Toxic PPL

OMG WTF...my supposed Gf who has be making & breaking plans had the fucken nerve to question my friendship...when she's been the 1 who has bee canceling all be cause I don't spend 50 hours on the phone.

And I learned something to this morning...I learned that ppl like The Music Man (an ex) and my supposed GF....they have so many insults about me but they can never answer the question "if so horrible then why have me in your life"....well I figured out the answer....

Because I make them feel better about themself. Well you know what I'm here to make them feel better about them self by putting me down...


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Weird World

Last night my mind was filled with thoughts...

1 being my mother we have such a strange relationship...good but not as good as a mother & daughter relationship should be. Maybe because at one point we crossed the line of mother & daughter and attempted to be friends. And well friendship is not something a mother & daughter should attempt.

And here is why...mothers will except, love & appreciate our children...no matter how mad we get at them... even disappointed that love & hope we have for them will always be there for our children it never goes away. And to a point that same love and exceptions for the child towards the mother is the same BUT since we are the adult-and we give guidance in this life there is always the possibility of us (the mom's) popping that bubble of MotherGreatness.

I don't want to be my daughter's friend. I'm satisfied with just being her knight in shining armor...:that's good enough for me.

My 2nd thought is of course is WBH. And I wonder if ALL men are like him & the rest of the jerk wods I've dated? There is a line from 1 of Pink's song and the quote I believe describes me to the T...
"I Do Not Trust So I Can NOT Love"
I have such a hard time trust men...because every time a put a little afford in them they turn around and show there true colors.
And the appreciation goes out the window.

I cook dinner every night, I wash is clothes, I keep the house & a million other things and WBH complains about cleaning up dog shit & feed the dog for me...what kind of crap is that. And today lil1 called she isn't feeling well now he's off (cuz he don't have a job lazy shit) but of course who is picking her up from school? ME why you may ask since I am the one at work. Because he has to go to the gym give me a break.
And now the business now he has all this money to advertise but what about when I was running it he didn't have a dime to spare.
3rd thought my supposed GF...she emailed, she came looking for me after our BIGGGG blow out and every time we have tried to get together she canceled I've available been available. And now she complaining as to why I don't call her (since we've been trying to get together) and I'm thinking...how the hell can she be bitchy about me not calling.

And you know what I'm not even mad...I should be but I'm not. WBH is partly my fault because I honestly wanted to believe that he found his way. What can I say I'm a sappy sucker.

I just want some peace.

1 last thought I am missing being single. I know anyday now WBH is going to start bitching about my new social life & you know what I don't care if he does bitch...all I care about is getting out debt
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Part 2 of Good News

So when I got home yesterday just like I expected WBH had nothing for me...no champagne, no flowers-not a flower. JERK-OFF

Oh well I kind of expected it anyway. And this why I'm NOT dropping what I am doing (which is something all the time) to help try and help to start the business up again.

I'm not letting my dream fall to the side again.

The same goes for any so called friend I may have
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I think I maybe too nice....

So my old BFF who I had the fight with...has been IMing me, emailing me & so on. So since forgiveness is something that is being shoved down my throat I figure...since I'm the VIRGO mother earth & all I would extend the olive branch. Not just once, not twice but 3 times and she hasn't met up with me yet. As a matter of fact she's even canceled on a few dates to hang with other ppl.

I didn't only do this with her but since my sis open the door to my pandora box from the past. I extended an olive branch to someone to be perfectly honest I was very happy never ever speaking to him again. But since my sis open the door & I was asked for forgiveness I actually took it to consideration. 2 mails & and no reply...

So I ask why bother looking for me if you don't want to have anything to do with me?
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Good News

So today I got my signed contract from the ppl that want to buy some of my short stories....mom' s happy. Now I have to make a web page to help promote my stuff. I have waited my whole life to be signed. I got my foot in the door. And NO man did it for me as a matter of fact I've gotten very little support from the men in my life.

Which brought a thought to my forever wondering brain...since WBH opened my mail (yeah I hate that too) will he do anything to congratulate me?

It's for that reason I prefer to be single because it such a sad & disappointing thing when the person who is suppose to know you better then anyone in the world disregard the most important thing in your life.. But can I expect from him that's who he is...self involved..

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I don't trust so I can NOT love ~pink~

7:30amThat line is the complete truth of me. Haven't heard from LB in 2days so I'm playing hookie today & taking my sexual. Anger out on someone

3:56pm well my afternoon was as good as it could be with hubby but my mind was else were. For some reason when I have sex Wondering what LB was doing & why my messages were going through & why he wasn't answering. I don't like feeling this way.
4:30pm. Its like he can feel when I'm doubting him because right after I put that post up LB imed me & he did break his phone but here is the true question...should I believe him.? A part of me wants to and I don't know why.

8:53pm. Have you ever just wanted to kiss your man and go to call him over to make out. Well I did that with hubby& as usual I was told to wait.
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Sometimes I wonder why I try

From this morning I had a gut feeling that my picnic with WBH was going to not what I was hoping for...

And now its 4am & I'm sitting my living room and I feel like crying....

From this morning he woke and 2minutes after he woke he was nasty.& rude. Then I pretty much had to walk him through creating the picnic. And then right before we my thing I call a dog pissed all over the floor now she's a pit & when she pees its a river annoying but there is no need to punch her in the leg. So of course I went off on him but I go on the picnic anyway. That goes well

But of course when we get home he has to start his shit...yes he pays the rent but I pay everything else & con ed is killing me. But of course he has to everything I do no big deal & even when I prove him wrong he still won't admit it.

I'm so sick of his shit & this has absolutely has nothing to do with my other life but I am tired of the one with him that's for sure & I was feeling frisky today too. W hat a freaken waste.
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Check up from the Neck up

People wonder what makes the eye roam...why does some look else were?????

Well it can be as simple as some people (men cuz I am woman) ARE CLUELESS!!!!!!!

Wanna be hubby is home all day doing pretty much nothing...so there are times that I might feel a little bad about my other life so i try and made it up to him. but then again he opens that damn mouth of his and its like bursting a bubble.

So I planned for WBH & I have to a picnic in the city but due to situations beyound my control the city is out. SO I suggest somewhere near home then he says fine. I ask were am I meeting you at his bright ass answer

"At the house so you can pack the picnic"

Now how bright is he cuz if we were going to have it in the city how was I going to pack it?


CLUELESS!!!!!!!!

Friday

8:20am loVer boy is on his way to a great vacation and I'm glad that I was able to hang with him. And this morning as I got ready for work...I looked down on wanna-be-hubby as he laid there sleeping. & I wondered why he couldn't make me happy (besides the obvious) & how much I hate living 2 lives....and then he woke up. If you could see my face. I'm rolling my eyes....

I work all day when shit goes missing the its usually because HE put somewhere it doesn't belong but yet he gets mad me.

9:15am so maybe it was out of guilt or to throw him off my scent but I made a suggestion for some lil sweet afternoon outing...since I sent a nice part of my afternoon yesterday with lover boy. I figured having an afternoon with wanna be hubby was only right. And now I'm wondering why I even try with his crabby ass....oh yeah so I Can havea little of my life.
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Ok so I have a major with a man or a woman who HAS to be up there partners ass. I enjoy my time alone...thinking, writing or what ever just being me. Wanna-be-hubby would be my panties if I let him. To be honest I miss when we lived separate lives. Because any man I dated I really didnt care about hurting there feelings.
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Insight into ME!!!!!

So I've really never figured out this whole blogging & blackberry but this is my 2nd traveling blogg...

Something personal about me I don't do well with the being vulnerable thing. I hate feeling needy or weak I am the type takes care of things. So when someone wants to take over I feel weak & I don't feel like me & I hate that. I spent so much of my life being weak the mere idea of it makes me sick...replying on mom, dad some man...not my cup of tea.

So when I found that my taxes weren't going to go the way I thought they might...I called my new friend (more about that in another post) because they are a financial advisor I figured I would call. And you know what he wanted to help or fix who knows but either which way I felt completely uncomfortable-weak but I still need the help & I don't want someone to just run and fix my problems because then I'll feel like I owe them & I think I hate that more.

So I have to find a middle ground where I still feel like I'm in control because what really matters in the end is that I get out of this thing with wanna be hubby without blood shed...


PS Welcome new Readers

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

One of my oldest and dearest girlfriends in the world use to always say to me “You should write the story of your life.” And my response is usually “My life would be perfect for a Spanish Novela” because there is never a dull moment.

I was started the good work my way to the bizarre and end with what really sucked.

A couple of days ago I asked ad on CL’s for a 7 diary keeper and my email was picked so I will be writing (for free which I don’t mind) but at least I will be published online and I heard from this woman on z100 that sometimes you have to work for free or cheap to get to were you want in life…to make your dreams some true. My first deadline is today…I’m pretty happy.

Then a few weeks ago I answered an ad for erotic fiction writers and when I never heard back from them I kind of gave up. But a few days ago I got and email saying they were still looking for writers and for me to send them a page and drum roll please THEY LOVED IT AND THEY EMAILED ME A CONTRACT!!!!!! So I am on cloud nine

Now the bizarre…I bought a Blackberry trying to keep up with my writing and blog so I figured I would should keep up with the times. But it turned out I couldn’t get the freaken thing unlocked. I was going to sell to get my $$$ back so I can get my money back but and here comes the bizarre part. I have a very rare kind of blackberry I have the kind that sprouts legs or wings and just walks out of my house. That’s right people my Blackberry that I never even got to use disappeared. And of course wanna be hubby says he has no idea how it left the house…suspicious isn’t it

So now here is the bad…as I have written lately how fed-up I have with wanna be hubby…what with the kid at the door, the leaving me last, the phone walking out of my house and then last night he got arrested for driving without a license. Now to most that may be nothing but when you have 21 suspensions and a felony probation drug change still hanging in the wind. Now I haven’t told him about the writing gigs I was contemplating last night. When I was stood up my so called wanna be friend for celebratory drinks and no one else was around I figured why not try and bury the hatchet but instead of dinner he ended up in jail.

Now at first I felt a little guilty since it me who wanted to go out to dinner but then I thought about it…it wasn’t me that gave the 21 suspensions & he is always driving around that way anyway. So my guilt went away.

And the worst is yet to come THE CHERRY ON THE CAKE I CALL LIFE while in the car with 3 cops flashing there lights in my face…which to be honest I wasn’t worried since they were all men and they usually mess with him and leave me alone but while standing there HUMILIATED another cop car pulls up with 2 women cops and I was about to frisked. But I guess the more I bitched about what an AssHole wanna be hubby is the more the felt sorry for me.

In the end I ended up celebrating that way I should have in the beginning...with my little 1 home, alone (no man), my favorite salad, a glass of wine & a joint.