Monday, December 27, 2004


There is something seriously wrong with today’s music.

We have women talking about their “Goodies” another one talking about how they need a “Soldier Boy” and it’s not even real Soldiers they are talking about thugs.

I mean really what kind of example are we showing our young girls today with role models like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie.

Maybe the wrong thing in that we are allowing letting our young girls look up to them in the first place. When we should be there role models..

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Experiencing Wendy

On my way home from work today I caught the end of Wendy Williams reading a letter from a 15 year old little girl who for the past three years she has been getting raped by her stepfather and now she's pregnant with this sick bastard’s child. This poor girl is worried about telling mother out of fear that her own mother would disown her.

The whole thing disgusted me and not because I don’t think things like that happen but because I hear of them happening all too often and usually now a days the mothers choose the men over there own child.

I watch my daughter tonight as she sleeps and it screams in my head “HOW CAN ANY WOMAN CHOOSE A MAN OVER THERE CHILD; THE ONLY PERSON THAT COULD EVER BE THAT CLOSE TO YOU.”

I am not the most religious person but I do know for a fact that God made us the givers of life for a reason and he didn’t give that responsibility...that power to men for a reason. No offense to them but they really couldn’t handle it.

I have had the same argument over and over with my family because they don’t believe that I will never allow another man to share my home besides my daughter’s father and now that we are not together but kind of together not even he can share my home. Call me over protective or just plan crazy but I am not willing to gamble with my daughte's innocence for a man. (Not that her father has ever done anything to her but I refuse to put her thought fighting and that’s what we do when we live together)

Before I kind of sort of got back together my daughter’s father I dated a few guys and the only way they lasted more than a week was if I never heard a word about meeting my daughter. My thing was they were dating me not my daughter she was mine & not to be shared.

Again call me strict and over-protective I really don’t care…I’m doing what I know is best for my daughter and I’ll fight lions and tigers to do it

I really thought about this…I honestly did and the only man that is allowed to around in my house freely is my cat and even he got his balls cut.

I know that my mind will forever stay with that girl. There will be nights that my mind will drift back to her and wonder “Is her soul still living?”…because honestly it’s so hard to live with something like that.

But I think; no I know that the one question that will forever haunt my mind will be how can any men or women do this to an innocent child? How can they take there trust away like that?...there innocence?


I have been working for my boss for the past... I don’t know three years now and he should knows from my resume that I have a very strong back ground in sales. You would think that he utilizes my talents considering I am very interested in his wine (I work for a Wine Importer).

I want to promote his wine in the City considering they can’t be found out there and they have such catchy, funky names but instead of taking advantage of me wanting to work harder for him; he would rather brush me off.

I guess it’s for the best anyway because I know me I would devote all my time and energy to making money for him and Promoting his produce I would forget all about my writing.

It’s just that I hate living hand to mouth and my daughter’s father is no help. And I know why he so cheap…it’s because he knows that I don’t have the money to take him back to court. And I am not going to waste my time with a court appointed lawyer because he has one of those $400.00 and hour lawyer who will just eat up my lawyer.

You know when you think about it how does our government help us single mothers living in New York. Oh ya sure their welfare and food stamps and shit like but what if you’re a mom like me who doesn’t want to go on government assistance. I mean really why would you want to when you go into there offices they are usually in horrible neighborhoods and the people that work there are rude and very unhelpful. Not to mention a person has to take off from their job in order to spend the whole day there.

No thank you I would rather figure out how to make more money with my writing and leave the government assistance for those who really need it.

Oh Well That’s Just Me.

Thursday, December 09, 2004


They always give the advise to writers and that write what you know. And as I sit here watching War of the Roses I know that I am woman that is pretty much raising her daughter on her own that is if you want to call the selfish man that wants to be in my a life a supportive.

I know that I cannot really rely on my family.
I know that I love my daughter and want nothing but the best for her…for us.
I know that I miss having fun with life.
I know that I miss sex.
I know I love writing.
I know I love writing about sex even more.
I know that this movie reminds me of me and the man that wants to be my boyfriend.
I know I miss me.
I know I am tired of living hand to mouth.

My goal is finish a story and start writing little articles here and there. I never said that I wanted to get rich but I would love to make a living off my writing. And I know I am meant to do that. I know this is my calling.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

I can just SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is it about me that makes me going back for more rejection from my family…why do waste my time? I make plans with my family (or at least try to) and my daughter fun things but it like I have to beg. Well not anymore.

They run off on there cruises and trips to Florida and we have to except the fact that they do it mostly around the holidays why shouldn’t I think it be a nice idea that next year we save and take my daughter to Florida to Disney Land I mean shit they go to Florida every year anyway but of course the first answer is “NO”. And then comes the excuses “Oh your father doesn’t like going to that part of Florida.”

Give me a fucken break. He can’t do something just make his only granddaughter happy?????

It is always that way with her father too. We make plans and then he breaks them because he doesn’t have the money. Or worse he can’t save for it because what he needs his money for is much more important to him.

So again why do I bother? Why do I waste my time? I waste my time because of my lack of funds that’s what makes me so needy. And I am going to do something about that.

I have read time and time again in about a million of the writing how to books “that if all you can do as soon as you wake up and throughout the day is think of writing… then you are a writer.”

Well, I’m thirty years old now and it time that I stop saying that I am writer and start making money from it.

I have realized over the years that my family and pretty much every man never really believed in my writing. As a matter of fact most men have been jealous of my writing.

I have to start doing what is right for my daughter and me and just say to hell with those (including my family) who can’t make time for my little girl and me.

Because there is nothing more I want then to fill people’s imaginations with my stories.

They say that you should write what you know and I have been doing nothing but thinking about what I know. So what do I know? I know that my daughter’s father is a loser and loves to try and make beg. He never has time for his daughter and me and the only time he has for me is late at night way after our daughter is a fast a sleep or when she not home and by the time he shows up it’s way past midnight and then who wants to be bothered. I don’t know where he’s been…I know that.
I know that my family are a bunch of phonies and stay only thinking about themselves…it doesn’t matter if my daughter is the only child in our family and to be honest they don’t even know when they will be another one…that’s what I know.