up giving up a part of our self for the relationship…whether it be going out with friends, little bad habits that honestly we don’t mind but your partner can’t stand

2. Life is no long about “You or just plain old Me” now its about “Us & We”

3. Being taken for granted…it happens we tend to say “yeah they will always be there.” and BAM she stops shaving he stops showering etc LOL…you know it happens

But think the biggest reason I am the way I am is because…I’m not done with me yet…there is still a lot of me that still needs work and right now I can’t be worrying about someone else’s dreams and putting mine on hold again.

Wake & Bake

There are certain things about me that as a BF or rather wanna be hubby you should know…things that I like and I expect. And to be honest I don’t think that I am asking a lot. I have a lot of GFs that ask for a lot more from there men. I try and do the 50/50 thing but it never works for me.

I gave up smoking cigarettes almost 4 years ago don’t get me wrong when I go out with my GFs I sometimes sneak a cigarette with the girls (and I don’t go out all that often) but there is 1 thing about me that I will not change (or at least I’m not ready to give it up) I have to have my morning joint. Now the word there is joint…not blunt, not bong hit…joint!!!!!

Now wanna be hubby looooooves to claim that we have been together 13 years. When in all realitywe broke up 3 times and we both had 2 not 1 but 2 separate apts and not to mention he was engaged to another woman but he still says 13 years…what the fuck ever…I hate that….

But if you want to talk shit then you should know the little things about me that would piss me the fuck off and turn me the fuck off to you. But no not him he is still very much clueless. So this morning I was looking for the paper so I can roll my morning joint and not only could I not find it (2 packs of easy wider) but when I wake him up to ask him were it is (cuz he was the last to roll) he get pissed off.

Now people if he worked and had to get to a job to get to then yes he has every right to get pissed off but since his ass doesn’t get up until 11 sometimes 12pm fuck that not to mention I have to take OUR daughter to school every day on the bus and he doesn’t even offer to let me sleep a little later or if I’m not feeling well like the other day I twisted my ankle and I couldn’t get up on Monday and what does he say “just leave her home I’m too tired I can’t take her.” Are you fucken kidding me…For real.

I mean I can sit in my office all day and never hear from him not even a hello txt...if I don't contact him I will never hear from. What kind of crap if that? I mean in this day & age of Blackberries, Txting, IMing how can I not get even a hello?

I have to admit it saddens me that my mind & heart are…rethinking my relationship…but honestly can you call I that?

Day 2 of experiment and nothing again

Experiment

I conducted an experiment last night and to be honest I already the answer-the outcome. I just got over my monthly pain in the ass. And I have been attacking wanna be hubby since my 35th b-day. And I have laid in bed for 2 days in cute little girl boxers and a tank top and nothing not a look not touch.

I know he is breaking his ass to try and get the rent paid but honestly is all the time away really about paying the rent or is he getting tired of being around me. Ad to be honest I don’t think it would really bother me. I lived without him before and can do it again but then why hand on…why so that no one else can have me…isn’t that a little selfish.

So why am I hanging on if I am feeling this vibe from…well wanna be hubby can be a little stalkerish (yes I made up a new word just call me Webster)My mind and my part of my heart is telling me to figure out a way to tell him. I think things are not working…even with me attacking him all the time. I’m trying but I really don’t think I’ the commitment type not now…maybe never.

But I know him he will lose his mind and the ugly little stalker will pop his little head out. And I hate that guy.

He wants me to jump and help him his new business venture but when I was working on mine (Still am by the way)he never had time for me (he still has no time for me...well except at midnight)

Birthdays & Families

Good morning & new readers...today is one those family function days...a birthday party that I some how got roped into planning. And to be honest I am not all that sure she even appreciates that I am doing this. But I will do it with a big smile on my face a mimosa in my hand and looking fabulous.

I mean what is the point of me getting upset at my sis even when she is mean to me my parents will always "Oh just ignore her. She's not as strong as you are." Aden to a point that is true BUT I still do have feelings inside the cold strong woman they think I am.

They think this of me I a lot more then I should sometime "FUCK IT!!!! I play by my rules." Shit I'm going to be 36 this year & it's time I do what makes me happy.

I maybe returning tonight with another entry depending on this day goes lol.

(middle of Chapter 9)

To My Followers

To my blogger followers,

I want to thank you for following my page and if you ever have any questions please feel free to post your comment I try and answer them all.

Thank you again...its because of you guys I keep writing

Sometimes it has to be about ME!!!!!!!!

If a person has been through there share of drama and crap is it safe to say they should be able to see the warning signs of a storm to come?

I ask this because Mr. Wanna-be-BF to is asking somewhat they he use to before. Lazy about get work and always looking for the easy way out of everything…what friend can help out or hook him up? I do everything in power to get that I get for me on my own. But with him he has no problem not doing that. I kind of find it a turn off. Another thing that turns me off about him…if I don’t call or txt him I will never hear from him unless I do it first. Which sucks…why do men get so comfortable so quickly? And once they do the romance goes right out the window and in comes the taking for granted.

And people wonder why I don’t believe in marriage…I have 1 kid I need a BIG Baby on top of that!!!!!

And my ex friend the one I wrote about last year has been IMing trying to get back in my good graces. Now I’m the type of person that I can stay mad but I have learned that I cannot be anyone’s door mate. I gave so much of free time and my mind to her and her needs I neglected me and things important to me. I wasn’t writing as much as I use to because I gave her all my time.

I am going to be 36 this year and I am taking my selfishness with me on my Birthday because I am tired of doing & worrying for everyone else and never having the time for me.