I AM FEELING A LITTLE BLUE TODAY

I got some bad news today...I found out that the woman that raised me, that loved me know matter what I did has Stage 4 Bone Cancer.

My grandmother has been my rock my whole life. Now she doesn't look sick nor does she have any of the symptoms which is very good because with the exception of this she is as healthy as a horse.

I adore my grandmother and this whole thing is pissing me off; it's not fair I still haven't gotten over my grandfather's passing yet.

I thank God that my daughter was too young to understand but miss him she did. Even though she was only 2 when he passed you could see it in her eyes her looking for him and she would stair at his picture on the wall in awe.

My little girl is so close to my grandmother like I was when I was a little girl.

WHEN I GAVE BIRTH; SHE TOOK ALL MY LOVE FOR HIM WITH HER

My blog is a release for me…away of me being honest with myself. And I think now more then ever I need to be honest.
There is this thing about me that has always been there (I know that I am not as bad as I was when I was teenager) I have this thing with taking a lot of shit from the men I fall in love with and some girlfriends that I have had…I allow them to walk all over me and shit on me in the process.
My first boyfriend (well real boyfriend) could be an abusive asshole; sometime physical but mostly emotional & mentally. I let him get away with it for 5 years. Yes, there was something seriously wrong with me. I cried and I suffered so and every time I swore I would never go back and never look back.
Well of course in time I gave up on that first disaster and just found a different bread of assholes. But I can say this for myself not a single one not ever after my first nightmare boyfriend put a hand on me and if any every tried they never got the chance again and they never forgot me either.
With every bit of fiber and life in me there is nothing I would love to do more then beat the living crap out of MR. JERKOFF. And I know should I kick his sorry ass out of my house and there is this huge part of the wishes I could go the rest of my life with out every having to deal with him again. Because honestly I can’t stand him.
But then I look at my daughter and she tells me about her day with him on a class trip or a visit to the park. Or I watch him reading her a bed time story and my heart goes out to my daughter because I know how much she loves him and I know I have to do right by her.
My daughter is the most important person in my life and I don’t have the right to take him a way from her. I know that he is the biggest asshole and liar to me but that’s not what is important. I have to be the best parent for her and allow her to make her own mind up about her father. And as long as I don’t get my feeling of compassion confused with love (which I know I won’t it’s just something I tell him; not to confuse my feelings of compassion) I am fine. There is no second chance for us. I know this my heart has had all it can take.

STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES

He must really think that I am stupid or just to best simple about things he has no respect for me!!!!! It really is that simple. My house guest from hell is staying with me because he landed himself into some trouble with the law. Which when that happened wasn’t the reason why he started staying with me. His personal legal problems don’t mean shit to me. But it’s what happened two days before he got arrested which is why I opened my door to him. I mentioned a while ago the he is a big baby and one day he was having a temper tantrum and kicked in my front door. I called the cops and 3 months later yes 3 moths later they come knocking on my door to arrest him two days after he arrested for some stupid drug thing. Now this is how stupid the cops in my neighborhood are why knock on my door when he wasn’t living there and said so on the report.
So since he has been staying here he’s slept in our daughter’s room on the floor because neither I or our little one is giving up one of our beds not for him. So the whole time he’s been here he has been telling me how broke he is and how he can’t ever afford his apartment. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
Well one night he walked into my house drunk and cranky. He throws his jacket on my living room sofa. There was something inside me that told me to look in his pockets. And as sure as shit I found a big bag of weed and a knot of money. What a lying piece of shit I know what he thinks that if he stays here long enough I’ll fall weak to him and give in and sleep with him. Well he has another thing coming and he truly needs to be taught a lesson. I am just not sure how. I do know that I am sure tired of always fighting with him it’s unhealthy for my daughter and for me as well.
But honestly he is truly stupid if he thought I wasn’t going to find out. And the real pitiful thing about him is that he still to this day hasn’t figured out that it is all the lying that he’s done over the years that was part of the reason and one of the biggest problems which was the result of our demise. Nine years later and he still doesn’t get. That is why I say a lesson needs to be taught.

THE MOVING IS COMPLETELY OVER

THANK GOD!!!!!

As much as I like living in new places I wish that moving wasn't such a pain in the ass.

Now I am counting the days until the summer and my daughter's school to go on vacation; I need some Adult time. Because honestly for 10 months my world revolves around my daughter. It's true I have the weekends off cause she goes to my grandmother's. But in the summer if I want to make last minute plans to have drinks in the city on a Wednesday night I can without any worries.

The other thing is I have to find a bartending gig this summer. I really don't want to do that because that means giving up my weekends so I am hoping that my writing career takes off.

I am working on a new blog this is fictional. When I get up and running I will have a link for it.

ALL ABOUT ME

I have spent far too much time paying attention to what my JERK-OFF houseguest wants and needs (because that's just me I am just a softy at heart). And to be honest that has always been my problem; like my Blogger Buddy "Z" I am too nice and true to life some time the nice guy does finish last but that's because we don't play dirty like the bad guys do. We actually care about people and there feelings.

And I know that there is nothing I can do about my heart because it will always go out to those I care about even those they my not deserve it but it's high time I put myself first!!!!!

Shit everyone else does and so should I.

There is no way that MR. JERK-OFF and I will ever get back together and my gut tells me that he will never change no matter how nice he tries to be to me.

The fact of the matter is the he has never had any respect for my writing or for my mind for the matter and as the years go on I loss more and more respect for him.

So I have to get back and again as my Blogg buddy "Z" said "Shit or get off the Pot" if I want my novel to get pick up by birthday.

It's about me now!!!!!!

M.I.A BECAUSE OF MOVING

I haven’ t written in a few days because I have been moving from one place to another and right now I am about 95% done. My houseguest from hell has been helping me.

Shit he should do something considering I am letting him crash but I know that even though I am helping him out with his situations he will still find away to throw in my face how he helped me move and my family wasn’t there for me. BLAH, BLAH like he’s done so much for me. I know this because that is the kind of man that he is.

He also thinks that because he helped me move that I should feel comfortable enough to let him waltz around my apartment while I am at work. Now I know he’s nuts because while he was suppose to be helping me move he was busted more then once and not just by me read my things, reading personal things that I had written and I am suppose to give him the keys to my house. YUP HE’S NUTS!!!! Reading my personal private shit is one of the main reasons why I can’t be with him I can’t trust him he’s sneaky.

It’s time for him to leave and might sound fucked up considering he helped me move and everything but I won’t be guilt tripped in my own home.

SPRING IS IN THE AIR

I picked up my keys last night for my new apartment. I love moving, it’s like a fresh start. I am going to hustle my ass this afternoon to get as much done as possible. I have cable coming tomorrow to put my cable, my phone, and internet in and my plan is to start sleeping there as of Wednesday night.

I think the reason why I like moving so much is because you get to go through everything and throw away everything in peace…make a mess, then pack it’s great.

And I finally get my own room THANK GOD NO MORE SLEEPING IN THE LIVING ROOM!!!!!
I have been thinking about the woman I was before my daughter was born, the woman I became after she was born and the woman I am today and to be honest I like what I see now more then before and I know there are still other things that I need to improve on and to be honest I can’t wait.

WHY I STARTED DOING THIS

I started this blog thing for a few different reasons...

1. Was because I think that my life is interesting and I think people might get something useful from it.
2. My JERK-OFF ex read my last journal without my permission so I thought I might as well publish this one.
3. And finally to track my success and failures.

I love the fact that people comment on my entries.

I really want to Thank everyone that reads my blog and sends me little notes and I do try to get to everyone's blog that writes to me.

So thank you again.

Miricales & Blessings

Mica

I will try to write more later.

UNGRATEFUL

Let me shed some light on my very ungrateful house guest. It just so happened to be MR. JERKOFF. Yes call me stupid and every other name in the book but I let him stay because the cops are looking for him and it's about 10% my fault and 90% his fault. Allow me to explain...

2 months ago the asshole kicked in my door and was verbally attacking me in front of our daughter so the next day I filed a complaint against him. I did it for Family court and now he has the cops looking for him because according the cops now they have to arrest anyone involved in a domestic complaint (which I had no idea). And because he has a court thing going in another county the cops where I live have a hard on for him.

I say it's only 10% my fault because I told them where he lived when I filed the complaint not knowing what I know now. But I know that I had every right to go to the cops but the fact the he is in the middle of another court thing and the fact that he acted like a child that day and kicked in my door like a savage and had no regard that our daughter was standing right there I have nothing to do with that. And the only reason why he acts out like that is because he doesn't dare put a hand on me because I do fight back.

So the weekend is coming and I LOVE TO SLEEP in on Saturdays I asked what he was going to do because I really don't want to be disturbed. Now it's a different story if I had a two bedroom apt but I don't my bedroom is in the living room and I wake up every morning early to get my daughter ready for school and me for work I deserve at least one night out and one day to sleep in late and FUCK HIM IF HE DOESN'T AGREE!!!!! I have a sitter for my daughter she is in great hands and her father does nothing so his say means nothing to me.

So now he's pissed saying that he feels he over stayed his welcome and that I was mean about it. Well if I was so what he deserves that and more he's just lucky I don't give it to him.

I HATE MY HOUSE GUEST

I have this house guest that to be honest I can't stand him but I opened my door to him because I was placed between a rock and hard place and what's a girl to do?

Well, I'll tell you what I am going to do...I am moving into a new apartment next week and my house guest is not coming with me!!!!

I feel trapped when I have a house guest. I feel like I am suffocating...I can't be creative and I hate that.

I can't be free...For example I have to remember to bring my robe to the bathroom when I take a shower. I hate that. I like to work on my novel late at night when my daughter is sleeping can't do that with a house guest. I am counting the days!!!!

I wish I had the $$$ to take a vacation...Nothing crazy like a week but a weekend starting today and come back on Sunday night. And I would go straight to Florida and hang out on South beach. With that said it makes me think of Mr. SunnyState and if I ever creep into his mind at all. I wonder if he thinks about me sometimes and wonders "What If?" I often wonder what would happen if we ran into each other again. The last time we saw each other I felt the fire that still burned between us after 9 years would it still be there after another 7 years?

The last I heard of Mr. SunnyState is that he was getting married...I wonder if he did it?

Oh well no point in dwelling in the past

MY LIFE IS A SPANISH NOVELLA

There is never a dull moment in my life. I guess that's why from the age of 13 I have always enjoyed writing and found such peace in it.

I like to take my life and moments or fantasies that I have and put a different spin on it.

For me (like pretty much everyone in the world) my life has never been easy. There was always a challenge or a hurtle that I had to climb.

At first I wrote poems focusing on the bad.

But as I got older I believed that if you mentally and emotionally believed in something it would happen and writing it for me made my beliefs even stronger.

My writing makes me stronger!!!!

CELIBACY SUCKS

It has been over 6 months since I have had sex I think I am going to loss my mind soon.
Why wait then? Am I waiting for love or something special like that? HELL NO!!!!! Love is the last thing on my mind. To be honest I am waiting for my money situation to get a little bit better. And not because I plan on paying for sex or something crazy like that.

I just want to make sure that the next guy doesn't think that his way to my heart is with his money or buying me gifts. If I feel like leaving in the middle of the night I can cause I have the money to take a cab. And it's not like I don't any offers.


I want to make sure that my INDEPENDENCE is INDESTRUCTIBLE.

THERE'S A REASON FOR EVERYTHING

I reminded myself something today…I reminded myself that were I work is just a job. They don’t want to give me any more money they are just happy with the way things are. And for me the job is good cause it fits into my schedule with my daughter. But I had to be honest with myself. It’s time that I invested in myself and stopped being afraid of my dreams.

I know what I was put on this earth for and time I started doing it.

And just remember that I was lucky to find a job that worked with me.

I HATE MEN WITH HIDDEN AGENDAS

HELP MY EX THE JERK-OFF THAT HE IS HAS JUST DONE ANOTHER THING TO TRY AND BUY MY ATTENTION.

HE GOT ME TICKETS TO SEE MAROON 5 AND THERE-ORCHESTRA SEATS. ORCHESTRA SEATS!!!!!!!

I LOVE MAROON 5!!!! HE SAYS HE GOT THEM FOR ME AS AN EARLY MOTHER'S DAY GIFT. AND THAT WOULD BE GREAT IF THEY WERE REALLY FOR ME...

THE A CATCH IS I HAVE TO GO WITH HIM.

IF THEY WERE REALLY A GIFT THEN WHY NOT GIVE ME THE TICKETS SO I GO WITH A FRIEND OR EVEN GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO SAY "HEY THANKS FOR THE TICKETS WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME WITH ME?"

SO MY PROBLEM IS I REALLY REALLY WANT TO GO!!!! SHOULD I STILL GO?????

EVEN THOUGH IS IS THE BIGGEST JERK-OFF IN THE WHOLE WORLD?

FEEL FREE TO ANSWER...

WORDS ARE ONLY WORDS

There is one word to describe the feelings that I have for my ex and that is DISGUST!!!!
For the past 9 years I have gotten the same bullshit from him which is when ever he's pissed at me which to be honest is quite often...He acts out and starts calling me names and insulting me. To then realize days later that he can't live with out me and then comes the presents, the flowers, the letters and cards. And they would all say the same thing "How much he loves me and how sorry he is for treating me the way he does."

When I left him the first time I lelt because he was so selfish and so self - involved I couldn't take it anymore.

Two years later I got back together with him because he promised me that he was a changed man and for the sack of our daughter; I really wanted to believe him too but of course one year later he went back to him same old bullshit of the street being more important than me and his daughter and putting me down.

When they made up the saying "Fool me once shame on you" "Fool me twice Shame on me" they must of had me and my JERK-OFF ex in mind.

Sometimes you just have to do you

I believe that I am surrounded by signs; leading towards the path I am destined to follow. My personal beaten path. I have spent far too much time doing the things that my father & MR. JERKOFF always putting myself last. So now I have decided to do me. Do what I think is right for me and my Angel…live our life my way. That means my home my way; my career my way.

All I have to do is brave and believe in me and I can see the some doors opening a crack so it’s up to me to open them up.

Cocky, Cocky, Cocky

It’s funny how he thinks the things that he does can possibly make a difference to me. And I’m saying that not to be a bitch it’s just the truth. I know that shit was fucked up between me and MR. JERKOFF before his legal problems but I never once thought that he do would anything that jeopardized anything to come between him and his daughter.

Now anything that he does it just too little too late.

All he ever thinks about is himself and how he doesn’t have me and the last thing he thinks of is our daughter. And to be honest I am tired of reminding him of her, of spending time with her. I shouldn’t have to.

And I have spent far to much time actually wasting my time on my daughter’s father and men before him and I just haven’t put anything into my life. No More.

I have been so busy the past few weeks trying to get a part time bartending gig. Then a writing gig fell into my life - so I have been running around like a crazy woman.

I am working for a new world this summer…..

IT'S A NEW DAY

I woke up the other day and I realized that all the blame that I may throw at MR. JERKOFF maybe well deserved but I should also throw some blame my way as well. Not that I have any fault in the stupid chooses he makes...no I am at fault for believing any of his bull crap promises.

Loving my daughter has nothing to with him. I honestly tried to make things work and all he ever wants to do is not except responsibility for anything. To be perfectly honest I really don't believe that he ever loved me at all because if he did he wouldn't be so cruel and hateful.

So from this day forward I will do what I need to do to make my life work for my Angel & me. She needs at least one good role model in her life. And if there is one lesson I will teach my daughter is will be "TO NEVER ALLOW A MAN TO TREAT YOU AS IF YOU ARE BENEATH HIM."

BE STRONG

I have been doing some thinking lately mostly about everything that is going on in my life and this voice in my head tells me to BE STRONG. But I wonder in being strong do you have to give up a part of yourself? Do you have to compromise a piece of your soul?
I spoke to MR. JERKOFF over the weekend and to my amazement he is expect sympathy or even empathy from me. I asked him how can he expect any if that from me when he just turned my life and our daughter’s life upside down. And he did it all without even a thought about how his daughter would feel about spending time without her father. Because the end result is that he most like going to have to do some jail time and even 6 months is going to be a lot for my daughter to deal with.

I got the lecture last night again from my family about how of course I want to get married and have another baby. They just don’t believe me when I say I know in my heart; in my gut that I will never get married and as for more babies that won’t happen either. I love my daughter with all my heart but I never want to go through of that again for me it wasn’t fun.

I have explained over and over how no man will be staying in my home. I don’t want her getting close to any man that might get involved with me. For me my personal life is my personal life and I don’t want man intruding on my daughter and mine’s time either.
I will be the first to admit YES I do have trust issues but I would rather have trust issues then allow the possibility of some guy coming into my home taking advantage of little Angel.

Everything Happens For A Reason

I am sitting back today looking at this whole that MR. JERKOFF got himself into and I am amazed and to honest shocked. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that one day he would wake up and do the right thing by his daughter and I know that some where inside me I might have been thinking that maybe for me too.

But after this I know that the premonition I had when I was 16 years old was a glimpse of the future and it was me single with a little girl.