FEELING A LITTLE LOST TODAY

I went on interview this weekend for a pretty cool company. It would be on part time bases which is fine with me (which I REALLY, REALLY hope I get). And then after my interview I sat in Cosi’s on Broadway & 13th working my novel and I sat there I really wished that I had my camera with me. There were so many pictures that I wanted to take. I looked at how some of the people were dressed on beautiful Saturday afternoon. I always found it so interesting how the people of New York (and I mean in the city) are like snow flakes…meaning you’ll never see two people looking the same. But now if you go to the Bronx every guy and every girl looks and sounds the same. I guess that’s why I love being in the city.

Finally a friend of my mine showed up and we went for a walk. We walked through the outside flea markets. I looked at all the things I wished I could have bought. We then ended up in the village which is my FAVORITE place in the city. I WOULD LOVE, LOVE to live there. I look up at the windows and wish one was mine. All in all it was nice day. I had fun.

My weekend was pretty quiet because after my visit to the city I hide in my grandmother’s house with my daughter and enjoyed the silence. Now everyone in my family knows that since my grandmother has been in PR that on Saturdays I take my daughter there. When I got home Sunday night there wasn’t a single phone call from my family not a one. I haven’t spoken to my younger sister since the night of her party. Time has pasted and I’m over my sister’s wedding thing. You know whatever…

This morning I woke up and it really bothered me that I haven’t heard from anyone in while. If I don’t pick up the phone and call them they won’t. Now that’s some what expectable from a friends but family??? I don’t think so.

So on my way to work today I couldn’t stop thinking about that…how my family never calls me, never look for me or my daughter. Honestly they only look for her when they get wind that MR. JERK-OFF’S Family is looking for her. And it’s been that way since she was born.

My thoughts went back to a time when I wasn’t close to my family and this all started pretty much when my adopted my brothers moved in. I got lost in the shuffle of kids. But after my daughter was born I really wanted the whole close family thing. And I realize now that maybe it was all just one-sided. (This is not including my grandmother & aunt; they have always been there for me since I was a little girl I went with them everywhere)

Which then got me to thinking; “Every decision I make in my life I think first about how they (my mother, father & sisters) would feel about.” And why should I keep doing that when they obviously don’t stop to think about how there decisions could affect my daughter & me.

For example X-mas & News Years Eve they have left town plenty of time and didn’t stop and think about how her or I would feel about not spending the holiday with them. The same for my little ones b-day; they messed a few her birthdays and this is the ONLY child in the family.

So as I have done with the men in my life I am going to do with my family. I have to keep putting me and my little ahead of EVERYONE INCLUDING MY FAMILY!!!!