Sometimes I wonder why I try

From this morning I had a gut feeling that my picnic with WBH was going to not what I was hoping for...

And now its 4am & I'm sitting my living room and I feel like crying....

From this morning he woke and 2minutes after he woke he was nasty.& rude. Then I pretty much had to walk him through creating the picnic. And then right before we my thing I call a dog pissed all over the floor now she's a pit & when she pees its a river annoying but there is no need to punch her in the leg. So of course I went off on him but I go on the picnic anyway. That goes well

But of course when we get home he has to start his shit...yes he pays the rent but I pay everything else & con ed is killing me. But of course he has to everything I do no big deal & even when I prove him wrong he still won't admit it.

I'm so sick of his shit & this has absolutely has nothing to do with my other life but I am tired of the one with him that's for sure & I was feeling frisky today too. W hat a freaken waste.
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Check up from the Neck up

People wonder what makes the eye roam...why does some look else were?????

Well it can be as simple as some people (men cuz I am woman) ARE CLUELESS!!!!!!!

Wanna be hubby is home all day doing pretty much nothing...so there are times that I might feel a little bad about my other life so i try and made it up to him. but then again he opens that damn mouth of his and its like bursting a bubble.

So I planned for WBH & I have to a picnic in the city but due to situations beyound my control the city is out. SO I suggest somewhere near home then he says fine. I ask were am I meeting you at his bright ass answer

"At the house so you can pack the picnic"

Now how bright is he cuz if we were going to have it in the city how was I going to pack it?


CLUELESS!!!!!!!!

Friday

8:20am loVer boy is on his way to a great vacation and I'm glad that I was able to hang with him. And this morning as I got ready for work...I looked down on wanna-be-hubby as he laid there sleeping. & I wondered why he couldn't make me happy (besides the obvious) & how much I hate living 2 lives....and then he woke up. If you could see my face. I'm rolling my eyes....

I work all day when shit goes missing the its usually because HE put somewhere it doesn't belong but yet he gets mad me.

9:15am so maybe it was out of guilt or to throw him off my scent but I made a suggestion for some lil sweet afternoon outing...since I sent a nice part of my afternoon yesterday with lover boy. I figured having an afternoon with wanna be hubby was only right. And now I'm wondering why I even try with his crabby ass....oh yeah so I Can havea little of my life.
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Ok so I have a major with a man or a woman who HAS to be up there partners ass. I enjoy my time alone...thinking, writing or what ever just being me. Wanna-be-hubby would be my panties if I let him. To be honest I miss when we lived separate lives. Because any man I dated I really didnt care about hurting there feelings.
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Insight into ME!!!!!

So I've really never figured out this whole blogging & blackberry but this is my 2nd traveling blogg...

Something personal about me I don't do well with the being vulnerable thing. I hate feeling needy or weak I am the type takes care of things. So when someone wants to take over I feel weak & I don't feel like me & I hate that. I spent so much of my life being weak the mere idea of it makes me sick...replying on mom, dad some man...not my cup of tea.

So when I found that my taxes weren't going to go the way I thought they might...I called my new friend (more about that in another post) because they are a financial advisor I figured I would call. And you know what he wanted to help or fix who knows but either which way I felt completely uncomfortable-weak but I still need the help & I don't want someone to just run and fix my problems because then I'll feel like I owe them & I think I hate that more.

So I have to find a middle ground where I still feel like I'm in control because what really matters in the end is that I get out of this thing with wanna be hubby without blood shed...


PS Welcome new Readers

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

One of my oldest and dearest girlfriends in the world use to always say to me “You should write the story of your life.” And my response is usually “My life would be perfect for a Spanish Novela” because there is never a dull moment.

I was started the good work my way to the bizarre and end with what really sucked.

A couple of days ago I asked ad on CL’s for a 7 diary keeper and my email was picked so I will be writing (for free which I don’t mind) but at least I will be published online and I heard from this woman on z100 that sometimes you have to work for free or cheap to get to were you want in life…to make your dreams some true. My first deadline is today…I’m pretty happy.

Then a few weeks ago I answered an ad for erotic fiction writers and when I never heard back from them I kind of gave up. But a few days ago I got and email saying they were still looking for writers and for me to send them a page and drum roll please THEY LOVED IT AND THEY EMAILED ME A CONTRACT!!!!!! So I am on cloud nine

Now the bizarre…I bought a Blackberry trying to keep up with my writing and blog so I figured I would should keep up with the times. But it turned out I couldn’t get the freaken thing unlocked. I was going to sell to get my $$$ back so I can get my money back but and here comes the bizarre part. I have a very rare kind of blackberry I have the kind that sprouts legs or wings and just walks out of my house. That’s right people my Blackberry that I never even got to use disappeared. And of course wanna be hubby says he has no idea how it left the house…suspicious isn’t it

So now here is the bad…as I have written lately how fed-up I have with wanna be hubby…what with the kid at the door, the leaving me last, the phone walking out of my house and then last night he got arrested for driving without a license. Now to most that may be nothing but when you have 21 suspensions and a felony probation drug change still hanging in the wind. Now I haven’t told him about the writing gigs I was contemplating last night. When I was stood up my so called wanna be friend for celebratory drinks and no one else was around I figured why not try and bury the hatchet but instead of dinner he ended up in jail.

Now at first I felt a little guilty since it me who wanted to go out to dinner but then I thought about it…it wasn’t me that gave the 21 suspensions & he is always driving around that way anyway. So my guilt went away.

And the worst is yet to come THE CHERRY ON THE CAKE I CALL LIFE while in the car with 3 cops flashing there lights in my face…which to be honest I wasn’t worried since they were all men and they usually mess with him and leave me alone but while standing there HUMILIATED another cop car pulls up with 2 women cops and I was about to frisked. But I guess the more I bitched about what an AssHole wanna be hubby is the more the felt sorry for me.

In the end I ended up celebrating that way I should have in the beginning...with my little 1 home, alone (no man), my favorite salad, a glass of wine & a joint.

If there is 1 thing about me that people close to know it is that I am not big on forgiving because I never forget & I never forget because I write almost everything in a journal or now I blog it.

So my older sis open a door that to be honest I was very happy it was closed....Damn FB LOL. I have an ex that I can't stand because to be honest he only dated me to get to my sis & he caused a huge mess not to mention I was 16 & he was 19 so I was pretty heartbroken.

So now 20 years later because I will be 36 this year she goes looking for him with MY FB account so of course now he wants me to be his friend & I'm like WTF & Why the FUCK!!!!

So today we actually spoke because of comment I made on a mutual friends page & he was begging me to friend him and forgive him. So after a few emails back an forth I called him (Blocked my # of course)cuz I felt hey you want to talk to me sooooo bad then fine you will get the BITCH then. So I let him have it & it felt pretty good too HE HE HE HE.

So later today I get a comment back from the mutual friend for me to forgive the ex-jerk...he's found God...he's a changed man. And I'm like so freaken what that doesn't change the fact that he was an asshole. But after a few back & forths with the mutual friend I said I would think about it. CRAP!!!!!

Relationships Yay or Nay

So I was chatting with my older & young sis today on the Phone about pretty much the same topic. Which is why I don’t like nor want a relationship. Now my definition of a relationship is someone that family and friends know about. Someone who time yes can work you last nerve but in the end you still want to be with them and there is no one else in the world who gets you. And doesn’t want to change and they don’t always put themselves first….so as you can see I do not have one of those.

Now here is my problem with relationships (for the woman)

1. We end up giving up a part of our self for the relationship…whether it be going out with friends, little bad habits that honestly we don’t mind but your partner can’t stand

2. Life is no long about “You or just plain old Me” now its about “Us & We”

3. Being taken for granted…it happens we tend to say “yeah they will always be there.” and BAM she stops shaving he stops showering etc LOL…you know it happens

But think the biggest reason I am the way I am is because…I’m not done with me yet…there is still a lot of me that still needs work and right now I can’t be worrying about someone else’s dreams and putting mine on hold again.

Wake & Bake

There are certain things about me that as a BF or rather wanna be hubby you should know…things that I like and I expect. And to be honest I don’t think that I am asking a lot. I have a lot of GFs that ask for a lot more from there men. I try and do the 50/50 thing but it never works for me.

I gave up smoking cigarettes almost 4 years ago don’t get me wrong when I go out with my GFs I sometimes sneak a cigarette with the girls (and I don’t go out all that often) but there is 1 thing about me that I will not change (or at least I’m not ready to give it up) I have to have my morning joint. Now the word there is joint…not blunt, not bong hit…joint!!!!!

Now wanna be hubby looooooves to claim that we have been together 13 years. When in all realitywe broke up 3 times and we both had 2 not 1 but 2 separate apts and not to mention he was engaged to another woman but he still says 13 years…what the fuck ever…I hate that….

But if you want to talk shit then you should know the little things about me that would piss me the fuck off and turn me the fuck off to you. But no not him he is still very much clueless. So this morning I was looking for the paper so I can roll my morning joint and not only could I not find it (2 packs of easy wider) but when I wake him up to ask him were it is (cuz he was the last to roll) he get pissed off.

Now people if he worked and had to get to a job to get to then yes he has every right to get pissed off but since his ass doesn’t get up until 11 sometimes 12pm fuck that not to mention I have to take OUR daughter to school every day on the bus and he doesn’t even offer to let me sleep a little later or if I’m not feeling well like the other day I twisted my ankle and I couldn’t get up on Monday and what does he say “just leave her home I’m too tired I can’t take her.” Are you fucken kidding me…For real.

I mean I can sit in my office all day and never hear from him not even a hello txt...if I don't contact him I will never hear from. What kind of crap if that? I mean in this day & age of Blackberries, Txting, IMing how can I not get even a hello?

I have to admit it saddens me that my mind & heart are…rethinking my relationship…but honestly can you call I that?

Day 2 of experiment and nothing again

Experiment

I conducted an experiment last night and to be honest I already the answer-the outcome. I just got over my monthly pain in the ass. And I have been attacking wanna be hubby since my 35th b-day. And I have laid in bed for 2 days in cute little girl boxers and a tank top and nothing not a look not touch.

I know he is breaking his ass to try and get the rent paid but honestly is all the time away really about paying the rent or is he getting tired of being around me. Ad to be honest I don’t think it would really bother me. I lived without him before and can do it again but then why hand on…why so that no one else can have me…isn’t that a little selfish.

So why am I hanging on if I am feeling this vibe from…well wanna be hubby can be a little stalkerish (yes I made up a new word just call me Webster)My mind and my part of my heart is telling me to figure out a way to tell him. I think things are not working…even with me attacking him all the time. I’m trying but I really don’t think I’ the commitment type not now…maybe never.

But I know him he will lose his mind and the ugly little stalker will pop his little head out. And I hate that guy.

He wants me to jump and help him his new business venture but when I was working on mine (Still am by the way)he never had time for me (he still has no time for me...well except at midnight)

Birthdays & Families

Good morning & new readers...today is one those family function days...a birthday party that I some how got roped into planning. And to be honest I am not all that sure she even appreciates that I am doing this. But I will do it with a big smile on my face a mimosa in my hand and looking fabulous.

I mean what is the point of me getting upset at my sis even when she is mean to me my parents will always "Oh just ignore her. She's not as strong as you are." Aden to a point that is true BUT I still do have feelings inside the cold strong woman they think I am.

They think this of me I a lot more then I should sometime "FUCK IT!!!! I play by my rules." Shit I'm going to be 36 this year & it's time I do what makes me happy.

I maybe returning tonight with another entry depending on this day goes lol.

(middle of Chapter 9)

To My Followers

To my blogger followers,

I want to thank you for following my page and if you ever have any questions please feel free to post your comment I try and answer them all.

Thank you again...its because of you guys I keep writing

Sometimes it has to be about ME!!!!!!!!

If a person has been through there share of drama and crap is it safe to say they should be able to see the warning signs of a storm to come?

I ask this because Mr. Wanna-be-BF to is asking somewhat they he use to before. Lazy about get work and always looking for the easy way out of everything…what friend can help out or hook him up? I do everything in power to get that I get for me on my own. But with him he has no problem not doing that. I kind of find it a turn off. Another thing that turns me off about him…if I don’t call or txt him I will never hear from him unless I do it first. Which sucks…why do men get so comfortable so quickly? And once they do the romance goes right out the window and in comes the taking for granted.

And people wonder why I don’t believe in marriage…I have 1 kid I need a BIG Baby on top of that!!!!!

And my ex friend the one I wrote about last year has been IMing trying to get back in my good graces. Now I’m the type of person that I can stay mad but I have learned that I cannot be anyone’s door mate. I gave so much of free time and my mind to her and her needs I neglected me and things important to me. I wasn’t writing as much as I use to because I gave her all my time.

I am going to be 36 this year and I am taking my selfishness with me on my Birthday because I am tired of doing & worrying for everyone else and never having the time for me.

Opinions Are Like Assholes...

It’s funny how even the people closest to you don’t know you.

Yesterday I was with my dad (we aren’t that close even though we have a lot in common) I use to try and have dinner with him & my mom once a week but being around him was sooooo stressful. He is the type of man that always has an opinion about everything and everyone. And this happens because he is miserable with his life so he feels the need to try a run everyone else’s. Now I have my opinions but I keep them to myself unless I am asked and in the end I always want a person to do what they think is best for them because in the end we are all going to just what we want because that’s how God made us…what with free will and all.
So yesterday he decided to lecture me about my dog...I have a very friendly but very dog aggressive Pitbull. So she got out the other day because my front gate broke due to all the rain we had. And she nothing like Rachel Ray’s dog always biting people. But she does bark up a storm and she didn’t even get far just around the corner. So what’s my dad’s opinion “Get rid of your dog…”

Now if it had 2 or 3 years ago I would have told him but I just let it slide off my back. I try very hard not to get mad at people who:
A: don’t look for me or my daughter
B. don’t call me
And that is my father the man swears he knows everything when he never I mean never looks for me.

What I am Reading Right Now

Very Intertesting!!!!

I Love ME

When I was younger the decisions I made in life I made to make everyone else happy…to please them. To make them feel comfortable and I have learned along the way that the only person I made happy was them never me.

Now that I am in my 30’s I do what makes me happy of course I make sure I never hurt anyone along the way but in the end I do what I want when I want.

It bothers me still that the woman who was suppose to be my best friend…who said I was closer to her then her own sisters how when the friendship came to end – in the end it didn’t faze her. She gave more of a shit about some dumb fucker that screwed (literality) and left her. The guy only called her when he wanted ass and she would put ads for him Craig’s list she would obsess about him for weeks months to just open herself (legs) up to him.

But me who was her shoulder to cry for almost everything traumatic in her life she could careless that I am no longer in her life

And then there is my sister (older) it is taking all my willpower not to call her or email her and tell her off. A few months ago she called me talking all this crap about how her and I were so close growing up or as she put thick as thieves. Well as far as my memory and my mothers were nothing like that. As a matter of fact in our teenage days she did everything in her power to get away from me. And now she wants to be my buddy.
Well buddies don’t get in contact to the other’s ex-boyfriend (who had a secret crush on them) to restart their friendship again.
And they sure as shit don’t talk about them behind their back to everyone who will listen.

I mean really with friends and family like them who needs enemies.

Synopsis

~they say money is the root of all evil but is the Love of Money the true root~
She took the Bronx by storm in the 80’s. She had the most deadly and notorious crew known in the Bronx. The newspapers nicked named them the “Jessie James Gang” since robbery and murder was there taste and they were good at it. Know one was safe and they feared know one.


JESSICA - from a lost and lonely little girl to the stone-cold woman she grew into. She never shedding a tear even when she lost it all-rage is the only emotion she can relate to. Jessica Montes grabbed the Bronx by the balls with an iron grip. With no love in her life money and murder became her passion. Ruthless and very cunning a deadly combination but wrapped inside of a heart-stopping beauty made it lethal. Her long dark thick hair caught the attention of many men. But it’s been said if you caught the attention of her sharp piercing hazel-green eyes you would either end up lost in love, destitute or worse dead. With that much power it was only a matter of time before she stepped on the wrong toes.
Facing federal indictment charges Jessica reluctantly flees to another country. Leaving all that she knows and loves behind. Leaving with one goal in mind she must find the evidence that can put her away forever.
CESAR - lost his love 12 years ago…he wished he would have died that fateful night along with her. Instead he lived with the pain of losing his beloved. So he turned himself over to the FBI as an informant and turned on those who killed his Jessica the love of his life. To find out that she never died now he’ll stop at nothing to get her back.
Hector aka “Trigger” – known for his shoot first and ask questions later personality but better know as Jessica’s enforcer. They met when Jessica was a young teenage girl.-he saw himself in her. Both too smart for their own good. But when the shit hits the fan and they go their separate ways-Hector forgets about the“Trigger” he left behind in New York when he falls in love for the first time but is love enough to calm the beast within.
FBI Adam Ramsey – lost in his anger and the thirst for revenge he will stop at nothing to bring in Jessica and her crew dead or alive.
Leah – a small time Miami writer who falls in love with Hector (the man in hiding)…the man who owns his own small computer shop near South Beach. She gets caught up in a world wind of love and romance something she never felt like before but soon she ends up learning that the man she loves is a walking breathing Pulitzer Prize...one of the missing members of an infamous deadly gang.
What’s stronger Love, Money, Power or Revenge?

Happy Valentine's Day

I remember back in my teen days and in my early 20's valentine's day was a big deal for me. But now that I am in my 30's it really doesn't mean as much. Not that I have anything against the holiday but I'm satisfied with a night way from being Mommy, a nice bottle of wine, dinner (that I didn't have to cook)and a jacuzzi.

I think guys have it right valentine's day should be more about being intimate then about the gift or the type of flowers you get.

Because if you don't get the right gift or the right flowers then that will ruin the day.

Don't Pee On Me

I think the thing that really bothers me about getting married and being married is how in time someone in the relationship ends just taking the other for granted. Like because you wash the cloths in the house you’re expected to do it all the time. Well what about the partner why can’t they do it from time to time or if you wash they put away or dry or whatever…the point is help.
Everyone says that living with someone is nothing like being married…crap lets scare me out of it more. SO the fuck what if my bra fell on the floor if it fucken bothers you that much then pick it up for me. I mean really.
If there is one thing I truly hate is when any man I am with tries to pee on me (not literally ill gross). Like “I’m the man of this house.” Puffing their chests like peacocks. Especially when they shouldn’t be so proud.
I got us where we are today…I found our dream home…it was me that had to forgive him to make this work…it was me that helped him to get his first job…and it was me that got the $$$ for our dream place and me that held down 2 jobs for such a long time for our dream home. And I did all of that because I wanted to make a home, a family for us.
But now it’s as if we are on two different pages. I would love know how he thinks our relationship would survive us if we gave up our apartment. Because first of all my $$$ went into that house so that means no security for a new place which means I or actually me and my daughter would have to move in my parents (which I don’t see how that would work at all. And he would have to move back into his mother’s. I know that there would be no way we could stay together no not after losing my dream house the house my grandmother said she saw as my house and how perfect it was for me.
But he doesn’t see that he doesn’t see us ending if we had to move cause there is no way I’m living in the living room of his mother’s no fucken way. But he can’t see that and I’m sure he’ll blame everyone else for his misfortune then himself
What is about him? Is it just that he is my daughter’s father that I let him get away with so much.

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