2009 is shortly coming to an end I can’t help but look back on all that I have experienced.

This was the first year without the woman who helped me through everything and anything…who was there for me through it all. And it still hurts to know that she won’t be involved with the rest of my life.

I lost my job my only way of making $$$$ at the time.

I broke up with 3 friends that were just a negative force in my life:
Friend # 1. Was so negative about life about it was to painful to be there friend anymore. Nothing was good to them in life not to mention they couldn’t be happy for anyone around them so I had to break my ties they where weighing me down

Friend # 2 I had to let go of because she was they type of person that once she found love she forgot about the girl who was there for her from day 1. Every conversation was always about her and her needs and her troubles and by the time she was done there was no time for me. And when I needed her most she wasn’t there for me and then made it seem like it was my fault…so break up # 2

Friend #3 was a friend but he never looked for me it was a very one sided relationship so I don’t him too.


But for the 3 I lost I found a few old ones so that’s cool.

For most people they would be sad that they lost there job and so many friends but I don’t…I mean don’t get me wrong it hurt like hell but why dwell on what you can’t change what’s they point of that.

My sister dwells it does her no good it’s a waste of time.

So goodbye 2009 we had our time and now its over…
We had our good times and we’ve had our bad.
Our ups and downs
But I stayed to fight another day
You taught me something new everyday and I no matter whether it was wonderful, romantic, a nightmare or the most painful moment I love you for you every experience you gave me.

And I welcome you new friend 2010
Because I will take everything I learned from you my former companion 09 So that this new year and I will treat each other good.
We will try to be patient with each other and know that neither one of us can move time any faster then at the speed it must go.
So we will try and have some laughs and good times.


Ciao 2009

It takes a lot of Strength...

to be positive all the time...

On the map of another CROSSROAD

It is 1:30 in the morning and I am laying in bed pissed off at the man laying next to me.

And I am not pissed off the reasons that most would think...but why I am pissed off is the core of our reason for never truely being together.

Laying next to me the most selfish man I will ever know...
Does he love me? Yes he does with all his heart.
Does he want to spend the rest of his life with me? Yes he does.
But like I have always said sometimes LOVE just isn't enough.
Because if he loved me enough then why am I the only one out looking for work...true he is bring in $$$$ but why does it have to be his way there are other ways.

But then at least appreciate the fact that I am out there trying my hardest to find work that will coinside with his life. (Again something I hate trying to do... coninsiding with his lives.)

But to be honest it isn't just the job...it's the stupid little things...
Like never asking me if I am hungry or thursty when he gets something for himself.
Always acting like my money is helping...not ever a little.
And the always so quick to snap...
I am a happy person. I like being happy and giving happiness but when the people closest to me are being ASSHOLES I sometimes cant help myself my but get mean and nasty back. And he does that he goes HOT to Cold in like 2 secs...makes me nuts.

I feel like I am at a cross roads again. Having to make yet another life changing decison but the trick this time is will the guy I am with realise that we are standng at the same cross road together. Or will he think that he walking through life alone like most men do.

Men never relising they have a co-pilote.

Love is the greatest thing it makes the world go around GOD I know wouldn't know how to live my life without my daughter but my love for her is so different...there are things I would do for her that I would never in a million years think of doing for myself-just to survive but for her I wouldn't think twice.

So it has to be more then love...some thing deeper...something relationship are missing now a days because not for nothing there are couples (older...way older) who I have always questioned why they stayed together but they did and it has to be for then love.

Love sometimes isn't enough to be together.

Tis the Season

Well Christmas is less then a week away and I am still unemployed...the bills are piling up and I'm trying to see some kind of silver lining.

I don't know why I can't land a job that would be good for me and my little one. All the jobs that want me either want to pay me next to nothing or they want me to work crazy hour which would make me neglect my daughter's education. Now I know you must be thinking well what about her father. Well her doing homework with him is like when I use to work with my mother and it sucked ass. He doesn't have the patients for her (mostly because he is too self involved with his own personal crap to pay attention hence causing them to fight)

I really need an early X-mas Gift like a job!!!!!!!!

But you know what really burns my ass is that I get a phone call from my older sister calls me (the one who never needs my advice) doing her fake crying about how sad she about not being married not having a child.

I mean how sorry does she want me to feel for her. She has a great job, great credit, a car, a social life. (ok well i have one of those too just not as active cause of lack of $$$$)

How can I feel sorry for her? I am a single mother with no job & no husband give me a fucken break!!!!!

I know there is a reason for everything but God can you please give me a hint because this not working is starting to stress me out and when I get stressed its hard for me to write.

Cant sleep

I said it before I will say it again I look at this man and I sometimes wonder "What the hell goes through his mind?"

I have been up since 5:30am and usually I channel surf one of my favorite pass times (It helps me sleep) but today I couldn't do that...why? Because they shut off my cable.

Now here is were I question him...

He gets mad at me because the cable is $360 (2 months) & I still am not working...(Oh i could have been working by now but at a job where I would be coming home after 6:30pm and i would have to still to homework with the little one and cook-he can't have both-I'vealways said that)

Now for as long as I have been on unemployment (which is like 2 months) its comes once a week and not all that much (not like my pay check) So here is the question why get mad??? And if you have the $$$ why dont you pay it???

No he would rather take me to dinner or a movie...now dont get me wrong I love all that but not until our bills are paid....Hello!

All I know is that work needs to come my way soon because as soon as i start working Im lighting a fire under his ass to get a job as well.

I made it a point that if we were going to get back together I didn't want a repeat of our past & him not working is a repeat because I am already lying about what he's doing & how Im getting by.


Not to mention the slight bit of disappointment I am getting from his lack of enthusiasm of my new found love for passion...I mean crap do I always have to be the one that jumps him...I mean shit 2 months & I am the only one who is looking for work & I'm suppose to be always stay in mood...ha ha ha it's a wonder why I do what I do.

There are times I could KILL

There are some days that I look at the man that lives with me and think wow he can be so much fun…then there are days like today that I look at him and I want to take a largest frying pan I have a knock him the fuck out.

He can be funny, sweet and fun loving one minute and then just like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde he flips into a rude, selfish asshole.

He acts as in my being unemployed is a fun thing for me…trust is no picnic-I mean don’t get me wrong at first I liked the little vacation from the but now it’s more the vacation from hell now.


When he acts like a dick (there is no other name for him when he acts outs out) then I have to act out cause I don’t I’ll kill him.

What is wrong with the world today?

I just came back from a meeting at my daughter’s school and am so disappointed in the school system…the teachers blame the board of Ed and to be honest some the blame can fall of them but not all of it. Now a days some teachers just don’t care anymore.

When I was a little girl I was diagnosed with a Learning Disability but back in the early 80’s most people were either considered MR (Mentally Retarded which I hate that word its just people who have a different way there mind works) or Lazy…my father opted for the latter.

So I was taken out of my Grammar school that I had been at since the first grade so in the fifth grade I was put in a public school. I had a teacher that actually took her time out to connect with her students and the things that confused us. In a nutshell she helped me to reprogram my brain so that I can take information in a way that I would learn it way that I would remember. And because she took the time out the work with me I always felt like that nothing could stop not even my learning disability. She was amazing!!!!!

But today I went to school to talk to them about my daughter’s testing scores and at the end of there meeting there only answer for them is to pawn my daughter off to another school to make her someone else’s problem.

I mean they were talking like she will never be able to go to college and she should just learn life skills to she can function in the world. They spoke to me about her having low self esteem my daughter lives with me what the fuck do they know about her esteem. These people who 1 sees her once a week another who sees her every other week. They want to put a label on her that is so not true about (and if she was what they think she is I wouldn’t care but to label her something she isn’t because they don’t want to deal with I won’t allow that).

So before I walked out pissed and so ready to fuck someone up (but I kept my cool) but I told them I was diagnoses with a learning disability and it never stopped me and I refuse to allow anyone to put labels on her to make there life a little simpler.
　

That's I can stand & I can't Stand no more

I am the type of person who can only take Oh so much...I am also the type of person who will try her hardest to bend over backward to help and please a person (the pleasing part I'm trying to change)



But when the holidays roll around it can be a huge weight on my shoulders...I have a sister who hates me (for reasons then other then I was born I have no clue why) and a family who just doesn't get me.



I spent 30 years of my life trying to please them and I can honestly say the last 5 years of my have been the best because they were mine...I turned 35 this year but for the past 5 years I have said to hell with rest of them and what they think. I starting thinking "Shit life is too short for me to make everyone else happy...considering know one is thinking of my happiness"



So this year or rather now towards the end of this year...I have decided to become a little selfish...I am concerned and worried about me (of course and my little girl she is an unconsciousness thought I am a conscience thought)

Secret Addition

Like a moth to the flame…
The saying is so cliché but true none the less…
It’s a pull -a power I can’t stop

He’s like an addition I can’t control…
Another fix-I need another hit-of you..
I always say never again…
But I do it...

Falling back into it-into you...

I once covered this addition this craving with the words of I love you
But as time has passed there was no love
Only a need…
To be touched by you
To be caressed by you
Desired by you...

It’s a high I can’t seem to get enough of.
And addiction I can’t beat
A need I don’t think I can live without...

I’m weak when I’m around you.
My body craves your touch when ever your around
And I quiver when I feel your lips on my body...

I know how wrong it is…
I know I should say no…
And never see you again…
I promise myself never again but it’s a pull-a power I can’t stop... 　
　
　
　

Flashing Back

There are some days that I wonder what life would have been like if things hadn’t turned out the way they had.
When I was a little girl and my parents started there family there thoughts were of raising there 3 daughters…3 daughters that’s what God gave them.
But then fate stepped in and dealt its hand and handed my parents 2 boys not a product of my parents love but a product of a love that they had for a very close family member gave them 2 boys.
So suddenly almost over night we became a family of 5 - 3 girls and 2 boys all of us close in age. And something else my parents didn’t realize was that at some point we were going to be teenagers at the same time. (Ha ha a cruel last minute punch line the Gods of fate failed to mention).
Now till this day I say my parents did the right thing even though my brothers took my parents love and never really appreciated it. Because of there situation with there mother (my aunt) my parents tried 3x’s harder to reassure them that they were loved and they were special (which like I said fell on deaf ears)
I wonder if my parents would have been more strict with me…
Would I have not been able to get away half the things I did in my teenage years…
How different would it would have been?
A friend of mine blogged the other day about fate and taking chances and not over thinking things.
Well I can honestly say that parents did that and it took a long time for understand that in there hearts they had no choose.
I do know that looking back at the chooses that my parents made yes it was good one it was selfless and extremely heart-felt and when they get to heaven my aunt will be there with open arms thanking them for all they tried to do for them. But in the end they can never get back the times they lost with me and my sisters.
　
　
　

Just Say NO!!!!

I am now 35 years old and I still have no desire to get married

There are somethings that I feel as husband and wife should be done and things that shouldn't be done.

What should be done...

1.) tell your partner you love them every day (even on the bad days I know it may seem hard that's when it counts the most)

2.) if one cooks the other should clean..I wash you dry

What you should never do...

Don't make your wife (or the woman you claim is your wife) walk to the store by herself ( and the closest store she would have to jump on a bus to get to) after 9:30pm because you are too selfish and lazy to drive. And then after she walks in leave in the car that you didn't want to use for her to go run out for yourself.

Yeah it's crap like that makes me say I am never getting married...when I have to do shit for myself when I am suppose to have a partner to help me out. I then start asking..."What the hell do I need you for?"

And that is a very dangerous question for me to be asking...

Flirting

So the more I research the topic of "Affairs" the more I see it popping its little head everywhere around me.

Today on the train I watched a man get on and where he got on at there were still plenty of seats for him to sit at...there was even that small one seater that flips opened and closed was available and that is a very rare thing on an NYC Train. So any way he decided to finally sit down he sat next to the girl sitting across from me.

I watched him as he struck up a conversation with the lovely lady. Now the shiny ring on her finger stood out for all to see especially him cause he was sitting right next to her but I also over hear her say to him in there conversation that she was married 7 years.

Now when they first started talking there was a small gap between them ( you know the normal gap we keep between us when we are sitting next to some we don't know) but the longer they talk the smaller the gap gets. Arms & thighs slightly brushing against each other and she begins to lean in closer to hear him better. He was speaking almost in a whisper-which I think he was doing it on purpose so that she would have lean in close to him. (Sneaky )

Now I can make out some of there conversation and I hear him asking her what she does for fun and where she hangs out.

Her stop was coming up (I could tell because she was getting her stuff together just like me) and JACKPOT I heard it...I heard him ask her for her number...now here it the true test what will she do?

A.) She could stick to the sorry I'm married and keep it moving...
B.) Or give him her number

So what does she do...Neither she took a very different route...option C

She told him that she couldn't give him her number because she was married BUT she did say she would talk his number. Now like any guy he was hesitant to give his number out of fear that she would never call.

But then came the cherry on the cake she told him where she was going to be hanging that night with her girls...this confirming them meeting again to continuing there flirting and maybe more.

Hmm lust is the air and it ain't even summer time.

You learn something new everyday

Today I was IMing with a friend on FB...I had been reading his blog and when I was done reading I couldn't help be feel his feeling of being lost & alone. I couldn't help but remember what it felt like to walk around with such a heavy feeling weighting on your shoulders. And I remembered all of that and the things I wrote when I was feeling that way and how much it helped me...how it made me stronger because of it.

Then I starting thinking about how I don't really blog anymore and how I had so many people who use to read me and email me and I stopped....

Well because of my slightly lost friend I am going to start writing it again.

This blog was all about how difficult life was for me and all the strength I needed to get through the day.

But this one will be about me in the sense of ~yeah things at times may get stressful and yes, things may be difficult from time to time and little hard to breath but this time I am going to write about how I get through it~ Life can kick the shit out of me but fuck it I'm just going to dust myself of and keep it moving and if I take anyone along for the ride again hang on for some fun.

Now all I got to do is figure out how to change my backgrounds to make originals ones ;-)

Happy Birthday To ME!!!!!

If 40 is the 20 and I just turned 35 does that make me 15...my libido is off the hook. Like a teenager I can’t get enough making out and petting…and holy crap if I get some hooky the I can’t get enough.
　
My world has hit rock bottom I have no idea how many times so I guess I am no longer afraid what’s next. My writing is like when I was a teenager I can get enough of it. My mind a wild world wind of information that is dying to come out.
I recently lost a what a thought was a very good friend but like in high school you get a little attention from a boy and you change everything about yourself. I did that and I hated everything about myself and it was so hard to get know ME again.
　
So who am I…
Why should you keep reading?…
　
Let me tell you a little about me and in the spirit of my sister’s rebirth party I will give 2 truths and 1 lie
You guess what’s a lie…
1. I am loved by many
2. My writing scares me sometimes
3. Love is a myth
　
With that said this is my video of the pump it and dance your ass of life is worth living and FUCK IT if you had bad day tomorrow is another day so live this one find a party or make your own.
　
Don’t say “What If”…say “What the Fuck”!!!!!
　
Just be you…what else do you have
　
　
　

Another day

On the Bus
As I stated yesterday reborn and a new out look on all I see. I some what cleared the air with my friend last night via IM. Yes call me chicken but I know my temper and I really wasn’t trying to bring that out cause via IM I was losing my temper badly I could imagine how much worse it would have been over the phone.
My Maride-novio (my Tita’s nick-name for my Man LOL which means half husband half boyfriend...she’s a pisser) he was a little happy that our friendship was on the rocks. To him she calls too much (which she does but like anyone if I can answer I answer if not I’ll get back to them later) and because in his warp little mind he swears she wants me…but to him everyone wants me so blah, blah. Which by the way I so don’t see that but that doesn’t matter because as I say ~
“its up to me and whether I cross over or cheat who cares who wants me just be pour I come home to you“.
So I told him last night we some what made up and of course he had to throw his two cents in about how I should be with her now with after everything and more blah, blah. I listened to all he had to say and at the end of his lecture I stood up made myself a cocktail looked him dead in his face and said ~
“I know how to handle my friendship…I hear what your saying but I’m not going to cut her out of my life completely. I do know that things are different now between her and I.”
Freaken Jealous Pee-pee swingers.
As for my daughter I am taking tomorrow off and I’m taking her to Play Land and we are going to have a picnic on the little beach (granted if it doesn’t rain I have to come up with a plan B just in case it rains).
Fuck that no one and I mean No (especially in my family) one is going to make my daughter feel like no one likes her or cares about her. Screw that I’d rather take her and move away then have her feel like that.
So this morning I woke up with a little bit of a heavy heart but I am looking at everything with fresh eyes and new look and the out look is Fuckem! Yes they can make me sad but I REFUSE to let them get me down.

Like a Phoenix I Too Shall Rise

~...from its ashes a new one is reborn~

With every broken heart a new ME is reborn!!!!!!!!

This morning's mind set:

I am still sad today but its not as bad as yesterday but again I haven’t opened my emails yet so the day still seems good. I am going to try and keep mind focused on me today for as long as I can. Someday are harder then other I’ve been hurt so much that now when my heart hurts I can feel an almost hollow echoing pain that throbs when even my heart breaks.
As much as love my friend and it pains me that this fight between her and I but I have been writing more. And I have been well (cause of this fight) I have been trying to focus more on me. Usually on a normal day she would be calling me like a 100 times a day and I would spend the day pretty much giving her advise but these past few days I can actually spend my day my way-its been nice. (I’ve missed her but its been nice)
Since she started dating Ben Frank her calls have been less and less like she will only call after he left for work and I hate calling her when he’s around because when he’s around he is always talking when we are trying to have a conversation. So I prefer to wait till he’s gone.
　
A thought just crossed my mind…when I started my blog like almost 5 year ago I made a list of things I needed to do. I wonder how much of them have been done…I know I quit smoking, and except for my blog and having a quote in Latina Magazine oh yeah and the article I wrote for a very small Bronx paper…well I guess I am a published author but I haven’t finished my novel yet but I do have to admit the writer’s block has somewhat lifted.
I have heard that writer’s soul must suffer for the words to be felt maybe that why I have been given the life I have…a constant sense of material.
But I will say this I will do everything in my power to not let my daughter go through as much heart ache as I have. I regret nothing however I would rather pass along my knowledge to my daughter though words and not shared experiences.
　
　
I have always believed that everything in life happens for a reason and this fight happened so that I can start blogging again. Which I am very happy about I have missed it. I guess it took pain to bring me back.
　
At the end of the day:

The amount of times I have had my heart broken its amazing I still have one and that I am still positive and shhh don’t tell my sisters and I still believe in love and happily ever after (but I’m no fool I know you godda work for it). With that said…
I don’t think I can handle my daughter getting her heart broken. I mean I know that it will happen with boys and friends but (I’m going to be really honest because well I can my fam & friends my don’t give a shit about my writing-which I am starting to get use to that…I am starting to understand it gives me some freedom)…back to my daughter…
I can understand and can handle heart ache and pain it’s bound to happen with outsides but for her to feel the way my family made me feel growing up-well I swear I could go to jail for them breaking her heart.
I make these comments because for some strange odd ball reason my daughter is always trying to hang out with my family. Now when I say family I don’t mean distant I mean like my parents, my sisters my cousin who was pretty much raised with me and my sisters. She is always looking for them asking them to sleep over so she can hang out with them spend time with them. And they blow her off…she’ll try and make plans and then when the day gets close they either don’t return her call or they make up excuses to cancel. And she cries and I just want to kill them.
I try to avoid her from calling them but she’s 10 so she calls them when I am at work-before I use to be able to make something up but now she’s getting the disappointment first hand. And I swear it makes me want to kick the shit out of them.
With everything that has happen between me and my girlfriend I don’t think I can handle my daughter feeling any of my pain. But I know I will

Miracles & Blessings

Broken hearted

For as long as I can remember I have always felt like once I give my all-once…I give my all & I make people as happy as they can be that I show them that life has so much to give and life is here to make you feel alive they are done with me. They throw me away like. They no longer need me or find use to be around me.
My heart is breaking again and to be honest I am actually shocked that it can break anymore. I didn’t think it could break anymore.