THE MEN IN MY LIFE ARE ALL THE SAME

I almost went down the same path all over again. What the hell is wrong with me????

So my Bed Buddy has been helping me with a little he gave me his monthly Metro Card and buys me cigarettes (Yes, I have relapsed) and gives me a little money here and there.

So last night he had the nerve to say that me and his bitch, psycho ex girl friend and I have similarities. I told him that there was no way her and I have anything in common because his relationship with her was volatile because of her his and I was different because it was him that emotional and moody towards me and all I tried to do was be there for him. And he took advantage of me. But of course he says no and that’s how he feels and there is nothing I can say to change his mind. Which in turn I said the same because he wanted me to ask him what we had in common and I said no because I won’t agree with him and I don’t feel like arguing with him.

So then he starts his shit about how I just wait to be pissed at him and I am never happy with him. So I told him that was bullshit and to start his shit because I have been happy and just because I am pissed at that moment doesn’t mean I wait to be pissed at him. And then I hung up. DON’T COMPARE ME TO THAT PIECE OF SHIT EX GIRLFRIEND WHO FLIRTED WITH OTHER MEN AND CALLED THE COPS ON YOU AFTER SHE KICKED YOUR ASS!!!!! THEN CALLS YOU MONTHS LATER IN DRUNKED STUPER AND AFTER YOU TWO GET INTO AN ARGUMENT THEN CALLS THE COPS AGAIN AND SAYS YOU THREATED HER!!!!!

This is the same man that says that I am addicted to pot and when I say that I am not he will argue with me that I am. I pay my bills, my daughter doesn’t go hungry so I can buy pot, I go to work every day and my I don’t spent my days while I am at work think “Shit I can’t wait to go home and smoke.” I smoke in moderation. He really pisses me off.

Then yesterday I go to pick my daughter from school and find out that JERK-OFF went to school again. I have no idea what he is trying to do but it is really pissing me off.

THE MEN IN MY LIFE AT WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DESTRUCTION

I have been telling myself that through all destruction comes rebuliding a new world and new lives.

It's JERK-OFF's problem if he wants to stay stuck in the past but I know that there is nothing that I can do to change it so why should I dwell on it. I just want to feel as good as each day lets me.

Same Shit Different Day

I know that I haven’t updated my blog in a while but I have been so busy, crazy and honestly a little depressed but I am feeling better now.

Things with the JERK-OFF haven’t changed except for the fact that I made sure that he could pick up my daughter from school any more. I brought the paper work to the school so I took care of that. I had to go to court on the 12th and the JERK-OFF never showed up. So the court is issuing another summons for him I am not to sure what will happen when he doesn’t show up that time.

Friends of mine have seen him and told me that he looks like a bum and I tell them that’s because he is one. He refuses to get an apartment because then I can prove to the courts that he is getting money somehow. That’s ok because I have other plans for him in court.

And my dry spell is over I finally had sex for my birthday with an old friend. It was ok I just have a fear that he (my bed buddy) doesn’t start to read into things too much. I mean I was honest with him and told I am in no place for a relationship. And he claims to understand but who knows if he really does.

I still owe money on my rent $500.00 I know that I will come up the money some how I am going to try and cash in my daughter’s bonds (of course I replace them when I am on solid ground) I know that I am not going to get face value for them but if I can get at least ½ of what they are worth it will really help.

I am trying to get back on schedule with my plans but I have to because if I don’t it like letting him win; it’s like giving him the power and that is not happening.
I just hate being in a rut. But I have to keep telling myself that God only gives what I can handle which means I can handle this.

THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY WRONG

I am so tired of this man thinking that he has the right to do what ever he wants. It’s driving me crazy that my “lil” Angel is with him right now. Because I have no idea what he is filling her mind with. What kind of lies he's telling her now…and the fact the he tries to buy her really bothers me because what is he doing buying her love or silence?

I am not getting a good feeling when it comes to him and my daughter. I am beginning to get this really uncomfortable feeling…like eerie.

Am I over reacting?????

I don’t think so…I should follow my gut and my gut is telling me to protect my daughter from him!!!!!!

A NEW LAW NEEDS TO BE PASSED

CHECK OUT THIS PETITION

http://www.PetitionOnline.com/SM6422/petition.html

PLEASE SIGN

I AM SOOO SICK OF HIM TIRED OF HIM EVEN EXISTING

There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I am not reminded me of the shit head his is. I was getting my daughter ready this morning to go to my grandmother's house...you know getting her dolls together and stuff. And I go in to her bookbag I find two birthday cards from her dad both saying she is the love of his life and he will never love anyone as much as he loves her. But he'll torture her love ya that's really love.

Can you believe that that he actually believes that he has more of a part of bring our daughter into the world then me? Like the little bit of sperm that he released that night is way greater then having a human being inside you growing then pushing them out.

THE MAN ( MAN BEING USED LOOSELY) IS NUTS!!!!!!

To be honest I am really really tired of being broke!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There really isn't any help out there for single mothers and the dead beat dads out there. Like I really don't understand why they have any rights when they won't take care of there responsiblities and the mother is left to struggle on her own.



Every time I hear this song it makes me feel better so I thought I'd share it. I wish that I could play it for you


"Through With You"
By: Maroon 5

Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it

And I don't trust you
Cause every time you're here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all

You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you
Oh cause I remember very well

And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you

And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?

You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do I
called to let you know I'm through with you


Oh an on a happier note the interview that I did for Latina magazine well I got a quote in. I know it's just a quote but still it put a smile on my face!!!! : )

I HATE THAT PIECE OF SHIT WITH EVERY INCH OF MY BODY

WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS?

BECAUSE I AM WORKING...I AM THE RESPONSIBLE ADULT IN HER LIFE HE THINKS THAT HE CAN JUST SWOOP IN AND TAKE HER WHEN EVER HE WANTS!!!!!

GET A FUCKEN JOB YOU LOSER!!!!!!!!

I WOULD LOVE TO FIND HIM IN A DARK ALLEY I WOULD LOVE TO HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A MEDAL PIPE!!!!


I HATE HIM MORE AND MORE EVERYDAY.

I WISH HE WOULD JUST GO AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK MY DAUGHTER WILL BE BETTER OFF!!!!!!!

(***I JUST NEEDED TO VENT***)

On a happier note Saturday was my little girl's 7th birthday she looked so pretty. I can't believe that she's 7. To be honest I am counting the days until she goes back to school I will have a little more control in my life. Because I will be picking her up from school and dropping her off and I will have his ass locked up if he even tries to come near us when she's in school.

THE COUNT DOWN HAS BEGUN

Well I finally hauled my lazy ass to family court to file my papers against the JERK-OFF. And to be honest I hated being there. I was there for 6 hours and I am not exaggerating either. 6 FUCKEN LONG AS HOURS and the whole time I was there my haterd for the JERK-OFF grew more and more.

And believe it or not it looks like MR. JERK-OFF is going to get 5 years probation for the drug charge in Westchester. Can you believe it??? It's like the man (and I use the word man loosely) stepped in shit!!!!

When I found out that he was only going to get 5 year probation I knew that I was going to have a fight on my hands what with court and everything...and that is why I say that the COUNT DOWN HAS BEGUN!!!!

I have 22 more days until my birthday and 24 more days until I have to go back to court. And in that time I have to get my MIND, BODY AND SPIRIT ready for the fight. I have to be smarted and ready for anything because I know that he will try and fight dirty and break me; make me a reck. I will not let that happen to me again.

I wrote in my journal the other day that if there is one thing that I wil make sure that my daughter learns is this "IF THERE IS SOMETHING IN LIFE SHE WANT SHE IS GOING TO HAVE TO STAND UP AND GET IT BECAUSE NOTHING WILL BE HANDED TO HER!!!!"

MY STRENGTH WILL KILL THIS MAN (again loosely using the term Man)

NOT BREAKING MY SPIRIT

THERE IS NO WAY THAT PIECE OF SHIT OF AN EX MINE IS NOT BREAKING MY SPIRIT.


THAT IS MY THOUGHT FOR THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY POOR LITTLE GIRL AND THE FUCK HEAD THAT IS HER FATHER

I haven't written much because my mind has been too frazzled. Last Friday the JERK-OFF picked up my daughter from my grandmother's house and when the JERK-OFF dropped her off at she had come back upset and saying that she couldn't stay at my Grandma's house I had no idea what he had told her all I knew was that he told her something that made her very emotional that when I spoke to her she was telling that her head hurt and stomach too. When I spoke to her she honestly very emotional. And I knew that it was him but I couldn't get it out of her she didn't to talk in front of my grandmother either .

But on Saturday she was fine and very happy to go to my mother's house. It was on Sunday that my daughter finally spilled the beans andshe told me "Grandma doesn't like me." When I asked her who said that she wouldn't answer so I sat her down and told how much every one loved her including Grandma. And how much Grandma loves having her there.

And he did all this because he got wind of the fact that I was going to go out with my sister for her friend's B-Day. So he was basically mind fucking his 6 year old daughter. When I spoke to my daughter on Friday she soooo upset there was no way I could have gone out and had a good time.

He is a big piece of shit and I hate so much my daughter was soo upset that she didn't even want to talk him all weekend (on the phone).

He also told her not to tell me because Mommy will be mad her.

It gets better then I have my ASSHOLE of a brother in law have the nerve tell me on Saturday that he needs to talk to me about the JERK-OFF but it was my sister's birthday night so the last thing I wanted to was talk the JERK and all the crap he putting me and my daughter through. Now it's not even like I talk to my sister's husband honestly I can't stand him. So for him to think that he could have a heart to heart with me he stupid for thinking he could. So I told him that tonight was not the time to talk about the JERF-OFF but he then tells me that he doesn't care and that we are talking tonight so I told him that I simply wouldn't go out with them that night (even thought I was the one that set everything up) he said fine. So I hung up on him and called my younger sister to tell her I wasn't going of course she was pissed then everyone started to fight.

It was one fucked up weekend not to mention that I haven't gotten my child support and now I don't have the money to pay my rent this month $1000.00.

I am trying not to get depressed and keep a positive attitude but it's so hard.

I will say this that JERK-OFF did the worse thing trying to brainwash my daughter now I will do everything in my power to have the courts keep him away from her. FUCK HIM HE DOESN'T DESERVE A GREAT KID LIKE MY LITTLE GIRL!!!! I WOULD RATHER STAY BROKE THEN EVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH AGAIN!!!

I know that HATE is a strong word but I ABSOLUTELY HATE THAT MAN AND I HOPE HE GOES TO JAIL OR JUST DISAPPEARS FOREVER, MY DAUGHTER WILL BETTER OFF WITH OUT HIM IN HER LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF YOU PAY ATTENTION THE WORLD DOES TALK TO YOU

Lately I feel like the world is screaming at me to show me the right path to follow.

The other day on my way home from work I was the Kiss FM and they had an author on the radio talking about how he is self published and he was giving types on how to be a self published author too.

Then I was watching TV and there was show about how look and feel younger and sexier. Not that I think I look old but I would love to have my bartender body back. I have but on a few pounds.

Then this morning on my way to work I turned on the radio and as soon as I turned to z100 I heard them talking about how it’s very easy to fall back if your ex (not that I would GOD NO) because you focus on all the good times and forget about the bad times. And that is so true.
I am counting the days for my Grandmother to come home from Puerto Rico. She makes my life a little easier. I can’t wait.

IT'S A NEW DAY

Today is a new day. And I love the fact that even though the problems from yesterday are still there I don’t feel the same way I did.

I woke up this morning not knowing what the change is but knowing that it was there.

I have to keep believing that I am the only one that can control my own destiny.

And even if I do have to go to court with JERK-OFF; I know that I am not just a good mother I am a GREAT MOTHER. And I maybe suffering financially but he will always be suffering because he won’t let his heart heal when it come to me.

And I know that I won’t suffering for much longer.

MY MIND IS FILLED WITH THOUGHTS AND WORRIES

I have been doing a lot of think lately and a lot of journal writing…of the things that I have to do and the things that I need to do. And there is one thing that keeps on haunting me, and that is NEGATIVE thoughts.

I feel like people are wishing that I fail that, I fall flat on my face. I strongly believe that I was put on this earth to be a writer. So how do you block the negative thoughts????

I am feeling a little better but to be honest I am still feeling like I am still not on solid ground yet and that’s because I haven’t my extra income. I know that as soon as I get under control and all the court shit out of the way I will feel whole of a lot better.

I just have to keep reminding myself two things:
Good things come to those who wait.
It’s never to late to be me

THE 4 THINGS I NEED TO DO!!!!!
GET MY LISENCE (PERMIT BY MY B-DAY 9-10)
GET A SECOND JOB (A.S.A.P)
FINISH WITH ALL THIS COURT CRAP (BEFORE THE BABY’S B-DAY 8-27)
FINISH MY BOOK (A.S.AP.)

BEYOND PISSED OFF SICK AND TIRED

PISSED DOESN’T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE HOW I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW.

THIS FUCKEN MAN IS NUTS AND HE’S DRIVING ME NUTS. HE WILL TRY EVERYTHING IN POWER TO TRY AND GET TO ME AND NOW HE HASMY DAUGHTER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WHOLE THING.

HER BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP IN LIKE A LITTLE OVER A MONTH AND NO MATTER WHAT PROBLEMS WE MAY HAVE HAD WE HAVE ALWAYS MADE HER BIRTHDAY THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT AND WE ALWAYS HAD A BIG PARTY. MY DAUGHTER DOESN’T HAVE MANY FRIENDS AND THE ONES THAT SHE DOES HAVE ARE ALL CHILDREN FROM FRIENDS OF HIS WHICH I KNOW AS WELL.

NOW HE DOESN’T WANT TO HAVE ONE BIG PARTY HE WANTS ME TO HAVE MY PARTY AND HIM TO HAVE HIS PARTY AND I AM NOT TO CALL ANY OF THE HIS FRIENDS TO INVITE THEIR CHILDREN TO THE PARTY THAT I AM SUPPOSE TO THROW FOR HER.

SO BASCILLY HE WANTS HER PARTY WITH ME TO BE EMPTY SO SHE CAN HAVE A MISAGIABLE TIME AT MINE AND HIS PARTY BE THE GREATEST THING FOR HER.

WHY MUST HE PUT HER THE MIDDLE?????

THAT’S NOT LOVE!!!!!!!!

I HATE HIM SOO MUCH AND I FEEL BAD FOR MY DAUGTHER.

MY GUESS IS HE FIGURES THAT IF I AM NOT GOING TO CARE ABOUT HIM TRYING TO RUIN ANYTHING BETWEEN AND SOME GUY AND I WON’T RESPOND TO STUPID MESSAGES LET’S HIT ME WERE IT HURTS AND USE MY DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!

FUCKEN JERK-OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A LEOPARD NEVER CHANGES IF SPOTS

The man is amazing...and seriously has some problems!!!

After I left my 2 post from yesterday I went about my business with work and everything and just as I was about to leave for the day a delivery came to my office. The most beautiful flowers in the world from the BIGGEST JERK in the world and attached to it was the most stupidest letter.

All talking about how I let my stupid ex -boyfriend from when I was in high school treat me like shit and I never called the cops on him; how could I do it to him. DUH I was 17 years old and so was he and I was young and stupid. But I made promise to myself that after him I would never let another man ever treat me like that again. And how much he misses me

To later that at around 12 am I get three messages from him about not speaking to our daughter before she went to bed. He should have called at early time then he would have known that she was over my grandmother's house and I had a writing assignment for the paper to do last night. But of course I have to be out Fucking half the world. That's what he thinks I do on my free time when I am not with my daughter.

What a fucken child!!!!

Now he is threatens to take my child support away let him I'll run his ass right back to court.

FUCK HIM!!!! FUCKING CHILD!!!!!

Well on a good note I have an interview for a bar today. I hope I get it!!!!

I think I will because it couldn't have come a better time!!!!

Peace & Love
And Happy 4th to Everyone

THIS SONG IS LIKE THE STORY OF ME AND MR. JERK-OFF

PAPA ROACH LYRICS
"Scars"
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane All I can say is
[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
[Chorus]
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

THEY SAY YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERYDAY

I am so angry today...angry, shocked and amazed. And like I aways say there is never a dull moment in my life!!!!

Well, last Thursday MR. JERK-OFF got arrested the cops finally found him when he was on his way to pick my daughter from school. And all this happened in front of his mother so she practically had a nervous break down and came running to get me so that I could go pick up my daughter because the school will not release my daughter to her. HELL NO THAT LADY IS NUTS!!!!

So my daughter sees that her grandmother is all upset and she doesn't see her father so of course my daughter began asking questions. She had nightmares all night thinking of her father and no I didn't tell her that he got arrested. But she knew something was up considering how her grandmother was acting and he wasn't there to pick her up like he told he would.

So between my daughter's nightmare and his mother's emotional fit I had to do the right thing and help to bail him out. And thank God he was released on ROR so no money had to be put up for him. I dropped the burgarly charges cause I got my stuff back BUT I DID NOT DROP THE ASSAULT CHARGES NO THAT HE HAS TO ANSWER FOR!!!!

I actually hoped that maybe because he spent a few nights in jail it would make him open his eyes but of course it didn't because as soon as he got out he tried to make me feel guilty by describing the whole experience which IT DIDN'T WORK.

Him and his mother actually wanted me to say that I made up the whole thing about him stealing my computer and the he took it to upgrade it and the night that he hurt me was my fault he was just defending himself against me. THEY ARE BOTH FUCKING INSANE!!!!! AND OF COURSE I SAID HELL NO!!!!!

Now I find out days later that the whole time he was giving me hard time about the guy that I am dating he has been fucking this girl that I know not a friend of mine but a girl I know. And he was also fucking an ex girl friend behind my back while we were together.

WHAT A FUCKEN HYPOCRITE!!!!!

He knows that I found out about the girl that I know and he swears that it's not true; ya like I am ever suppose to belive another word that comes out of his mouth again.

I always thought that the reason why he was so crazy obsessed with me was because he really loved me cause I was his first real girlfriend and because we have a child together...

I now realize that he just a child who don't know how to give up something he know longer has!!!

I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET MY LIFE BACK

It funny what your mind and body goes through when someone has invaded you privacy . My mother and aunt came over the other day and helped reorganize my apartment and try to make mine again.

At least I got my computer back but now it feels a little alien to me like it's not mine. I still feel like he can see everything I'm doing everything I am typing. I know that's not possible.

I know one day I'll be fine. I am looking forward to this weekend I plan on just hanging home enjoying the silence.

And in case anyone is wondering No the cops haven't gotten him yet...Why cause the cops by my house suck.

And sorry it took me so long for me post again I have been too crazy to sit and write.

@#$$%%$&$

I HAVE NEVER HATED ANYONE AS MUCH AS I HATE MY DAUGHTER'S FATHER!!!!!!!!

THE JERK-OFF BROKE INTO MY APARTMENT AND STOLE MY COMPUTER AND CAMERA THAT I USE FOR THE PAPER. THE COMPUTER THAT MY DAUGHTER USES TO PLAY HER GAMES ON; WERE SHE GOES TO PLAY ONLINE AT NICK.COM.

I HAVE THE WHOLE 45 PERCIANT LOOKING FOR HIM.

I WILL MAKE HIM PAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW STUPID CAN SOME PEOPLE BE

I gave the JERK-OFF a chance to pay his child support with out having to go to court like we had been doing before…but no he wants to be stupid and take me to court. You know what I say “TAKE ME TO COURT!!!!!!” He thinks that the fact he has a tape of me having phone sex with some I am seeing is grounds to I don’t know make me a bad mother.

How? Really?
I was home alone my daughter was at my grandmother’s house and it was a Friday night so it wasn’t like I didn’t have her and it was school night!!!!!

He is the biggest FUCKEN IDIOT and I have an appointment to see my lawyer on Thursday. YES THIS THURSDAY!!!!!!!!

Now let’s see what he’s done???
1.) HE is a drug dealer with a Felony drug charge pending in Westchester County
2.) HE illegally bugged my room
3.) HE broke my front door
4.) HE assaulted me and now the cops are looking for him now.
5.) HE has a record
6.) HE has know place to live.
7.) HE is using someone else’s name IDENTIY FRAUD
8.) HE hacked into my email account again ILLEGAL

And I had
1.) Phone sex with someone I am seeing when I was home alone
2.) And I write erotic fiction

WOW BAD MOMMY!!!!!!

WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!