SUPER MOM

There are days that I feel that there just isn’t enough time in the day for anything. I come home from some days and wonder were did all my time go.

I put in 6 hours a day in the city.

At least 3-4 hours at home the Diva School

Not to mention my mommy time-which I feel sometimes isn’t enough

And I have to try and make time Mr. New (The old MR. JERKOFF).

Once my life is a little bit more stable I am going on vacation. Not like I can far by I jut want a weekend of no “Mommy, mommy, mommy” or the cell phone ring all day and all night.

I'M BACK SORRY I'VE BEEN GONE SO LONG

Everything has in my life has changed and I must for the better. I’ll start with my job…well for those of you have followed my blog page I left the Wine Company. After getting slapped in the face a few time (figuratively speaking) I finally realized that my talents weren’t really appreciated there. And to my ex boss I was just another girl who he cared about was the sales guys only. But what he failed to realize was that I helped his sales force. It was me that created all the new Point of Sales and now who was going to it not his wife or the other new girl they both have a hard tome opening emails. There’s no way they could do what I did on Publisher.

I was out of work for a little while but I soon found my current job…which I love by the way. I am currently working for a construction company in the city. I am the owner’s personal assistant. Right now I work out of his home, the hours are good and the pay is good-I’m even allowed to bring my daughter to work with me if need be. Can’t any better then that?
I have also moved from old apartment and I am now renting a house in Throggs Neck (I know the famous question is “What the hell is a Throggs anyway?” Answer I have no idea). I just moved in about a week ago and I must that is great I feel such freedom and my daughter loves it cause I now have a back yard; which my dog loves too. My goal is to it buy hopefully next year.
The novel that I have been working took another turn so I am still working on it but I realized that there is a different story to tell. I want my novel to be Urban but not to street.
And not the final new different thing in my life…(Drum Roll Please lol) Mr. JERK-OFF is no longer MR. JERK-OFF (for those who just found my page MR. JERK-OFF is my daughter’s father). He’s in therapy now, has a job (people don’t fall out of your seats either) his job is on the books and he’s in the union.
He came to me last year (after and I guess through therapy he realized all the things the he did wrong to me and how doing all those thing affected our daughter. He told me that he learned after losing her (our daughter) for a year really put some perspective in his life.
But of course I wasn’t going to just take his word for it. So he has spent the last year proving to me how he has changed. He actually reminds me of the man that met 11 years ago. (damn that sounds soooo long ago lol)
So after about 9 months of him proving himself to me he took me out on a date and we have been dating since. As a matter of fact we are renting the house together and not to jinx myself but incase things don’t work I can still afford the place on my own.
I haven’t told my family yet that him have reconciled. And the reason why I haven’t is because my mother told me that if I ever wanted to get back together with him I would have to choose between the family or him. And to be honest I really shouldn’t have to. I mean I could see if he was doing the same this as before but he’s a changed man…a working man. But I did tell him if I ever find out that he went back to his old life out the door he goes.
So I am happy and everything right now is new and I love NEW!!!!

Day one of 2007

Today was the first day of 07 and I did get some writing done and ate some left overs. And at about 8pm something hit....



AM I JUST REPEATING EVERY DAY????



Life has been a little crazy for me...in 06 I was dealing with COCKBLOCKER and it is looking like he is getting to my boss because the other day he told me (CB) that we weren't going to do any wine tastings in January. I just think that they want me to get scared of how am i going to pay my bills and quit and find another job.



I being this up because I was wondering if I am working hard enough for me and my dreams for me and my daughter.





Am I doing enough? Am I SEIZING each day?



And a part of me is thinking "No"

Happy New Year Bloggers!!!

There is only a few minutes until 2006 is over and 2007 will be here. And I am sitting here in my living room I am thinking of the things that I want to change for the New Year to come. 2006 was a tough year but I got through it with my head held high. I may not have gotten all my resolution done but I did get some done:

1. I got the court crap done
2. I quit smoking

And to be honest two is better then none…so 2007’s promises are as followed:

1. Finish my novel (I’m in Chapter 13)
2. Get my Business us and running (EVERYONE REMEMBER "SunnyNites Ent." WE WILL BE THE PARTY PLACE!!!!)
3. Buy my house
4. Learn how to drive.
5. Blog more often

I have had so much hard time it’s time for some g times. And it’s not like I’m expecting it to be handled to me…no, no, no I plan on working hard for it!!!!

Like I always anything worth having is worth fighting for.

And a new life is worth fighting for; for me and my daughter.

Happy New Year Bloggers!!!! May 2007 being you all the Miracles & Blessings we ALL DESERVE!!!!!

P.S. and not for nothing I would really love this war to end this year!!!!!!


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

ANSOMINA

It’s 5am and I am awake…but it’s no big surprise to me not after the day I have had.

Life has been great for me thus far…I have been planning for the wine tasting putting a few things second like the planning of My Business, my novel and well I guess I can be a little bit more aggressive with the Diva School. So now that I am typing this I guess it is good that it happened. I just don’t like the way it happened.

DAMN COCK-BLOCKER

Sorry my mind wondered off a minute thinking about the day.

Allow me to start off by saying that the man who pays my salary is very good man with a great heart. Some times his business sense I have to question. But there is this guy I have to work with I will call him a FAT COCK-BLOCKER; who yes has been in the business a little longer then me but it’s still sales and I’ve been doing it my whole life. SELLING IS MY SHIT!!!!!

So I have been booking the appointments for my wine tastings and things have been fine. This is until today. For the past few days FAT COCK-BLOCKER has been bitching about the fact that he wants more tastings done. So I hired my friend to help me this way I can still get money if I am paying her rather some girl coming in and me losing money and possible my job.

Which bothered FAT-COCK BLOCKER cause I think her promised some girl he would get the job that I have on the weekends. So now he went to my boss and convinced him that he should be the ones booking the appointments.

He even tried to make it seem like maybe I wasn’t really out there. Isn’t that fucked up?

And then today on the phone him and I got into an argument about the appointments he started yelling at me on the phone like if I was his child or he was my boss. And know one yells at me.

Now I have sat in my house all day waiting for him to bring me my samples so that I do my tastings this weekend and he choice to call me at 10pm to say that he would be here in like 20 minutes. So I told him no it was too late not after he had me waiting all day, yelled at me on the phone and the put some crazy shit into my boss’ head.

I know what he is up too; I’ve been through it a million times before he’s going to try and me miserable so that I give up quit and then he can bring in his girl.

Well FUCK THAT AND FUCK HIM!!!! And just despite him I am not going to give up (also cause I’m a quitter) but I’ll show him and GOD help him if down the road I my permit to sell wine I will run his ass out the Bronx.

But first things first. I have to make my number go through the roof (promotion wise).

I just have to make sure that no other girls get hired if there not through me. CAUSE FUCK HIM I’M NOT LET HIM GET THAT!!!!

But I can’t help but wonder if part of this is my fault cause I have been talking about my plans now that I was feeling comfortable. And it blown up and that always happen when I tell too many people of my plans.

NO MORE MICA!!!!!

Negativity is a Disease (A 2 day Blog cause I've been soo busy)

I have done something crazy…but nothing as crazy as my father is making it out to be as if I committed a crime. And this is what I mean about my father well my family in general they treat me as if I have no brain in my head.
Here is what made my father flip out me:

Her name is Blondie and she is the sweetest thing is the world. I should have named her Chrissy Snow from “Three’s Company” because there are so many times she reminds of her. Dumb (in a sweet way like when she sees herself in the mirror she gets confused or the fact that she always trips down my two little stairs) yet smart at times because she can follow some commands already.

I have had her already for two weeks, she doesn’t bark and is house trained. And when I looked into her blue eyes I couldn’t say no when she was given to me. They had sold her brothers and sisters for $800 and I got her for free.

I know that an apartment is no place for a dog that will grow to be that big but I do not plan on staying in this apartment after my lease is up. I can’t keep on paying these high ass rents and not own it. And I have been thinking about high school for my daughter and as much as I love living in the Bronx I’m not crazy about the High Schools.

But I can’t and won’t tell my father or anyone else in my family of any of my plans. They can’t picture me not living my life in my make shift two-bedroom apt and living on food stamps.

My father won’t even give me credit for still making money from home after I have lost my job.

But I’m proud of myself because usually I would argue with him and try get him to see things at least a little bit my way. But this time I didn’t I just yes him and then hung up.

But it did really bother me how upset he got he acted as if I got the dog just despite like I got her just to piss him off. Which I have no idea why he would say that. And all he could talk about is how she a Bit-bull and they are vicious dogs.

Now that right there would have caused the old me to defend my dog but instead I said nothing I just let him finish and then hung up. Which I think pissed him off more.

I think a dog is as vicious as their owner makes them.

I love my dog and I know that I DID NOT make a mistake taking her in my home.

DAY 2

I woke up thing morning still feeling my father negativity hanging over me. Some might say that I should have stood up for what I believe and what I want. But to be honest I am sooooo tired of fighting. I mean I refuse to role over and do something that I don’t wan to do. But honestly what is the point of trying to get people to see me for who I am when they are soo closed minded. They are just going to see me the way they want anyway.

I just simply refuse to aggravate myself with people that won’t even try to open their mind even a little bit.

My father is type of man that believes that he will one day win the lotto and this way he can retire early and just lay around the house and do what he wants. That dream for a more realistic then lets say me starting my own small business from home, or me getting my novel publish and me make it as a writer.

I believe the best way to just prove them all wrong is to just do everything that I know I can do and just not tell them shit until I have done it. (which is what I am doing)

I love my father and my family but honestly they can all kiss my ass if all they want to see me is as a needy woman that will never make it because they will be sadly mistaken.

All I have to say to myself is this one thing…

“MICA, GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR AND FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED!!!!!”

SISTERS

I would have to say that after this weekend I have no idea who my sisters are or what goes through there heads. The emails from my younger sister on my myspace page didn’t stop as a matter of fact I still have to reply to her last email. Which she basically said she had no secrets and that the reason she hasn’t called me was because she knew I was upset about her getting married.

Now that is how small minded my sister is she thinks that is reason why I am upset with her. She not even thinking about how she kept it from me and told my older sister, and her ex and friends of hers before she told me.

She also had the nerve to tell me that she hasn’t call me because she knew I was upset with her eloping and she was waiting for me to get over it. The girl pisses me off.

I mean really did she expect me to call her a few days after her announcement and bitch…NO I wasn’t doing that for what? So she can go back to everyone in the family and all her friends and say “You see my sister can’t even be happy for me!”

Mind you I would be happy for her if she did it for all the right reasons. Instead of getting married for whatever reason she did it for; to then cheat on him. It makes no sense to me.

And I know she looking for me to get upset and loss my temper but I refuse to do that and give her that satisfaction.
Now all I have to do is get her to stop trying to tell me how to run my life because honestly I don’t see her doing such a good job with hers.

Some people have the BIGGEST balls in the world.

Some people have the BIGGEST balls in the world.

I have a myspace page (which I barely use) so anyway my sister (the one that got married with anyone) found my page and requested me to be her friend. And about the only thing I know how to do on myspace is say “yes” the friend request. This was Tuesday night and last night she sent me another message saying, “You really shouldn’t let IDIOTS be your friends”. Now I know why she said that because one of the things one on myspace is that you can see who my friends are. And I have about 10 people on it and I think 3 of them I don’t even know who they are but one of them is MR. JERK-OFF. That’s were we email each other; not a big deal. Well, except for her that is.

Instead of her asking me why is up there she would rather leave me stupid message that the whole world can read.

And the thing that really pisses me (well there are a few reasons why it pissed me off) is that I haven’t spoken to her since my birthday on September 10th. She doesn’t call me anymore or come or visit and she got married and didn’t care how anyone felt…she did what she wanted, the way she wanted and didn’t care what anyone thought or said about it. So what the hell give her the right to make comments about anything in my life?

And I know why she didn’t tell me about her getting married and I also know why she hasn’t picked up the phone to call me either…she knows that if she would have told me about her getting married I would have questioned her.

Now don’t get me wrong I may not be the biggest fan of marriage but I would never tell someone not to get married…to each there own. But I would have questioned her decision because for as long as they (my sister & her husband) I have never seen love for him her eyes. Don’t get me wrong I know she cares deeply about him and she may love him but she has NEVER been in-love with him.

How do I know this you may ask?

Well I’ll tell you how I know she cheated on him (her husband) about a million times with her ex. And I just found out that about a week or two later after she got married she cheated on him again with her ex. So what was the point of getting married?

And if she had told me about her getting married I would have asked her “Are you sure you want to do this?”
“I thought you always said that you wanted to have your own apt first before you got married.” (She told me that. She said that she didn’t want to live with someone than get married not without knowing what it was like to be on her own)
“And what about your ex (the one she keeps sleeping with)?”

And there would be know why she could answer any of those questions and then I would have asked her “Are you sure you really want to this?”

I am waiting to see if she has anything to say after my reply; which was simple “What are you talking?” I didn’t let her know I knew what she was talking about MR. JERK-OFF.

People are just not happy unless they’re in my business.

A WOMAN WEARING MANY HATS (but I'm just as happy as she looks)

So I am on the LIRR on my way into Huntington to help out at my boss’s new office. And the ride is about 50 minutes so I will update my blog on the trip.

I was asked yesterday what I am doing for work now that I am working from home (well except for a couple of days of this week and next cause I promised my boss to help out at the new office.) So here we go; on the weekends I promote my boss’s wines I pretty good money doing that and I work usually Thursday night, Friday night and Saturday night.

I also work from home for a company called Diva School. I am there Business Manager. What we do you might ask? We teach women the art of striptease. (I found this job on Craig’s list believe it or not.) These two women started this business for bachelorette parties. My job is to book events and my job is bring in more business; they want to do it in more a classes way (and there is no nudity just in case you were wondering)

So I am doing two things that I find interesting Wine and Give Women back there sense sensuality. And I get do it all from my house which is a plus in it’s self.

So I am getting myself settled with this two jobs and once I can do it both with my eyes closed I will start on my business. Which because of the two companies I work for I thought I would open up my own entertainment company geared around Wine Tastings.

And on top of that I am in the middle of 11th chapter of my novel. And you know what I find funny…when I say “I’m in 11th chapter I always get the same question thrown at me. “Damn how many chapters is it going to be?”

To which I usually reply the same way “Um hello it’s a novel.”

My goal is to learn how to make a really cool myspace page for my business.

So I have been a very busy bee but I don’t mind.

(But to my landlord and lawyer I am unemployed just so they won’t put pressure on me.)

Day 2

It has been 2 days since I started working from home and I have to admit I really like it. Now I don’t think my landlord is going to like it because now I don’t get paid like I use too. I use to get paid so that I could pay my rent at least by the 10th now it’s going to take at least to the end of month. But I know that I really get this to work for me.

I am like my own boss…I don’t have to answer to almost anyone. I have to master both this wine tasting thing and the diva school thing (My jobs) and then I can work on making MORE money with the both of them.

But I must say I really like this. Yesterday I was able to work booking some parties, washed 3 loads of laundry and went to my wine tasting.

It was great!

MEN ARE NUTS

I believe that some were along the way the men that I know and get involved with loss their mind. Maybe it’s something I do, or say or maybe a smell I give off but they all seem to loss their mind.

I just got my idiot ex off my back and got him to start acting normal and now I have to deal with my idiot bed buddy going crazy. Well, I’ll say this much I will not!!!!

It started on Friday night…
I told him on about two months ago that I needed sometime to think. And all the fighting we did didn’t help me to think things through. I need sometime; with no sex and no fighting. The whole idea pissed him off but I didn’t care I needed it. Well that’s when he decided to start calling my cell phone and house phone at all hours of the night and leave me a million text messages. It was soo bad that my cell phone got disconnected because I went over on my text messaging minutes and couldn’t pay for them. And in away I didn’t mind cause he was driving me crazy!!!!. Then one night he showed up at my front door unannounced. Well that was a big NO, NO. He didn’t know if my daughter was home or not and considering I never let him hang out in my house when my daughter was home…what the hell made him think that I was going to let him so that we can get into a fight with her home.
(Well she wasn’t home but it was the principal of him not knowing if she was home or not)

I felt like he was suffocating me. So rather then me just taking time I just told him that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. Well like two months have passed and I hadn’t heard anything, which for me was great. Then about a week ago I got an email from him tell me that a mutual friend of ours was getting married. Now I would have loved to have gone to the wedding but I couldn’t for a few reasons:
1. the business I’m starting is mostly on the weekends so I can’t.
2. I don’t want to go with someone who is just going to fight with me or just sit and sulk.
3. I don’t have the money to go and buy a dress and shit like that.
4. and going with him would lead him on and I’m not for that.

So I said no, which in I ended up getting a week’s worth of calls and text messages again. Asking me things like how could I not care anymore? How can I go from seeing him to not seeing him? Crap like that.

Then Friday night he showed up again at my house with me inviting him. I must have told him a million times that him being this pushing is a BIG TURN OFF!!!!! And him being so pushy isn’t going to get me back either.
Like I said before the men I know are all nuts!!!!!!!!!

FAITH

Things for me have been going pretty good. Considering my boss is moving on the 20th of September.

But I am looking at differently not like what is this man doing to me? What am I going to do? Oh woo is me…poor Mica.

No I’m looking at like this is my time.

I started that part time job from my home it’s called the Diva School.com. And what it is teach women the art of stripe tease. Which I think awesome. I love the idea of teaching women how to be sexy and having fun with it. And I can do it from home which it even better. And this little business was started by two young women like in there 30’s. Which got me to thinking about my idea for the Bronx. (I won’t talk about it yet.)

But I started thinking about myself and my daughter and how I owe it her to try and do this and finish my book.

So I’m really going to put my all in this just like I have been with my book; which by the way I’m in my 11th chapter.

And like the Queen of R&B Mary J Blige says "You Can't Keep A Good Woman Down!"

LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH

Allow me by start off by saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY LITTLE BABY GIRL!!!! My beautiful little girl turned 8 years old this weekend. So I m the proud mommy of an 8 year old. It kind of freaks me out that one day I’m going to turn around and I am going to have teenage daughter one day. I love being a mother; I love being her mother.

But I will never throw another party with my family again. They really pissed me off. I was going to throw my daughter’s party in the park by my house but because of the rain I had to change it at the last to Chucky Cheese. Which I must say I hate that place. It loud and it can get crazy; not to mention that the place is expensive. My parents know after all the crap I’ve been through with court and that credit card crap that my money is tight. I told them that I didn’t have a lot of money.

I swear the money the food arrived (which took forever for it to get there) my father dived into the food. Mind he told my mother “Let’s have a big breakfast this way we don’t have to eat.” And he was the first driving me crazy about the food and soda. My whole family jumped at the food that by the time the kids came back to the table there was no more pizza.

Fucked up huh?!

I had to order another pie just for them. My daughter was upset that she had to wait. What I don’t get is why did the adults buy their own food considering they all know about my money problems?????

And the answer to that question is simple…MR. JERK-OFF was there. And when he’s around they want him to pay for everything. They don’t care that I’ve told them about a million times that he’s crying poverty and even if he did have money he’s NOT going to let me know it. They enjoy seeing me going off on him and I wasn’t about to do that not on my daughter birthday.

After the food I just wanted to end the party so it was cake time and presents time. So as I am cutting the cake I had my mother calling every 5 minutes to just repeat the same thing over and over. They were driving m crazy.

And the whole time MR. JERK-OFF is watching and what does he tell me “I see your family hasn’t changed when it comes to you.”

And what he meant by that is this…I have the ONLY grandchild in the family and when it come my family that doesn’t matter to them. They don’t go out of the way to see her or call her or anything. My mother was trying to get out of buy her a birthday gift. So you would think that because she is the only grandchild they would do more but they don’t.


I tell you I was SuperMom on Sunday.

I will say this next year I’m doing something else for her. Something just for her and her friends and if my family wants to do something they can do it themselves…cause I’ve had it

MY LIFE PLAN

I found this website for people who want to start there business and one of things on the site is this thing called "MY LIFE PLAN". So I filled it out and decided to put it my blog.


My current status:
Quality rating of my life on a scale of 1-100, with 100 being best
→ 75%
Realities of my life - responsibilities, funds available, expenses
→ My daughter and maintaining a happy and healthy home

• My funds are low - credit bad
• My expenses are almost double what I make

Things that make me happy
→ Writing and having the freedom of being there for my daughter
Things that make me unhappy
→ Owing money and not having food in frig
My ideal life:
→ Owning my own home
→ Driving
→ Being a published writer
→ Starting my own business
→ Being able to take my daughter on vacations
My loves: what I really like doing
→ Writing
→ Reading
→ Having Fun (Hanging with my girls)
→ Spending time with my daughter; relaxing
→ My skills & capabilities: what I do well
→ Writing
→ Computer
→ Creativity
→ Determination
→ People Skills
My track record: what I have experience doing
→ Bartending
→ Sales
→ Computers
→ People Skills
→ Wine Business
My ideal work style
→ Flexiblity
→ Relaxed environment
→ Being able to give something back
→ To make enough money that I don't have to worry every month about how am I going to this bill or my rent and to get off Food Stamps
→
My manifesto Â…outline your personal mission and your values in this section, and wrap this into a statement no longer than one page. This statement of purpose and what drives you should encompass all of the information you've outlined in the previous sections.

→ I want to be able to home enough for my daughter so that she knows that she has asolide support systemm. I also want her to see that hard work will get anything you dream of; no dream is too big. I want her to that she doesn't just have to work for someone. But I also want her to that for everything you get in life you should always give something back.
Key moves to get me where I want to go
→ Getting off my ass
→ Quit being Scared
→ Finish my novel
→ Don't listen to the negativity that is always thrown at me because know one has lived my life
→ Take my life MORE seriously

A NEW BEGINNING

(this card means New Beginning)



Well I am finally done with all my court crap. And let me tell you that I am happy bitch (and I won again). MR. JERK-OFF has to give $150.00 a week in Child Support. Which now he’s all worried as to how he is going to come up with money but that’s not my problem. Oh I have an idea “GET A JOB!!” Now, I can worry about paying my lawyer.

You would think that the people in my family (Mostly my father the most negative man on the face of this earth) would be happy for me. But of course he wasn’t. He thinks that I did nothing but gave MR. JERK-OFF time to get his shit together. UM hasn’t he been paying attention that’s all I want is for him to get his shit together.

My father believes that I should have taken his parental right away…like I can really do that. I can’t just go to court and say, “I want to take his parental rights away!” I mean they have criminals in jail who still have right s to see their kids. They are not going to take my daughter away from him just because I say so and he has a criminal background. My father also thinks that I should have asked for more money. I explained to my father that it’s not up to me what I get it’s up to the court. But of course I have NO IDEA what I am talking about and he does…cause he of course has been a single mother and has gone through the system. My father can be such a pain in the ass.

Over the weekend I went to my older sister’s house for something called a crab boil. Now let me be honest I haven’t really wanted to be around my sister’s since my younger sister’s wedding thing. I hate the fact that they keep secrets from me. Not to mention my older sister always acts like I’m some kind of embarrassment when she’s around her friends. Everything I say she rolls her eyes at and makes fun of so I really wasn’t up for being there. But I went cause my mother made and my daughter wanted to go. But I kept my distance but when I left saw that my older sister had a professional picture of my younger sister from her wedding day. I was about to flip out but instead I just put the picture down and walked out. And in the car on the way home I asked my mother if she got one and my mother said no.

I have no idea what is going on with my younger sister or was I did to her. And to be honest at this point I don’t really feel like asking either.

VIRGIN

I did something last night I never did before…I went to Bryant Park for their movie in the park. I have always wanted to that to but I have been so busy and crazy lately that I really haven’t had time to do anything do for me.

I have to admit that it was pretty cool. I saw And next Monday is the last night of movie festival and if weather permits I’m going to that one too.

There is something else I really want to do to and the Shakespeare in the Park but at one requires $$$$ and that is something I don’t have.

Tomorrow is another court day this is one is about Child Support. I can’t wait for this crap to end.

EVERYONE IS A WINNER

There are times when I forget that I am in control of my life…yes God may put obstacles in front of us all the time but what I forgot is that He don’t give us anything that we can’t handle.

So I’m not sure if I mentioned this before but I won the visitation case against MR. JERK-OFF and I went to court the other day for the credit card bullshit well I won that. The damn company didn’t even the application with my signature on it or any purchases that were made on the card. So the judge threw the case out and ordered them to return my money.

So 2 court cases down and 1 to go.

I was thinking about my situation what with my job and maybe just maybe it was God’s way of tell me “Mica you’re getting comfortable and you’re letting your dreams slip away”

THE VERDICT IS IN

So speaking with my boss and doing the research I won’t be going with him at the end of September. And I’m pissed because I finally found myself a job I liked something that didn’t take me from my daughter and now I have to give it up.

I have worked for other people and me being a single mother doesn’t work for them but what they don’t understand is that she comes first and always will. My mind is running like crazy right now with questions; like “What am I going to do?” “What am I going to for money until I find a job?” “Will be able to pay my rent when the time comes? (Cause it’s not like I can start a nest egg not with all the money I owe) “And why won’t the piece of shit asshole I call an ex get a job!?” “Will I be able to collect unemployment?”

I’m so depressed right now and I really don’t want to be but that’s the only emotion I know right now

FEELING A LITTLE LOST TODAY

I went on interview this weekend for a pretty cool company. It would be on part time bases which is fine with me (which I REALLY, REALLY hope I get). And then after my interview I sat in Cosi’s on Broadway & 13th working my novel and I sat there I really wished that I had my camera with me. There were so many pictures that I wanted to take. I looked at how some of the people were dressed on beautiful Saturday afternoon. I always found it so interesting how the people of New York (and I mean in the city) are like snow flakes…meaning you’ll never see two people looking the same. But now if you go to the Bronx every guy and every girl looks and sounds the same. I guess that’s why I love being in the city.

Finally a friend of my mine showed up and we went for a walk. We walked through the outside flea markets. I looked at all the things I wished I could have bought. We then ended up in the village which is my FAVORITE place in the city. I WOULD LOVE, LOVE to live there. I look up at the windows and wish one was mine. All in all it was nice day. I had fun.

My weekend was pretty quiet because after my visit to the city I hide in my grandmother’s house with my daughter and enjoyed the silence. Now everyone in my family knows that since my grandmother has been in PR that on Saturdays I take my daughter there. When I got home Sunday night there wasn’t a single phone call from my family not a one. I haven’t spoken to my younger sister since the night of her party. Time has pasted and I’m over my sister’s wedding thing. You know whatever…

This morning I woke up and it really bothered me that I haven’t heard from anyone in while. If I don’t pick up the phone and call them they won’t. Now that’s some what expectable from a friends but family??? I don’t think so.

So on my way to work today I couldn’t stop thinking about that…how my family never calls me, never look for me or my daughter. Honestly they only look for her when they get wind that MR. JERK-OFF’S Family is looking for her. And it’s been that way since she was born.

My thoughts went back to a time when I wasn’t close to my family and this all started pretty much when my adopted my brothers moved in. I got lost in the shuffle of kids. But after my daughter was born I really wanted the whole close family thing. And I realize now that maybe it was all just one-sided. (This is not including my grandmother & aunt; they have always been there for me since I was a little girl I went with them everywhere)

Which then got me to thinking; “Every decision I make in my life I think first about how they (my mother, father & sisters) would feel about.” And why should I keep doing that when they obviously don’t stop to think about how there decisions could affect my daughter & me.

For example X-mas & News Years Eve they have left town plenty of time and didn’t stop and think about how her or I would feel about not spending the holiday with them. The same for my little ones b-day; they messed a few her birthdays and this is the ONLY child in the family.

So as I have done with the men in my life I am going to do with my family. I have to keep putting me and my little ahead of EVERYONE INCLUDING MY FAMILY!!!!

I BELIVE IT WAS ALL IN MY MIND

I must say I’m pissed off and after I blog this I am not going to bring it up anymore because honestly there won’t be no point.

I believed that I came from a very close family. I mean I have toyed with idea for relocation a few times but the thing that has stopped me from actually doing it is my family. I think about them and how fucked up it would be for them to miss out on my little one’s life. I thought it would be a little selfish of me.



I was invited this weekend to a surprise party for young sister who turned 26 on the 27th. I was happy to go and celebrate the day with her. So we did the usual thing when we saw her coming we all hushed and then yelled “SURPRISE!!!!” She looked beautiful a vision in white. At which point she then says.

“The surprise is on you guys cause we got married!”

So the smile that I had on my face for my sister’s birthday quickly disappeared.

Now don’t get me wrong I wasn’t upset cause she got married. What pissed me off was the fact that I didn’t get to be there with her on her wedding day. I wasn’t there to help her get ready. I have been there for all my sister’s major events; 16th birthday, proms, school stuff etc. I was always her make-up artist. I was her excuse when she cheated on boyfriends. So why would she tell me?

And then at the party my older sister says “Well I only knew about them getting engaged.”

I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT THAT!

Then the next day I called a mutual friend of mine and my sister’s and he knew that they got married on the day that got married. And my sister’s girlfriend was her witness.

I told my sister I don’t know how many times that I would have been very hurt and upset if she got married without me because I missed my older sistergetting married BOTH times!!!! And she did it anyway.

I don’t understand why I could be her witness. What did she think that I couldn’t keep a secret; I’ve kept all her other secrets.

I really thought that we were close. I guess I was wrong. And my parents can’t even begin to understand why I’m bothered by it!

But that’s the way it’s always been with my parents they have always felt that I made a big deal out of nothing.

Like when my brother (adopted) was stealing money and jewelry from them and he blamed me I got my ass beat and punished and when they found out that it’s wasn’t me and it was him I never even got an I’m Sorry. Nope they just swept it under the rug. And to this day my father still gets upset when I tell that if I saw my brother in there house I would walk out. I want nothing to do with him.

When I was younger I really hated being around my family because either I got blamed for everything or I simply wasn’t included. After I had my daughter I kind-of forced family get togethers on them. I really wanted my daughter to have the whole big family thing.

But for what when it doesn’t even bother my sisters’ that they didn’t have my daughter; there ONLY niece at there wedding as there flower girl.