A walk can take you on a journey

So I know that I haven't posted "Put Up or Shut Up" yet and there is a reason for that...I have to do the same thing. I have been living this double life for over a year even though I put my foot down a few months ago. So a few days ago because I hold sooooo much inside of me I had a panic attack. It was so bad that 911 was almost called. Now I have never really had 1 except for 1 almost 10 years ago but I didn't realize it at the time.
So now days later I'm sitting in my nook Blackberry in hand sending this out because I realized something-my panic attack had to do with trust. I panicked that I just may trust his bullshit again & let me tell you something ladies & gentlemen he is blowing some major smoke up my ass and whether he means it-if he is truly sincere about all the things he is saying it's a shame because all I see is smoke.
I don't trust him anymore not matter how much love is there I don't trust him to have my back not the way I have had his.
Being his friend is killing me...as well as putting me on hold. Now I have never allowed any other man to do that to me why should allow it from him.

They say when you point a finger at someone you are actually point 3 back at yourself. And I saw this weekend that is very true. For the all blaming and pointing fingers I did at him the one I was mad at the most was me because I trusted him again...Me... no one else & I know my daughter is just as nice & forgiving as I am. And I know I shouldn't have forgiven Music man or WBD as many times as I did. But I did and I can't change that. I can only except, learn & move on.
And my panic attack was my fear that I would do it again...forgive when I know deep down inside. I shouldn't-forgive out of guilt & expected responsibility. When I know damn well that I am not that kind of woman...not anymore. I have always said that I would rather be with someone for all the right reasons then all the wrong reasons.
He says that I am his best friend...well of course I am why wouldn't I be. I have always been there for him...I have always had his back. I defended him to everyone but thinking back when has he ever had mine?
And when I threw my question at him...I really knew that I was just throwing it at myself. But when he answered my question finally "would you want our daughter with someone like you?" His answer (and remembering it now still makes my heartbeat painfully fast & makes my head hurt) "as long as he could put a roof over her head"
Well he ripped my heart out of my chest & handed it to me and I watched it turn to dust. Because he was tell me in so many words "hey lady we are soooo not on the same page."

And so for almost a week I lost myself in sadness but today on my walk listening to my music a thought crossed my mind and this was it:
"Do I want to be with a man who will always lose his appreciation for me & when it happens it will always kill me or would I rather be with men that appreciate me and if they lose it I honestly wouldn't care?"

And I say men and not caring about losing there appreciation because I never had many boyfriends & my friendboys well all though I cared deeply for them I never gave myself not completely so I moved on quickly. But WBH when he looks pasted me and doesn't see what he has standing in front of him it kills me. So why go through that...I have never had a problem with sleeping alone.
And I'm fine with never find someone to fully appreciate me & not love me for me. BUT to love me (even claim to love me) and not appreciate me I can't stand for that.
So I must put this to an end for my own sanity.
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

"Back Pain"

I never have to wondered were my back pains come from or were my lack of sleeping comes from either. They both come from stress. And for as long as I have been writing this blog...wait the reason why I started this blog was to release some of my stresses. And instead of me returning to what I know which is throwing myself into my blog like I use to. I simply can't find myself writing about this road. Although it feels very familiar but I feel different like a different traveler going down it.

And I'm not sure if the blog will help me... If it will be enough. There is a part of me because I know I'm going to experience a lot of the same heart aches from before and it should be shared for my sanity. There is another part of me that screams "YOU can't keep writing about the same bullshit anymore!"

And I've been thinking whats good for the goose is just as good for me. I wrote an entry that I am still editing titled "Put up or Shut up". (Editing: my own personal way of punishing myself lol) And all I can say is that my focus needs more focus. I mean who am I to say anything to anyone about there life choices when I feel like I'm not owning my life and I don't follow my own advise at time. And I'm still afraid of letting my words out to world.

So I feel this blog needs to find its end & it need to be a good one. Because there needs to be a new chapter a new story.

Be on the look out for "Put up or Shut up"
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

Wonder wonder where you are

Dearest Followers,

I have not forgotten about you and I am sorry I haven't been updating but to be honest I can not but the things that happen in my life in order.

I am trying as usual to make sense of all the things life & fate has thrown at me...which I have excepted with open arms...the god, the bad & the ugly.

I'm working on being strong...
More to come
I
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

We Learn Even From Th Bad

I know I have been MIA for a little while and that is because life stepped in and reminded me that I'm not the 1 behind the wheel.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine passed away at the very young age of 37...in a very freak accident. So between me & LB ending, my supposed BF trying to come back in my life and just simply being a bitch in the end & WBH I was feeling lost and very confused...I felt no purpose. But then 1 morning I up and was just tired of being sad and I started feeling like my old self again. But in doing that I started to realize something about me a question that has been stirring in the back of mind for as long as I can remember...
Now I know I am a Lover of Love BUT am I capable of being & staying in a committed relationship?
I mean my own family...my blood the people who are suppose to except you no matter want to try and change me & I won't change & I rebel all the time against them I'm a million times worse with a man.
I don't know what I'm going to do about the plan I set for my 36 bday because honestly I don't know if I want a relationship anymore...
But I can't help but wonder if I can live without love? Can I just be happy living in lust?
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

I'm still at a loss for words

There are days I want to scream out the world "WHAT THE FUCK ARE TRYING TO TELL ME?" But I can't because people will look at me strange.

Last night I treat my lil 1 & WBH out to dinner and while I'm standing in the door way lost in thought about nothing really-I get a tap on my shoulder and who should it be LB.

Why is I never ran into him before or when I'm alone or with my girls but the 2 times I do I'm with WBH.

So I did like I usually do...calm and cool like he is just anyone and he wasn't alone either but to be honest I barely looked at her. I was too busy being in awe...in awe at the fact the he said hello & when I turned around to try and do an introduction WBH wasn't there so there was need for it. I have other close calls as well.

Its strange...
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

Closure & finally feeling good about it

Hello loyal reads today’s entry is dedicated to a LB…I learned a lesson knowing him and I am not sure if I will get the opportunity to say this in person “I’m glad for having known you…thank you.” So the letter I would have written to him I put here.

Dear friend-you're my muse this morning...my blog which I have neglected for a minute is going to be about some the crap that has been running this mind of mine...first off let me allow me to say "Thank you.” Thank you for reminding me of the type of woman I really am." Before you met me I was like I told you in our 1st IM "I'm like a guy with big boobs." I just didn't care and I was letting my desire lead the way never letting my heart really get involved. I kept my heart & dreams to myself because honestly-trust is a very difficult thing for me.

But in meeting you I was reminded that I want to trust again but who I need to trust is myself & the choices I make and that’s what has been killing me. When I 1st met you I lumped you in with the rest of the men I knew or have come across but you were different you became a friend and it was nice. You & I want very different things out of life BUT you reminded me that I still "I WANT something".
These are the good things that ran through my mind the bad is how I have failed badly in past & I wonder if I even have the right to try again with a child at the age she is.

Since you've moved on I have hung with the girls & the my guy friends & I pulled out the little black book again but this time it really didn't want that empty life I have been living I wanted more. I want fun and laughter and cuddling and that mushy crap. LOL

Then my past came back to haunt me with promises of offer me ALMOST all things I want.

So I have been stuck wondering…do I keep living the way I have been for God knows how long pretty much disconnected?
My family has told me that in the past few months the bitch in me has defrosted a little & so pay I credit where it’s due...you were the 1st person who was nice to me just be nice and now I think I MIGHT (still working it though) to put myself out there again...for real.

So thank you...

And I do hope you meant it for us to be friends because good people are hard to come by these days you were always great to talk too and I always felt like you wanted what’s best for me.

Wish me luck & I send out to you Blessings and the BEST of wishes and I hope you find someone that sees how sweet & nice I think you are
I hope I get to give you my token of my appreciation in person & before your next concert you might want to wear it.

Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart

Working on Me

So I have been going through my own little bit of personal and emotional drama…that now looking back it’s my fault entirely and here is why. I haven’t gotten my heart involved with anyone in years. I usually look for the ungettable (another made up word of mine) and I stupidly did that with LB. When I had no business doing that. I mean my life with WBH is still up in the air I haven’t even taken care of that yet. SO what business do I have looking at someone that is suppose to be wonderful.

There is part of me that want to believe all the wonderful things he said to me because I am as wonderful as he said I am and I am the type of woman he said I am. But there is a part of that doesn’t want to believe it easier to hate someone and not be with them then it to not be with them and still feel good feelings about them.

And I also learned that no matter who I choose in my life my sis will not be happy for me. Her jealousy will always get the best of her. And talking to her about matter of the heart will NEVER help me.

I am better off following my gut…my gut told me to end when I started liking him and I listened to her BIG mistake…
And believe that someone out there will take as the woman I am terms and conditions included.

But it would be nice if he'd prove me wrong and still wants keep some kind of friendship with me...it would be very reassuring to be proven wrong that not all men are lying assholes...i guess only time will tell

Bouncing Back

That piece of my heart that was hurting is now hanging on for dear life...
I've come to the conclusion that maybe the heart doesn't break maybe it just freezes over-maybe it takes someone to thaw the freeze and if a person gets hurt again it just freezes over again and that little warm spot the started the thaw is what hurts...like a cut on your knee.

Life is too short to live in pain...that part of my heart still aches but I learned something from meeting him...and that is I deserve more...I deserve happiness and I deserve to be me...flaws and all...

I will be loved...
And I so far I take back wanting to hate...so far...

Just a Thought

I think something happens to a person after they have been let down 1 too many times. I think that is where I learned how not to trust. All the time I've been with WBD he has let me down time & time again.

As a matter of fact they all have but then I throw the question out there AGAIN "am I asking for too much"? And I have to say no...I mean I just want what I would want for my daughter...

An honest man
A loving man
A caring, kind man
One that will look at her with new eyes everyday
Someone who go out of his way to make sure she never worries
And to see her happy makes his heart swell and his body vibrate
Someone one will know her and know what will worry her what will freak her out...not what will piss her off because to be honest that has to happen in order to have GREAT make up sex...
He can finish her sentences & almost know her thoughts
But in the end someone who understands her.

This is what I want for me...
WBH claims he is that man but HELLO what are you doing with our life.

Why broken hearted?

I think because I do want all the things he wants love, commitment (no kids though) but I'm scared and my heart is broken because I want that not per say with him but I want it with someone I can trust...is there anyone out there I can trust?

My heart is soooo heavry because I honestly I don't know if what he said to me was all true all those wonderful things...did he mean them?

I guess I'll never know
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

I didn't know I care so much...lie yes I did

Its a sad thing when I lie to myself...I was really liking lover boy...the more I hung out with him the more I wanted to hang with him. I so loved the way he looked at me like I was the dish of ice cream and he was the spoon (I got that the Jane Austin book club movie i've always thought that was a great line). He made me feel brilliant & amazing. He looked at me the way I look at myself.

But it ended today and I am very sad my heart is so heavy right now I really liked him or rather maybe I like how he treated me.

But how will I know that something like that those feelings, those looks last forever, they didn't for my parents, my aunts, my sister or me for that fact... I gave my heart and trust to WBH and look where I am today...and I'm not even talking about the past I'm talking about present bullshit he's doing right now...(I'm sure he will see he is doing nothing wrong yet again)

How do I trust another man?
But again I know I deserve more?
He did show me how I want to be treated?

He showed me what I want in a relationship and what scares the shit out of me when it comes to them as well?

I don't think I can handle my heart breaking not completely not again?

But regardless I do know 1 thing for sure I sure as shit can't keep living like this with WBH.

Well 2 thing this is really hurting me
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

2 different places

I was chatting the other day with my GF Sharon (you'll see her labeled on some of my blog entries
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

Don't think I can...

I don't think I tell a man that I love them. I find those 3 little simple words can ruin a person's life. It changes everything or at least that's the case with me. Men seem to believe they own me after those words fall from lips. Not to mention I am usually the first 1 to say it and just once I would like it said to me first ( not that I would believe it but I might melt to hear it)

I've always been the 1st to show my feelings. I was the 1st 1 to tell Music Man that I loved him & WBH I told him I loved him and I proposed first too.

I'm going to be 36 years old and I'm afraid I will never hear it first but most importantly will I ever believe it....because you have to trust them to love them & I don't think I can do that. My heart is fragile I think a gust of wind can shatter it.

People swear I'm this woman made of solid rock but to be completely honest I'm not. But I put out this STRONG BITCH who takes nothing from anyone. But we know that's not true cuz I'm swallowing WBH shit right now.
One day a man will want me as much as I want me & will see in me what I see
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

4am thought

Awake again at 4:49am...laying in my living room with the dog & cat. And all I can think is "WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE ME FIRST" I got home & dinner was made (because I was out & I told him it was his turn to cook) After dinner I got comfortable took a shower so I was all fresh & clean. I put on a cute pair of panties & a t-shirt and went to go lay in bed. He chooses not to take notice and not to take a shower before bed & just go to sleep.
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

SHHHH a Secret About ME

My sisters believe that I don't want or need a man and to be honest that is so not true...but I don't want the men that are around me right now...I want a man that I WANT not one that I NEED...huge difference.

Last night showed me...or actually reminded me that this is my life and only I can change shit in my life and who is suppose to walk though life with me isn't going to solve my problems but rather enhance my life and will be bring out all the greater qualities of me...because he sees them in me and wants me to shine...

He will be a man that sees me cry and not want to fix the problem but just wants my tears to end.

And he won't want tears to end because they anger him or annoy him but because it kills him to see me cry. He would be the type of man with a heart of gold and would see me as his equal and won't make my accomplishments out to be less then what they are.

But I wonder if I am even capable of being with 1 man forever living happily ever after. I think that all the times my heart has been broken it made the part of me that trust fade away.

If I could I would love to make the perfect man to go with the perfect me...Strong, confident, sexy, powerful (meaning sensing & feeling ones own true power there potential) driven...someone that enhances my true me.

The perfect man...would see me cooking up a storm in the kitchen lost in the aromas I am creating and when I'm either stirring the food or washing dishes he sees a strap from dress fall off the shoulder & he can't resist but to come over and kiss my neck as he runs his hand over my body because he's happy I'm there for him.

And as I lay in bed night after night and wonder why he doesn't want to lay next to me. Why doesn't he hand want to wonder towards me I also wonder if it is like this in all relationships.
Does the interest-the PASSION always fade?

Or is it possible just even a little of that spark will remain even a little because I need that in a relationship. I need to feel desired that is very important to me or I'm asking for too much?

But in a nut shell I do want a man but I want one that appreciates the sexy woman i am, that's cooking his meal, washing his cloths that just appreciates me for me and doesn't want to to change me.

A man that thinks of me and puts me first and loves to make me happy and my tears are his weakness because it pains him to just to see 1 fall from eyes. He will understand that I'm only human and there are days I need time be to alone because he knows me getting to know myself better makes a better a person.

HA HA HA HA Maybe I am asking for too much?

Broken Hearted

I AM An ASSHOLE MAGNIT

I am soooooo mad...not just mad but hurt and as I type this I am trying to hold my tears back..

My sister wants to know why I don't want to get married...why so I can live disappointment everyday..

I honestly starting to believe I can't trust anyone....

I am hurt & it keeps happening WBH can't the best out there...oh God no..
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

Why does it amaze me?

It is now almost 1am and I am laying here in my bed with silent tears rolling down my face...because yet again I put my faith and I began to trust someone and they ended up being full of shit.

You know just when I think or start to look at ppl with an open heart I get an enormous amount of reminders that my original thought ppl and relationships is all the same...its worth crap and men talk soooooo much shit & they never mean what they say.

I plans with LB to go to club thing with my fam no big deal 2 drinks then we are gone and a night of sex...I was even working on a way to sleep over. I asked a week in advance and now what 2 days before he cancels and you know what my gut called it. I knew it deep down inside it wasn't gong to happen...I knew just like WBF, my bf and countless others that they would let me down when I need them.

Maybe there is no such thing as a reliable person...someone you can count on no matter what...someone who will pick up when you fall...maybe it is all just in the love songs, in the movies, in the novels because it can't live in the real world...

I love with all of me & I don't have to be in love with you to love but if I love you. You can ALWAYS count on me no matter what (even ex bf if God forbid something happened and she called I would be there....that's just me)

But I never get it in return and then I turn mean and cold ppl wonder why...

But here is my question say all the right things?
Why try and be right?
Why play with a person?

And as I lay here in the dark...clicking away on my blackberry at now 1am I lay here and see prime example #1 WBH he would never notice anything with & if he does he says "he doesn't care enough to pay attention". usually meaning me.

I'm still going to fam thing with a date because FUCK THEM...FUCK THEM ALL WHO CAN'T KEEP A PROMISE
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

Everyday I still get amazed

I would have to say that this weekend has suxed ass. Every plan I made was totally fucked and ruined....
Friday
Got dressed up see Sex in the City and half my party canceled and I didn't even get to see the movie. Silver lining...I looked fabulous...

Saturday
Well my ex bf was txting me from 7:30am...we were suppose to have a lunch date to if our friendship was worth saving but after 2 hours of insults and lies. Silver lining I lost 130 lbs of toxic mess..

Sunday
I went with friends to see an old Freestyle group but they never showed so left early. And it turns out WBH let my cat who is a house cat & when I let my dog out they go into it and of course I got in the middle and my hand got malled in the end by the cat. As a matter of fact me & dog got our ass kicked by the cat. And I got not 1 bit of sympathy from WBH as a matter of fact I got into a fight with him because he let the cat out & didn't care what happened to me.
And because I had no use of my hands for the past few days I've needed help getting dress & doing my hair & he'll huff & buff like its an inconvenience.

I mean serioursly what is the point of have a BF if he doesn't want to help you when you need him. I mean shit I still can't use my backyard because he hasn't mowed it yet. I mean shit he does nothing all day he can't keep my damn house looking nice.. And every time we get into a fight he always has to bring up the fact that he's paying the rent...well fuck that I pay bills too con ed, cable, food and anything that comes up. Its not like I get to keep my money or I use it all on me. I carry my weight around here.

Perfect example all the blood from hands is all over my front door & steps...right today is now wednesday & he can just walk in and out & have his friend and not care....so WHAT FUCK DO I NEED HIM FOR!!!!!!
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

Toxic PPL

OMG WTF...my supposed Gf who has be making & breaking plans had the fucken nerve to question my friendship...when she's been the 1 who has bee canceling all be cause I don't spend 50 hours on the phone.

And I learned something to this morning...I learned that ppl like The Music Man (an ex) and my supposed GF....they have so many insults about me but they can never answer the question "if so horrible then why have me in your life"....well I figured out the answer....

Because I make them feel better about themself. Well you know what I'm here to make them feel better about them self by putting me down...


Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

Weird World

Last night my mind was filled with thoughts...

1 being my mother we have such a strange relationship...good but not as good as a mother & daughter relationship should be. Maybe because at one point we crossed the line of mother & daughter and attempted to be friends. And well friendship is not something a mother & daughter should attempt.

And here is why...mothers will except, love & appreciate our children...no matter how mad we get at them... even disappointed that love & hope we have for them will always be there for our children it never goes away. And to a point that same love and exceptions for the child towards the mother is the same BUT since we are the adult-and we give guidance in this life there is always the possibility of us (the mom's) popping that bubble of MotherGreatness.

I don't want to be my daughter's friend. I'm satisfied with just being her knight in shining armor...:that's good enough for me.

My 2nd thought is of course is WBH. And I wonder if ALL men are like him & the rest of the jerk wods I've dated? There is a line from 1 of Pink's song and the quote I believe describes me to the T...
"I Do Not Trust So I Can NOT Love"
I have such a hard time trust men...because every time a put a little afford in them they turn around and show there true colors.
And the appreciation goes out the window.

I cook dinner every night, I wash is clothes, I keep the house & a million other things and WBH complains about cleaning up dog shit & feed the dog for me...what kind of crap is that. And today lil1 called she isn't feeling well now he's off (cuz he don't have a job lazy shit) but of course who is picking her up from school? ME why you may ask since I am the one at work. Because he has to go to the gym give me a break.
And now the business now he has all this money to advertise but what about when I was running it he didn't have a dime to spare.
3rd thought my supposed GF...she emailed, she came looking for me after our BIGGGG blow out and every time we have tried to get together she canceled I've available been available. And now she complaining as to why I don't call her (since we've been trying to get together) and I'm thinking...how the hell can she be bitchy about me not calling.

And you know what I'm not even mad...I should be but I'm not. WBH is partly my fault because I honestly wanted to believe that he found his way. What can I say I'm a sappy sucker.

I just want some peace.

1 last thought I am missing being single. I know anyday now WBH is going to start bitching about my new social life & you know what I don't care if he does bitch...all I care about is getting out debt
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

Part 2 of Good News

So when I got home yesterday just like I expected WBH had nothing for me...no champagne, no flowers-not a flower. JERK-OFF

Oh well I kind of expected it anyway. And this why I'm NOT dropping what I am doing (which is something all the time) to help try and help to start the business up again.

I'm not letting my dream fall to the side again.

The same goes for any so called friend I may have
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

I think I maybe too nice....

So my old BFF who I had the fight with...has been IMing me, emailing me & so on. So since forgiveness is something that is being shoved down my throat I figure...since I'm the VIRGO mother earth & all I would extend the olive branch. Not just once, not twice but 3 times and she hasn't met up with me yet. As a matter of fact she's even canceled on a few dates to hang with other ppl.

I didn't only do this with her but since my sis open the door to my pandora box from the past. I extended an olive branch to someone to be perfectly honest I was very happy never ever speaking to him again. But since my sis open the door & I was asked for forgiveness I actually took it to consideration. 2 mails & and no reply...

So I ask why bother looking for me if you don't want to have anything to do with me?
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

Good News

So today I got my signed contract from the ppl that want to buy some of my short stories....mom' s happy. Now I have to make a web page to help promote my stuff. I have waited my whole life to be signed. I got my foot in the door. And NO man did it for me as a matter of fact I've gotten very little support from the men in my life.

Which brought a thought to my forever wondering brain...since WBH opened my mail (yeah I hate that too) will he do anything to congratulate me?

It's for that reason I prefer to be single because it such a sad & disappointing thing when the person who is suppose to know you better then anyone in the world disregard the most important thing in your life.. But can I expect from him that's who he is...self involved..

Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

I don't trust so I can NOT love ~pink~

7:30amThat line is the complete truth of me. Haven't heard from LB in 2days so I'm playing hookie today & taking my sexual. Anger out on someone

3:56pm well my afternoon was as good as it could be with hubby but my mind was else were. For some reason when I have sex Wondering what LB was doing & why my messages were going through & why he wasn't answering. I don't like feeling this way.
4:30pm. Its like he can feel when I'm doubting him because right after I put that post up LB imed me & he did break his phone but here is the true question...should I believe him.? A part of me wants to and I don't know why.

8:53pm. Have you ever just wanted to kiss your man and go to call him over to make out. Well I did that with hubby& as usual I was told to wait.
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

Sometimes I wonder why I try

From this morning I had a gut feeling that my picnic with WBH was going to not what I was hoping for...

And now its 4am & I'm sitting my living room and I feel like crying....

From this morning he woke and 2minutes after he woke he was nasty.& rude. Then I pretty much had to walk him through creating the picnic. And then right before we my thing I call a dog pissed all over the floor now she's a pit & when she pees its a river annoying but there is no need to punch her in the leg. So of course I went off on him but I go on the picnic anyway. That goes well

But of course when we get home he has to start his shit...yes he pays the rent but I pay everything else & con ed is killing me. But of course he has to everything I do no big deal & even when I prove him wrong he still won't admit it.

I'm so sick of his shit & this has absolutely has nothing to do with my other life but I am tired of the one with him that's for sure & I was feeling frisky today too. W hat a freaken waste.
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

Check up from the Neck up

People wonder what makes the eye roam...why does some look else were?????

Well it can be as simple as some people (men cuz I am woman) ARE CLUELESS!!!!!!!

Wanna be hubby is home all day doing pretty much nothing...so there are times that I might feel a little bad about my other life so i try and made it up to him. but then again he opens that damn mouth of his and its like bursting a bubble.

So I planned for WBH & I have to a picnic in the city but due to situations beyound my control the city is out. SO I suggest somewhere near home then he says fine. I ask were am I meeting you at his bright ass answer

"At the house so you can pack the picnic"

Now how bright is he cuz if we were going to have it in the city how was I going to pack it?


CLUELESS!!!!!!!!

Friday

8:20am loVer boy is on his way to a great vacation and I'm glad that I was able to hang with him. And this morning as I got ready for work...I looked down on wanna-be-hubby as he laid there sleeping. & I wondered why he couldn't make me happy (besides the obvious) & how much I hate living 2 lives....and then he woke up. If you could see my face. I'm rolling my eyes....

I work all day when shit goes missing the its usually because HE put somewhere it doesn't belong but yet he gets mad me.

9:15am so maybe it was out of guilt or to throw him off my scent but I made a suggestion for some lil sweet afternoon outing...since I sent a nice part of my afternoon yesterday with lover boy. I figured having an afternoon with wanna be hubby was only right. And now I'm wondering why I even try with his crabby ass....oh yeah so I Can havea little of my life.
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

Ok so I have a major with a man or a woman who HAS to be up there partners ass. I enjoy my time alone...thinking, writing or what ever just being me. Wanna-be-hubby would be my panties if I let him. To be honest I miss when we lived separate lives. Because any man I dated I really didnt care about hurting there feelings.
Sent from my BlackBerry® by Boost Mobile

Insight into ME!!!!!

So I've really never figured out this whole blogging & blackberry but this is my 2nd traveling blogg...

Something personal about me I don't do well with the being vulnerable thing. I hate feeling needy or weak I am the type takes care of things. So when someone wants to take over I feel weak & I don't feel like me & I hate that. I spent so much of my life being weak the mere idea of it makes me sick...replying on mom, dad some man...not my cup of tea.

So when I found that my taxes weren't going to go the way I thought they might...I called my new friend (more about that in another post) because they are a financial advisor I figured I would call. And you know what he wanted to help or fix who knows but either which way I felt completely uncomfortable-weak but I still need the help & I don't want someone to just run and fix my problems because then I'll feel like I owe them & I think I hate that more.

So I have to find a middle ground where I still feel like I'm in control because what really matters in the end is that I get out of this thing with wanna be hubby without blood shed...


PS Welcome new Readers

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

One of my oldest and dearest girlfriends in the world use to always say to me “You should write the story of your life.” And my response is usually “My life would be perfect for a Spanish Novela” because there is never a dull moment.

I was started the good work my way to the bizarre and end with what really sucked.

A couple of days ago I asked ad on CL’s for a 7 diary keeper and my email was picked so I will be writing (for free which I don’t mind) but at least I will be published online and I heard from this woman on z100 that sometimes you have to work for free or cheap to get to were you want in life…to make your dreams some true. My first deadline is today…I’m pretty happy.

Then a few weeks ago I answered an ad for erotic fiction writers and when I never heard back from them I kind of gave up. But a few days ago I got and email saying they were still looking for writers and for me to send them a page and drum roll please THEY LOVED IT AND THEY EMAILED ME A CONTRACT!!!!!! So I am on cloud nine

Now the bizarre…I bought a Blackberry trying to keep up with my writing and blog so I figured I would should keep up with the times. But it turned out I couldn’t get the freaken thing unlocked. I was going to sell to get my $$$ back so I can get my money back but and here comes the bizarre part. I have a very rare kind of blackberry I have the kind that sprouts legs or wings and just walks out of my house. That’s right people my Blackberry that I never even got to use disappeared. And of course wanna be hubby says he has no idea how it left the house…suspicious isn’t it

So now here is the bad…as I have written lately how fed-up I have with wanna be hubby…what with the kid at the door, the leaving me last, the phone walking out of my house and then last night he got arrested for driving without a license. Now to most that may be nothing but when you have 21 suspensions and a felony probation drug change still hanging in the wind. Now I haven’t told him about the writing gigs I was contemplating last night. When I was stood up my so called wanna be friend for celebratory drinks and no one else was around I figured why not try and bury the hatchet but instead of dinner he ended up in jail.

Now at first I felt a little guilty since it me who wanted to go out to dinner but then I thought about it…it wasn’t me that gave the 21 suspensions & he is always driving around that way anyway. So my guilt went away.

And the worst is yet to come THE CHERRY ON THE CAKE I CALL LIFE while in the car with 3 cops flashing there lights in my face…which to be honest I wasn’t worried since they were all men and they usually mess with him and leave me alone but while standing there HUMILIATED another cop car pulls up with 2 women cops and I was about to frisked. But I guess the more I bitched about what an AssHole wanna be hubby is the more the felt sorry for me.

In the end I ended up celebrating that way I should have in the beginning...with my little 1 home, alone (no man), my favorite salad, a glass of wine & a joint.

If there is 1 thing about me that people close to know it is that I am not big on forgiving because I never forget & I never forget because I write almost everything in a journal or now I blog it.

So my older sis open a door that to be honest I was very happy it was closed....Damn FB LOL. I have an ex that I can't stand because to be honest he only dated me to get to my sis & he caused a huge mess not to mention I was 16 & he was 19 so I was pretty heartbroken.

So now 20 years later because I will be 36 this year she goes looking for him with MY FB account so of course now he wants me to be his friend & I'm like WTF & Why the FUCK!!!!

So today we actually spoke because of comment I made on a mutual friends page & he was begging me to friend him and forgive him. So after a few emails back an forth I called him (Blocked my # of course)cuz I felt hey you want to talk to me sooooo bad then fine you will get the BITCH then. So I let him have it & it felt pretty good too HE HE HE HE.

So later today I get a comment back from the mutual friend for me to forgive the ex-jerk...he's found God...he's a changed man. And I'm like so freaken what that doesn't change the fact that he was an asshole. But after a few back & forths with the mutual friend I said I would think about it. CRAP!!!!!

Relationships Yay or Nay

So I was chatting with my older & young sis today on the Phone about pretty much the same topic. Which is why I don’t like nor want a relationship. Now my definition of a relationship is someone that family and friends know about. Someone who time yes can work you last nerve but in the end you still want to be with them and there is no one else in the world who gets you. And doesn’t want to change and they don’t always put themselves first….so as you can see I do not have one of those.

Now here is my problem with relationships (for the woman)

1. We end up giving up a part of our self for the relationship…whether it be going out with friends, little bad habits that honestly we don’t mind but your partner can’t stand

2. Life is no long about “You or just plain old Me” now its about “Us & We”

3. Being taken for granted…it happens we tend to say “yeah they will always be there.” and BAM she stops shaving he stops showering etc LOL…you know it happens

But think the biggest reason I am the way I am is because…I’m not done with me yet…there is still a lot of me that still needs work and right now I can’t be worrying about someone else’s dreams and putting mine on hold again.

Wake & Bake

There are certain things about me that as a BF or rather wanna be hubby you should know…things that I like and I expect. And to be honest I don’t think that I am asking a lot. I have a lot of GFs that ask for a lot more from there men. I try and do the 50/50 thing but it never works for me.

I gave up smoking cigarettes almost 4 years ago don’t get me wrong when I go out with my GFs I sometimes sneak a cigarette with the girls (and I don’t go out all that often) but there is 1 thing about me that I will not change (or at least I’m not ready to give it up) I have to have my morning joint. Now the word there is joint…not blunt, not bong hit…joint!!!!!

Now wanna be hubby looooooves to claim that we have been together 13 years. When in all realitywe broke up 3 times and we both had 2 not 1 but 2 separate apts and not to mention he was engaged to another woman but he still says 13 years…what the fuck ever…I hate that….

But if you want to talk shit then you should know the little things about me that would piss me the fuck off and turn me the fuck off to you. But no not him he is still very much clueless. So this morning I was looking for the paper so I can roll my morning joint and not only could I not find it (2 packs of easy wider) but when I wake him up to ask him were it is (cuz he was the last to roll) he get pissed off.

Now people if he worked and had to get to a job to get to then yes he has every right to get pissed off but since his ass doesn’t get up until 11 sometimes 12pm fuck that not to mention I have to take OUR daughter to school every day on the bus and he doesn’t even offer to let me sleep a little later or if I’m not feeling well like the other day I twisted my ankle and I couldn’t get up on Monday and what does he say “just leave her home I’m too tired I can’t take her.” Are you fucken kidding me…For real.

I mean I can sit in my office all day and never hear from him not even a hello txt...if I don't contact him I will never hear from. What kind of crap if that? I mean in this day & age of Blackberries, Txting, IMing how can I not get even a hello?

I have to admit it saddens me that my mind & heart are…rethinking my relationship…but honestly can you call I that?

Day 2 of experiment and nothing again

Experiment

I conducted an experiment last night and to be honest I already the answer-the outcome. I just got over my monthly pain in the ass. And I have been attacking wanna be hubby since my 35th b-day. And I have laid in bed for 2 days in cute little girl boxers and a tank top and nothing not a look not touch.

I know he is breaking his ass to try and get the rent paid but honestly is all the time away really about paying the rent or is he getting tired of being around me. Ad to be honest I don’t think it would really bother me. I lived without him before and can do it again but then why hand on…why so that no one else can have me…isn’t that a little selfish.

So why am I hanging on if I am feeling this vibe from…well wanna be hubby can be a little stalkerish (yes I made up a new word just call me Webster)My mind and my part of my heart is telling me to figure out a way to tell him. I think things are not working…even with me attacking him all the time. I’m trying but I really don’t think I’ the commitment type not now…maybe never.

But I know him he will lose his mind and the ugly little stalker will pop his little head out. And I hate that guy.

He wants me to jump and help him his new business venture but when I was working on mine (Still am by the way)he never had time for me (he still has no time for me...well except at midnight)

Birthdays & Families

Good morning & new readers...today is one those family function days...a birthday party that I some how got roped into planning. And to be honest I am not all that sure she even appreciates that I am doing this. But I will do it with a big smile on my face a mimosa in my hand and looking fabulous.

I mean what is the point of me getting upset at my sis even when she is mean to me my parents will always "Oh just ignore her. She's not as strong as you are." Aden to a point that is true BUT I still do have feelings inside the cold strong woman they think I am.

They think this of me I a lot more then I should sometime "FUCK IT!!!! I play by my rules." Shit I'm going to be 36 this year & it's time I do what makes me happy.

I maybe returning tonight with another entry depending on this day goes lol.

(middle of Chapter 9)

To My Followers

To my blogger followers,

I want to thank you for following my page and if you ever have any questions please feel free to post your comment I try and answer them all.

Thank you again...its because of you guys I keep writing

Sometimes it has to be about ME!!!!!!!!

If a person has been through there share of drama and crap is it safe to say they should be able to see the warning signs of a storm to come?

I ask this because Mr. Wanna-be-BF to is asking somewhat they he use to before. Lazy about get work and always looking for the easy way out of everything…what friend can help out or hook him up? I do everything in power to get that I get for me on my own. But with him he has no problem not doing that. I kind of find it a turn off. Another thing that turns me off about him…if I don’t call or txt him I will never hear from him unless I do it first. Which sucks…why do men get so comfortable so quickly? And once they do the romance goes right out the window and in comes the taking for granted.

And people wonder why I don’t believe in marriage…I have 1 kid I need a BIG Baby on top of that!!!!!

And my ex friend the one I wrote about last year has been IMing trying to get back in my good graces. Now I’m the type of person that I can stay mad but I have learned that I cannot be anyone’s door mate. I gave so much of free time and my mind to her and her needs I neglected me and things important to me. I wasn’t writing as much as I use to because I gave her all my time.

I am going to be 36 this year and I am taking my selfishness with me on my Birthday because I am tired of doing & worrying for everyone else and never having the time for me.

Opinions Are Like Assholes...

It’s funny how even the people closest to you don’t know you.

Yesterday I was with my dad (we aren’t that close even though we have a lot in common) I use to try and have dinner with him & my mom once a week but being around him was sooooo stressful. He is the type of man that always has an opinion about everything and everyone. And this happens because he is miserable with his life so he feels the need to try a run everyone else’s. Now I have my opinions but I keep them to myself unless I am asked and in the end I always want a person to do what they think is best for them because in the end we are all going to just what we want because that’s how God made us…what with free will and all.
So yesterday he decided to lecture me about my dog...I have a very friendly but very dog aggressive Pitbull. So she got out the other day because my front gate broke due to all the rain we had. And she nothing like Rachel Ray’s dog always biting people. But she does bark up a storm and she didn’t even get far just around the corner. So what’s my dad’s opinion “Get rid of your dog…”

Now if it had 2 or 3 years ago I would have told him but I just let it slide off my back. I try very hard not to get mad at people who:
A: don’t look for me or my daughter
B. don’t call me
And that is my father the man swears he knows everything when he never I mean never looks for me.

What I am Reading Right Now

Very Intertesting!!!!

I Love ME

When I was younger the decisions I made in life I made to make everyone else happy…to please them. To make them feel comfortable and I have learned along the way that the only person I made happy was them never me.

Now that I am in my 30’s I do what makes me happy of course I make sure I never hurt anyone along the way but in the end I do what I want when I want.

It bothers me still that the woman who was suppose to be my best friend…who said I was closer to her then her own sisters how when the friendship came to end – in the end it didn’t faze her. She gave more of a shit about some dumb fucker that screwed (literality) and left her. The guy only called her when he wanted ass and she would put ads for him Craig’s list she would obsess about him for weeks months to just open herself (legs) up to him.

But me who was her shoulder to cry for almost everything traumatic in her life she could careless that I am no longer in her life

And then there is my sister (older) it is taking all my willpower not to call her or email her and tell her off. A few months ago she called me talking all this crap about how her and I were so close growing up or as she put thick as thieves. Well as far as my memory and my mothers were nothing like that. As a matter of fact in our teenage days she did everything in her power to get away from me. And now she wants to be my buddy.
Well buddies don’t get in contact to the other’s ex-boyfriend (who had a secret crush on them) to restart their friendship again.
And they sure as shit don’t talk about them behind their back to everyone who will listen.

I mean really with friends and family like them who needs enemies.

Synopsis

~they say money is the root of all evil but is the Love of Money the true root~
She took the Bronx by storm in the 80’s. She had the most deadly and notorious crew known in the Bronx. The newspapers nicked named them the “Jessie James Gang” since robbery and murder was there taste and they were good at it. Know one was safe and they feared know one.


JESSICA - from a lost and lonely little girl to the stone-cold woman she grew into. She never shedding a tear even when she lost it all-rage is the only emotion she can relate to. Jessica Montes grabbed the Bronx by the balls with an iron grip. With no love in her life money and murder became her passion. Ruthless and very cunning a deadly combination but wrapped inside of a heart-stopping beauty made it lethal. Her long dark thick hair caught the attention of many men. But it’s been said if you caught the attention of her sharp piercing hazel-green eyes you would either end up lost in love, destitute or worse dead. With that much power it was only a matter of time before she stepped on the wrong toes.
Facing federal indictment charges Jessica reluctantly flees to another country. Leaving all that she knows and loves behind. Leaving with one goal in mind she must find the evidence that can put her away forever.
CESAR - lost his love 12 years ago…he wished he would have died that fateful night along with her. Instead he lived with the pain of losing his beloved. So he turned himself over to the FBI as an informant and turned on those who killed his Jessica the love of his life. To find out that she never died now he’ll stop at nothing to get her back.
Hector aka “Trigger” – known for his shoot first and ask questions later personality but better know as Jessica’s enforcer. They met when Jessica was a young teenage girl.-he saw himself in her. Both too smart for their own good. But when the shit hits the fan and they go their separate ways-Hector forgets about the“Trigger” he left behind in New York when he falls in love for the first time but is love enough to calm the beast within.
FBI Adam Ramsey – lost in his anger and the thirst for revenge he will stop at nothing to bring in Jessica and her crew dead or alive.
Leah – a small time Miami writer who falls in love with Hector (the man in hiding)…the man who owns his own small computer shop near South Beach. She gets caught up in a world wind of love and romance something she never felt like before but soon she ends up learning that the man she loves is a walking breathing Pulitzer Prize...one of the missing members of an infamous deadly gang.
What’s stronger Love, Money, Power or Revenge?

Happy Valentine's Day

I remember back in my teen days and in my early 20's valentine's day was a big deal for me. But now that I am in my 30's it really doesn't mean as much. Not that I have anything against the holiday but I'm satisfied with a night way from being Mommy, a nice bottle of wine, dinner (that I didn't have to cook)and a jacuzzi.

I think guys have it right valentine's day should be more about being intimate then about the gift or the type of flowers you get.

Because if you don't get the right gift or the right flowers then that will ruin the day.

Don't Pee On Me

I think the thing that really bothers me about getting married and being married is how in time someone in the relationship ends just taking the other for granted. Like because you wash the cloths in the house you’re expected to do it all the time. Well what about the partner why can’t they do it from time to time or if you wash they put away or dry or whatever…the point is help.
Everyone says that living with someone is nothing like being married…crap lets scare me out of it more. SO the fuck what if my bra fell on the floor if it fucken bothers you that much then pick it up for me. I mean really.
If there is one thing I truly hate is when any man I am with tries to pee on me (not literally ill gross). Like “I’m the man of this house.” Puffing their chests like peacocks. Especially when they shouldn’t be so proud.
I got us where we are today…I found our dream home…it was me that had to forgive him to make this work…it was me that helped him to get his first job…and it was me that got the $$$ for our dream place and me that held down 2 jobs for such a long time for our dream home. And I did all of that because I wanted to make a home, a family for us.
But now it’s as if we are on two different pages. I would love know how he thinks our relationship would survive us if we gave up our apartment. Because first of all my $$$ went into that house so that means no security for a new place which means I or actually me and my daughter would have to move in my parents (which I don’t see how that would work at all. And he would have to move back into his mother’s. I know that there would be no way we could stay together no not after losing my dream house the house my grandmother said she saw as my house and how perfect it was for me.
But he doesn’t see that he doesn’t see us ending if we had to move cause there is no way I’m living in the living room of his mother’s no fucken way. But he can’t see that and I’m sure he’ll blame everyone else for his misfortune then himself
What is about him? Is it just that he is my daughter’s father that I let him get away with so much.

Testing