A walk can take you on a journey

So I know that I haven't posted "Put Up or Shut Up" yet and there is a reason for that...I have to do the same thing. I have been living this double life for over a year even though I put my foot down a few months ago. So a few days ago because I hold sooooo much inside of me I had a panic attack. It was so bad that 911 was almost called. Now I have never really had 1 except for 1 almost 10 years ago but I didn't realize it at the time.
So now days later I'm sitting in my nook Blackberry in hand sending this out because I realized something-my panic attack had to do with trust. I panicked that I just may trust his bullshit again & let me tell you something ladies & gentlemen he is blowing some major smoke up my ass and whether he means it-if he is truly sincere about all the things he is saying it's a shame because all I see is smoke.
I don't trust him anymore not matter how much love is there I don't trust him to have my back not the way I have had his.
Being his friend is killing me...as well as putting me on hold. Now I have never allowed any other man to do that to me why should allow it from him.

They say when you point a finger at someone you are actually point 3 back at yourself. And I saw this weekend that is very true. For the all blaming and pointing fingers I did at him the one I was mad at the most was me because I trusted him again...Me... no one else & I know my daughter is just as nice & forgiving as I am. And I know I shouldn't have forgiven Music man or WBD as many times as I did. But I did and I can't change that. I can only except, learn & move on.
And my panic attack was my fear that I would do it again...forgive when I know deep down inside. I shouldn't-forgive out of guilt & expected responsibility. When I know damn well that I am not that kind of woman...not anymore. I have always said that I would rather be with someone for all the right reasons then all the wrong reasons.
He says that I am his best friend...well of course I am why wouldn't I be. I have always been there for him...I have always had his back. I defended him to everyone but thinking back when has he ever had mine?
And when I threw my question at him...I really knew that I was just throwing it at myself. But when he answered my question finally "would you want our daughter with someone like you?" His answer (and remembering it now still makes my heartbeat painfully fast & makes my head hurt) "as long as he could put a roof over her head"
Well he ripped my heart out of my chest & handed it to me and I watched it turn to dust. Because he was tell me in so many words "hey lady we are soooo not on the same page."

And so for almost a week I lost myself in sadness but today on my walk listening to my music a thought crossed my mind and this was it:
"Do I want to be with a man who will always lose his appreciation for me & when it happens it will always kill me or would I rather be with men that appreciate me and if they lose it I honestly wouldn't care?"

And I say men and not caring about losing there appreciation because I never had many boyfriends & my friendboys well all though I cared deeply for them I never gave myself not completely so I moved on quickly. But WBH when he looks pasted me and doesn't see what he has standing in front of him it kills me. So why go through that...I have never had a problem with sleeping alone.
And I'm fine with never find someone to fully appreciate me & not love me for me. BUT to love me (even claim to love me) and not appreciate me I can't stand for that.
So I must put this to an end for my own sanity.
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"Back Pain"

I never have to wondered were my back pains come from or were my lack of sleeping comes from either. They both come from stress. And for as long as I have been writing this blog...wait the reason why I started this blog was to release some of my stresses. And instead of me returning to what I know which is throwing myself into my blog like I use to. I simply can't find myself writing about this road. Although it feels very familiar but I feel different like a different traveler going down it.

And I'm not sure if the blog will help me... If it will be enough. There is a part of me because I know I'm going to experience a lot of the same heart aches from before and it should be shared for my sanity. There is another part of me that screams "YOU can't keep writing about the same bullshit anymore!"

And I've been thinking whats good for the goose is just as good for me. I wrote an entry that I am still editing titled "Put up or Shut up". (Editing: my own personal way of punishing myself lol) And all I can say is that my focus needs more focus. I mean who am I to say anything to anyone about there life choices when I feel like I'm not owning my life and I don't follow my own advise at time. And I'm still afraid of letting my words out to world.

So I feel this blog needs to find its end & it need to be a good one. Because there needs to be a new chapter a new story.

Be on the look out for "Put up or Shut up"
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Wonder wonder where you are

Dearest Followers,

I have not forgotten about you and I am sorry I haven't been updating but to be honest I can not but the things that happen in my life in order.

I am trying as usual to make sense of all the things life & fate has thrown at me...which I have excepted with open arms...the god, the bad & the ugly.

I'm working on being strong...
More to come
I
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We Learn Even From Th Bad

I know I have been MIA for a little while and that is because life stepped in and reminded me that I'm not the 1 behind the wheel.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine passed away at the very young age of 37...in a very freak accident. So between me & LB ending, my supposed BF trying to come back in my life and just simply being a bitch in the end & WBH I was feeling lost and very confused...I felt no purpose. But then 1 morning I up and was just tired of being sad and I started feeling like my old self again. But in doing that I started to realize something about me a question that has been stirring in the back of mind for as long as I can remember...
Now I know I am a Lover of Love BUT am I capable of being & staying in a committed relationship?
I mean my own family...my blood the people who are suppose to except you no matter want to try and change me & I won't change & I rebel all the time against them I'm a million times worse with a man.
I don't know what I'm going to do about the plan I set for my 36 bday because honestly I don't know if I want a relationship anymore...
But I can't help but wonder if I can live without love? Can I just be happy living in lust?
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I'm still at a loss for words

There are days I want to scream out the world "WHAT THE FUCK ARE TRYING TO TELL ME?" But I can't because people will look at me strange.

Last night I treat my lil 1 & WBH out to dinner and while I'm standing in the door way lost in thought about nothing really-I get a tap on my shoulder and who should it be LB.

Why is I never ran into him before or when I'm alone or with my girls but the 2 times I do I'm with WBH.

So I did like I usually do...calm and cool like he is just anyone and he wasn't alone either but to be honest I barely looked at her. I was too busy being in awe...in awe at the fact the he said hello & when I turned around to try and do an introduction WBH wasn't there so there was need for it. I have other close calls as well.

Its strange...
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Closure & finally feeling good about it

Hello loyal reads today’s entry is dedicated to a LB…I learned a lesson knowing him and I am not sure if I will get the opportunity to say this in person “I’m glad for having known you…thank you.” So the letter I would have written to him I put here.

Dear friend-you're my muse this morning...my blog which I have neglected for a minute is going to be about some the crap that has been running this mind of mine...first off let me allow me to say "Thank you.” Thank you for reminding me of the type of woman I really am." Before you met me I was like I told you in our 1st IM "I'm like a guy with big boobs." I just didn't care and I was letting my desire lead the way never letting my heart really get involved. I kept my heart & dreams to myself because honestly-trust is a very difficult thing for me.

But in meeting you I was reminded that I want to trust again but who I need to trust is myself & the choices I make and that’s what has been killing me. When I 1st met you I lumped you in with the rest of the men I knew or have come across but you were different you became a friend and it was nice. You & I want very different things out of life BUT you reminded me that I still "I WANT something".
These are the good things that ran through my mind the bad is how I have failed badly in past & I wonder if I even have the right to try again with a child at the age she is.

Since you've moved on I have hung with the girls & the my guy friends & I pulled out the little black book again but this time it really didn't want that empty life I have been living I wanted more. I want fun and laughter and cuddling and that mushy crap. LOL

Then my past came back to haunt me with promises of offer me ALMOST all things I want.

So I have been stuck wondering…do I keep living the way I have been for God knows how long pretty much disconnected?
My family has told me that in the past few months the bitch in me has defrosted a little & so pay I credit where it’s due...you were the 1st person who was nice to me just be nice and now I think I MIGHT (still working it though) to put myself out there again...for real.

So thank you...

And I do hope you meant it for us to be friends because good people are hard to come by these days you were always great to talk too and I always felt like you wanted what’s best for me.

Wish me luck & I send out to you Blessings and the BEST of wishes and I hope you find someone that sees how sweet & nice I think you are
I hope I get to give you my token of my appreciation in person & before your next concert you might want to wear it.

Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart

Working on Me

So I have been going through my own little bit of personal and emotional drama…that now looking back it’s my fault entirely and here is why. I haven’t gotten my heart involved with anyone in years. I usually look for the ungettable (another made up word of mine) and I stupidly did that with LB. When I had no business doing that. I mean my life with WBH is still up in the air I haven’t even taken care of that yet. SO what business do I have looking at someone that is suppose to be wonderful.

There is part of me that want to believe all the wonderful things he said to me because I am as wonderful as he said I am and I am the type of woman he said I am. But there is a part of that doesn’t want to believe it easier to hate someone and not be with them then it to not be with them and still feel good feelings about them.

And I also learned that no matter who I choose in my life my sis will not be happy for me. Her jealousy will always get the best of her. And talking to her about matter of the heart will NEVER help me.

I am better off following my gut…my gut told me to end when I started liking him and I listened to her BIG mistake…
And believe that someone out there will take as the woman I am terms and conditions included.

But it would be nice if he'd prove me wrong and still wants keep some kind of friendship with me...it would be very reassuring to be proven wrong that not all men are lying assholes...i guess only time will tell