Sunday, October 03, 2010

A walk can take you on a journey

So I know that I haven't posted "Put Up or Shut Up" yet and there is a reason for that...I have to do the same thing. I have been living this double life for over a year even though I put my foot down a few months ago. So a few days ago because I hold sooooo much inside of me I had a panic attack. It was so bad that 911 was almost called. Now I have never really had 1 except for 1 almost 10 years ago but I didn't realize it at the time.
So now days later I'm sitting in my nook Blackberry in hand sending this out because I realized something-my panic attack had to do with trust. I panicked that I just may trust his bullshit again & let me tell you something ladies & gentlemen he is blowing some major smoke up my ass and whether he means it-if he is truly sincere about all the things he is saying it's a shame because all I see is smoke.
I don't trust him anymore not matter how much love is there I don't trust him to have my back not the way I have had his.
Being his friend is killing well as putting me on hold. Now I have never allowed any other man to do that to me why should allow it from him.

They say when you point a finger at someone you are actually point 3 back at yourself. And I saw this weekend that is very true. For the all blaming and pointing fingers I did at him the one I was mad at the most was me because I trusted him again...Me... no one else & I know my daughter is just as nice & forgiving as I am. And I know I shouldn't have forgiven Music man or WBD as many times as I did. But I did and I can't change that. I can only except, learn & move on.
And my panic attack was my fear that I would do it again...forgive when I know deep down inside. I shouldn't-forgive out of guilt & expected responsibility. When I know damn well that I am not that kind of woman...not anymore. I have always said that I would rather be with someone for all the right reasons then all the wrong reasons.
He says that I am his best friend...well of course I am why wouldn't I be. I have always been there for him...I have always had his back. I defended him to everyone but thinking back when has he ever had mine?
And when I threw my question at him...I really knew that I was just throwing it at myself. But when he answered my question finally "would you want our daughter with someone like you?" His answer (and remembering it now still makes my heartbeat painfully fast & makes my head hurt) "as long as he could put a roof over her head"
Well he ripped my heart out of my chest & handed it to me and I watched it turn to dust. Because he was tell me in so many words "hey lady we are soooo not on the same page."

And so for almost a week I lost myself in sadness but today on my walk listening to my music a thought crossed my mind and this was it:
"Do I want to be with a man who will always lose his appreciation for me & when it happens it will always kill me or would I rather be with men that appreciate me and if they lose it I honestly wouldn't care?"

And I say men and not caring about losing there appreciation because I never had many boyfriends & my friendboys well all though I cared deeply for them I never gave myself not completely so I moved on quickly. But WBH when he looks pasted me and doesn't see what he has standing in front of him it kills me. So why go through that...I have never had a problem with sleeping alone.
And I'm fine with never find someone to fully appreciate me & not love me for me. BUT to love me (even claim to love me) and not appreciate me I can't stand for that.
So I must put this to an end for my own sanity.
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