Monday, December 27, 2004


There is something seriously wrong with today’s music.

We have women talking about their “Goodies” another one talking about how they need a “Soldier Boy” and it’s not even real Soldiers they are talking about thugs.

I mean really what kind of example are we showing our young girls today with role models like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie.

Maybe the wrong thing in that we are allowing letting our young girls look up to them in the first place. When we should be there role models..

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Experiencing Wendy

On my way home from work today I caught the end of Wendy Williams reading a letter from a 15 year old little girl who for the past three years she has been getting raped by her stepfather and now she's pregnant with this sick bastard’s child. This poor girl is worried about telling mother out of fear that her own mother would disown her.

The whole thing disgusted me and not because I don’t think things like that happen but because I hear of them happening all too often and usually now a days the mothers choose the men over there own child.

I watch my daughter tonight as she sleeps and it screams in my head “HOW CAN ANY WOMAN CHOOSE A MAN OVER THERE CHILD; THE ONLY PERSON THAT COULD EVER BE THAT CLOSE TO YOU.”

I am not the most religious person but I do know for a fact that God made us the givers of life for a reason and he didn’t give that responsibility...that power to men for a reason. No offense to them but they really couldn’t handle it.

I have had the same argument over and over with my family because they don’t believe that I will never allow another man to share my home besides my daughter’s father and now that we are not together but kind of together not even he can share my home. Call me over protective or just plan crazy but I am not willing to gamble with my daughte's innocence for a man. (Not that her father has ever done anything to her but I refuse to put her thought fighting and that’s what we do when we live together)

Before I kind of sort of got back together my daughter’s father I dated a few guys and the only way they lasted more than a week was if I never heard a word about meeting my daughter. My thing was they were dating me not my daughter she was mine & not to be shared.

Again call me strict and over-protective I really don’t care…I’m doing what I know is best for my daughter and I’ll fight lions and tigers to do it

I really thought about this…I honestly did and the only man that is allowed to around in my house freely is my cat and even he got his balls cut.

I know that my mind will forever stay with that girl. There will be nights that my mind will drift back to her and wonder “Is her soul still living?”…because honestly it’s so hard to live with something like that.

But I think; no I know that the one question that will forever haunt my mind will be how can any men or women do this to an innocent child? How can they take there trust away like that?...there innocence?


I have been working for my boss for the past... I don’t know three years now and he should knows from my resume that I have a very strong back ground in sales. You would think that he utilizes my talents considering I am very interested in his wine (I work for a Wine Importer).

I want to promote his wine in the City considering they can’t be found out there and they have such catchy, funky names but instead of taking advantage of me wanting to work harder for him; he would rather brush me off.

I guess it’s for the best anyway because I know me I would devote all my time and energy to making money for him and Promoting his produce I would forget all about my writing.

It’s just that I hate living hand to mouth and my daughter’s father is no help. And I know why he so cheap…it’s because he knows that I don’t have the money to take him back to court. And I am not going to waste my time with a court appointed lawyer because he has one of those $400.00 and hour lawyer who will just eat up my lawyer.

You know when you think about it how does our government help us single mothers living in New York. Oh ya sure their welfare and food stamps and shit like but what if you’re a mom like me who doesn’t want to go on government assistance. I mean really why would you want to when you go into there offices they are usually in horrible neighborhoods and the people that work there are rude and very unhelpful. Not to mention a person has to take off from their job in order to spend the whole day there.

No thank you I would rather figure out how to make more money with my writing and leave the government assistance for those who really need it.

Oh Well That’s Just Me.

Thursday, December 09, 2004


They always give the advise to writers and that write what you know. And as I sit here watching War of the Roses I know that I am woman that is pretty much raising her daughter on her own that is if you want to call the selfish man that wants to be in my a life a supportive.

I know that I cannot really rely on my family.
I know that I love my daughter and want nothing but the best for her…for us.
I know that I miss having fun with life.
I know that I miss sex.
I know I love writing.
I know I love writing about sex even more.
I know that this movie reminds me of me and the man that wants to be my boyfriend.
I know I miss me.
I know I am tired of living hand to mouth.

My goal is finish a story and start writing little articles here and there. I never said that I wanted to get rich but I would love to make a living off my writing. And I know I am meant to do that. I know this is my calling.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

I can just SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is it about me that makes me going back for more rejection from my family…why do waste my time? I make plans with my family (or at least try to) and my daughter fun things but it like I have to beg. Well not anymore.

They run off on there cruises and trips to Florida and we have to except the fact that they do it mostly around the holidays why shouldn’t I think it be a nice idea that next year we save and take my daughter to Florida to Disney Land I mean shit they go to Florida every year anyway but of course the first answer is “NO”. And then comes the excuses “Oh your father doesn’t like going to that part of Florida.”

Give me a fucken break. He can’t do something just make his only granddaughter happy?????

It is always that way with her father too. We make plans and then he breaks them because he doesn’t have the money. Or worse he can’t save for it because what he needs his money for is much more important to him.

So again why do I bother? Why do I waste my time? I waste my time because of my lack of funds that’s what makes me so needy. And I am going to do something about that.

I have read time and time again in about a million of the writing how to books “that if all you can do as soon as you wake up and throughout the day is think of writing… then you are a writer.”

Well, I’m thirty years old now and it time that I stop saying that I am writer and start making money from it.

I have realized over the years that my family and pretty much every man never really believed in my writing. As a matter of fact most men have been jealous of my writing.

I have to start doing what is right for my daughter and me and just say to hell with those (including my family) who can’t make time for my little girl and me.

Because there is nothing more I want then to fill people’s imaginations with my stories.

They say that you should write what you know and I have been doing nothing but thinking about what I know. So what do I know? I know that my daughter’s father is a loser and loves to try and make beg. He never has time for his daughter and me and the only time he has for me is late at night way after our daughter is a fast a sleep or when she not home and by the time he shows up it’s way past midnight and then who wants to be bothered. I don’t know where he’s been…I know that.
I know that my family are a bunch of phonies and stay only thinking about themselves…it doesn’t matter if my daughter is the only child in our family and to be honest they don’t even know when they will be another one…that’s what I know.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

There's More To ME

I started this because I strongly believe that I have something to say and I hope that everyone who reads about my life will find it interesting, life changing as well as funny.

There are 5 topics that I usually talk about a lot and they are follows:

1. My family
2. My Job
3. My daughter’s father
4. My heartache
5. SEX (This is my favorite)
And they are all from the point of view from a “Head Strong Latin Woman”.

So sit back and enjoy my life and please feel free to comment.

Renascence Woman

I considered myself a Renascence Woman; a woman of many talents. I believe it to be true because every time I read one of my horoscopes it always says, “Move, start that business venture and write that novel you can get it done.” I don’t remember my horoscope ever saying that before… It’s most likely because I wanted to do something for all the wrong reasons; yes I’ll admit it there was a time that my reasons for wanting things was to stick it to someone and then nothing good happened for me… But now I really I don’t care what anyone thinks I believe in me.

I know that’s pretty cocky for me to say but I have spent so much time worrying about everyone thinks and never caring what I thought or I knew or what I believe. Why do I have to do things the way others tell me I should; just because that is what other are use to doesn’t mean that is what is right for all.

There things about me that I knew before they even happen. One was that I knew that is would have a little girl and only a little and that I would never get married. The other thing that I knew was that I would be a writer and no matter how my family or any of my boyfriends did not back me up I kept on believing in my dream of being a writer. I never gave up on that dream because to me it was always real enough for me to touch. I never believed that I couldn’t do it. I always knew I meant to create worlds and people.

I guess that why I am writing this because I want other women out there to know that it doesn’t matter what any one says you can do what ever you heart desires. Life is what we make it so all we have to do is start drawing the picture (with pen!!!)

When I turned thirty I made a promise to myself that I was no longer going to apologize for me that I was just going to live my life the best way I know how. Because to be honest I trust myself an I know I would never do any wrong by me and my daughter; I trust myself and I know that is a hard thing for some people to say.

Monday, November 29, 2004

In The Beginning

There are so many things that I need to do that my mind goes crazy thinking about it. I can’t sleep at night because my mind won’t let me rest.
I need to quit smoking
I need to get my bills & my finances in order
I need to get my novel on its way. Maybe not finished but on its way.
I need to get my daughter ready for first grade & make myself in to best mother and role model I can be.
I need to make my apartment into a home for my daughter and me.
I need to get over expecting her father to help us.
I need to help for my daughter & myself to have a life that is little bit more comfortable for us.

And I need to get this all done for and by my 30th birthday. Not in any particular order but I know that I’ve given myself until the day after my birthday the (which is the 11th) to quit smoking; which in reality gives me around 120 days. The number is depressing because it feels like it tomorrow. As it is right now I am so broke so I paid my rent late and I still have no phone or cable in my house. I have the worse case of writer’ block and my laptop broke. I have so much shit all over the place and no money to buy the things that I need to get my stuff in order. Now you see why I am waiting until the day after my birthday to quit smoking.

My heart and my gut tells me that I can do it…but so many things get in my way it makes me want to scream. My plan is that I will get myself out of this so I want to through a small party for myself for my 30th; to celebrate my day all that I have accomplished. But like today my heart is heavy and mind is spinning. I know a lot of women who are not in relationships with a child’s father and the parent’s work together to provide a good life for their child. I don’t have that. I have a man who claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But how can I spend the rest of my life with a man that sees me struggling and does not offer to help me. I have fallen on hard times in my apartment before and I’ve only asked him for help once. But he acts like I beg him for money all the time. I know that if I had it and he needed it (which he has) I would help me.

As a woman I find it wrong to ask for help from your when it is so obvious that you need it; especially when my daughter is his daughter. He sometimes makes me feel like he’s not her father and just some guy I’m dating. So the why am I with him? I ask myself that everyday and the only answer that I can come up with is because I had to give him one more chance for my daughter’s sake and myself so that I wouldn’t ask myself later on in life “WHAT IF?”