Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Closure & finally feeling good about it

Hello loyal reads today’s entry is dedicated to a LB…I learned a lesson knowing him and I am not sure if I will get the opportunity to say this in person “I’m glad for having known you…thank you.” So the letter I would have written to him I put here.

Dear friend-you're my muse this morning...my blog which I have neglected for a minute is going to be about some the crap that has been running this mind of mine...first off let me allow me to say "Thank you.” Thank you for reminding me of the type of woman I really am." Before you met me I was like I told you in our 1st IM "I'm like a guy with big boobs." I just didn't care and I was letting my desire lead the way never letting my heart really get involved. I kept my heart & dreams to myself because honestly-trust is a very difficult thing for me.

But in meeting you I was reminded that I want to trust again but who I need to trust is myself & the choices I make and that’s what has been killing me. When I 1st met you I lumped you in with the rest of the men I knew or have come across but you were different you became a friend and it was nice. You & I want very different things out of life BUT you reminded me that I still "I WANT something".
These are the good things that ran through my mind the bad is how I have failed badly in past & I wonder if I even have the right to try again with a child at the age she is.

Since you've moved on I have hung with the girls & the my guy friends & I pulled out the little black book again but this time it really didn't want that empty life I have been living I wanted more. I want fun and laughter and cuddling and that mushy crap. LOL

Then my past came back to haunt me with promises of offer me ALMOST all things I want.

So I have been stuck wondering…do I keep living the way I have been for God knows how long pretty much disconnected?
My family has told me that in the past few months the bitch in me has defrosted a little & so pay I credit where it’s due...you were the 1st person who was nice to me just be nice and now I think I MIGHT (still working it though) to put myself out there again...for real.

So thank you...

And I do hope you meant it for us to be friends because good people are hard to come by these days you were always great to talk too and I always felt like you wanted what’s best for me.

Wish me luck & I send out to you Blessings and the BEST of wishes and I hope you find someone that sees how sweet & nice I think you are
I hope I get to give you my token of my appreciation in person & before your next concert you might want to wear it.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart

Working on Me

So I have been going through my own little bit of personal and emotional drama…that now looking back it’s my fault entirely and here is why. I haven’t gotten my heart involved with anyone in years. I usually look for the ungettable (another made up word of mine) and I stupidly did that with LB. When I had no business doing that. I mean my life with WBH is still up in the air I haven’t even taken care of that yet. SO what business do I have looking at someone that is suppose to be wonderful.

There is part of me that want to believe all the wonderful things he said to me because I am as wonderful as he said I am and I am the type of woman he said I am. But there is a part of that doesn’t want to believe it easier to hate someone and not be with them then it to not be with them and still feel good feelings about them.

And I also learned that no matter who I choose in my life my sis will not be happy for me. Her jealousy will always get the best of her. And talking to her about matter of the heart will NEVER help me.

I am better off following my gut…my gut told me to end when I started liking him and I listened to her BIG mistake…
And believe that someone out there will take as the woman I am terms and conditions included.

But it would be nice if he'd prove me wrong and still wants keep some kind of friendship with me...it would be very reassuring to be proven wrong that not all men are lying assholes...i guess only time will tell

Friday, June 18, 2010

Bouncing Back

That piece of my heart that was hurting is now hanging on for dear life...
I've come to the conclusion that maybe the heart doesn't break maybe it just freezes over-maybe it takes someone to thaw the freeze and if a person gets hurt again it just freezes over again and that little warm spot the started the thaw is what hurts...like a cut on your knee.

Life is too short to live in pain...that part of my heart still aches but I learned something from meeting him...and that is I deserve more...I deserve happiness and I deserve to be me...flaws and all...

I will be loved...
And I so far I take back wanting to hate...so far...

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Just a Thought

I think something happens to a person after they have been let down 1 too many times. I think that is where I learned how not to trust. All the time I've been with WBD he has let me down time & time again.

As a matter of fact they all have but then I throw the question out there AGAIN "am I asking for too much"? And I have to say no...I mean I just want what I would want for my daughter...

An honest man
A loving man
A caring, kind man
One that will look at her with new eyes everyday
Someone who go out of his way to make sure she never worries
And to see her happy makes his heart swell and his body vibrate
Someone one will know her and know what will worry her what will freak her out...not what will piss her off because to be honest that has to happen in order to have GREAT make up sex...
He can finish her sentences & almost know her thoughts
But in the end someone who understands her.

This is what I want for me...
WBH claims he is that man but HELLO what are you doing with our life.

Why broken hearted?

I think because I do want all the things he wants love, commitment (no kids though) but I'm scared and my heart is broken because I want that not per say with him but I want it with someone I can trust...is there anyone out there I can trust?

My heart is soooo heavry because I honestly I don't know if what he said to me was all true all those wonderful things...did he mean them?

I guess I'll never know
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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I didn't know I care so much...lie yes I did

Its a sad thing when I lie to myself...I was really liking lover boy...the more I hung out with him the more I wanted to hang with him. I so loved the way he looked at me like I was the dish of ice cream and he was the spoon (I got that the Jane Austin book club movie i've always thought that was a great line). He made me feel brilliant & amazing. He looked at me the way I look at myself.

But it ended today and I am very sad my heart is so heavy right now I really liked him or rather maybe I like how he treated me.

But how will I know that something like that those feelings, those looks last forever, they didn't for my parents, my aunts, my sister or me for that fact... I gave my heart and trust to WBH and look where I am today...and I'm not even talking about the past I'm talking about present bullshit he's doing right now...(I'm sure he will see he is doing nothing wrong yet again)

How do I trust another man?
But again I know I deserve more?
He did show me how I want to be treated?

He showed me what I want in a relationship and what scares the shit out of me when it comes to them as well?

I don't think I can handle my heart breaking not completely not again?

But regardless I do know 1 thing for sure I sure as shit can't keep living like this with WBH.

Well 2 thing this is really hurting me
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Monday, June 14, 2010

2 different places

I was chatting the other day with my GF Sharon (you'll see her labeled on some of my blog entries
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Don't think I can...

I don't think I tell a man that I love them. I find those 3 little simple words can ruin a person's life. It changes everything or at least that's the case with me. Men seem to believe they own me after those words fall from lips. Not to mention I am usually the first 1 to say it and just once I would like it said to me first ( not that I would believe it but I might melt to hear it)

I've always been the 1st to show my feelings. I was the 1st 1 to tell Music Man that I loved him & WBH I told him I loved him and I proposed first too.

I'm going to be 36 years old and I'm afraid I will never hear it first but most importantly will I ever believe it....because you have to trust them to love them & I don't think I can do that. My heart is fragile I think a gust of wind can shatter it.

People swear I'm this woman made of solid rock but to be completely honest I'm not. But I put out this STRONG BITCH who takes nothing from anyone. But we know that's not true cuz I'm swallowing WBH shit right now.
One day a man will want me as much as I want me & will see in me what I see
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Wednesday, June 09, 2010

4am thought

Awake again at 4:49am...laying in my living room with the dog & cat. And all I can think is "WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE ME FIRST" I got home & dinner was made (because I was out & I told him it was his turn to cook) After dinner I got comfortable took a shower so I was all fresh & clean. I put on a cute pair of panties & a t-shirt and went to go lay in bed. He chooses not to take notice and not to take a shower before bed & just go to sleep.
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Monday, June 07, 2010

SHHHH a Secret About ME

My sisters believe that I don't want or need a man and to be honest that is so not true...but I don't want the men that are around me right now...I want a man that I WANT not one that I NEED...huge difference.

Last night showed me...or actually reminded me that this is my life and only I can change shit in my life and who is suppose to walk though life with me isn't going to solve my problems but rather enhance my life and will be bring out all the greater qualities of me...because he sees them in me and wants me to shine...

He will be a man that sees me cry and not want to fix the problem but just wants my tears to end.

And he won't want tears to end because they anger him or annoy him but because it kills him to see me cry. He would be the type of man with a heart of gold and would see me as his equal and won't make my accomplishments out to be less then what they are.

But I wonder if I am even capable of being with 1 man forever living happily ever after. I think that all the times my heart has been broken it made the part of me that trust fade away.

If I could I would love to make the perfect man to go with the perfect me...Strong, confident, sexy, powerful (meaning sensing & feeling ones own true power there potential) driven...someone that enhances my true me.

The perfect man...would see me cooking up a storm in the kitchen lost in the aromas I am creating and when I'm either stirring the food or washing dishes he sees a strap from dress fall off the shoulder & he can't resist but to come over and kiss my neck as he runs his hand over my body because he's happy I'm there for him.

And as I lay in bed night after night and wonder why he doesn't want to lay next to me. Why doesn't he hand want to wonder towards me I also wonder if it is like this in all relationships.
Does the interest-the PASSION always fade?

Or is it possible just even a little of that spark will remain even a little because I need that in a relationship. I need to feel desired that is very important to me or I'm asking for too much?

But in a nut shell I do want a man but I want one that appreciates the sexy woman i am, that's cooking his meal, washing his cloths that just appreciates me for me and doesn't want to to change me.

A man that thinks of me and puts me first and loves to make me happy and my tears are his weakness because it pains him to just to see 1 fall from eyes. He will understand that I'm only human and there are days I need time be to alone because he knows me getting to know myself better makes a better a person.

HA HA HA HA Maybe I am asking for too much?

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Broken Hearted


I am soooooo mad...not just mad but hurt and as I type this I am trying to hold my tears back..

My sister wants to know why I don't want to get married...why so I can live disappointment everyday..

I honestly starting to believe I can't trust anyone....

I am hurt & it keeps happening WBH can't the best out there...oh God no..
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Why does it amaze me?

It is now almost 1am and I am laying here in my bed with silent tears rolling down my face...because yet again I put my faith and I began to trust someone and they ended up being full of shit.

You know just when I think or start to look at ppl with an open heart I get an enormous amount of reminders that my original thought ppl and relationships is all the same...its worth crap and men talk soooooo much shit & they never mean what they say.

I plans with LB to go to club thing with my fam no big deal 2 drinks then we are gone and a night of sex...I was even working on a way to sleep over. I asked a week in advance and now what 2 days before he cancels and you know what my gut called it. I knew it deep down inside it wasn't gong to happen...I knew just like WBF, my bf and countless others that they would let me down when I need them.

Maybe there is no such thing as a reliable person...someone you can count on no matter what...someone who will pick up when you fall...maybe it is all just in the love songs, in the movies, in the novels because it can't live in the real world...

I love with all of me & I don't have to be in love with you to love but if I love you. You can ALWAYS count on me no matter what (even ex bf if God forbid something happened and she called I would be there....that's just me)

But I never get it in return and then I turn mean and cold ppl wonder why...

But here is my question say all the right things?
Why try and be right?
Why play with a person?

And as I lay here in the dark...clicking away on my blackberry at now 1am I lay here and see prime example #1 WBH he would never notice anything with & if he does he says "he doesn't care enough to pay attention". usually meaning me.

I'm still going to fam thing with a date because FUCK THEM...FUCK THEM ALL WHO CAN'T KEEP A PROMISE
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Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Everyday I still get amazed

I would have to say that this weekend has suxed ass. Every plan I made was totally fucked and ruined....
Got dressed up see Sex in the City and half my party canceled and I didn't even get to see the movie. Silver lining...I looked fabulous...

Well my ex bf was txting me from 7:30am...we were suppose to have a lunch date to if our friendship was worth saving but after 2 hours of insults and lies. Silver lining I lost 130 lbs of toxic mess..

I went with friends to see an old Freestyle group but they never showed so left early. And it turns out WBH let my cat who is a house cat & when I let my dog out they go into it and of course I got in the middle and my hand got malled in the end by the cat. As a matter of fact me & dog got our ass kicked by the cat. And I got not 1 bit of sympathy from WBH as a matter of fact I got into a fight with him because he let the cat out & didn't care what happened to me.
And because I had no use of my hands for the past few days I've needed help getting dress & doing my hair & he'll huff & buff like its an inconvenience.

I mean serioursly what is the point of have a BF if he doesn't want to help you when you need him. I mean shit I still can't use my backyard because he hasn't mowed it yet. I mean shit he does nothing all day he can't keep my damn house looking nice.. And every time we get into a fight he always has to bring up the fact that he's paying the rent...well fuck that I pay bills too con ed, cable, food and anything that comes up. Its not like I get to keep my money or I use it all on me. I carry my weight around here.

Perfect example all the blood from hands is all over my front door & steps...right today is now wednesday & he can just walk in and out & have his friend and not care....so WHAT FUCK DO I NEED HIM FOR!!!!!!
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