Wednesday, January 26, 2005

STOP QUESTIONING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well that’s it finally happened the little piece of shit laptop that I have been using finally died. And it’s ironic too because I came home today from having dinner him my daughter and the jerk (which by the way I had to pretty much talk him into doing why do I keep bothering). I came home thinking that maybe I shouldn’t be looking for another bartending job especially in a strip club. But that’s me questioning myself again when reality is smacking right on the face. I have to talk him into having dinner with us; come on that is so lame. He thinks that going grocery shopping is a waste of money he would rather buy shit everyday. Damn I am a mother that has to get our little girl ready everyday; I have to wash her clothing with no help from him except for quarters. And when she’s sick it’s me that loses the sleep. I do her homework with her everyday and study with her too. And I know that it’s a mother’s job to do all that and much, much more and I love it too but it’s his job too?

And it’s the fact that I have to always remind him that drives me crazy. And yet I keep questioning my decisions that makes no sense to me and I am the one that is doing it. I choose to work in strip clubs bartending for many reasons 1. is because the money is way better then regular clubs; know one tips in clubs and I’m staying up until 4am for 80 bucks no sorry. The 2nd reason is because I always felt much more safer leaving a strip club then a regular club the bouncer always waits with you. And the 3rd reason is when I get hit on there I am not taken off guard I handle it way better. For some reason I get all stupid like I care and I don’t need that.

I just need something for the weekend I need to not be around. I need to have more money on pocket because honestly it is not in my nature to be a beggar. He claims that all he wants is his family he wants us to be a family but how can I believe anything he says when he can see maybe if I need to buy panties or a new bra he stays silent and offers no assistances when he knows full well that all my money from my job goes to paying all my household bills and all he gives me is $150 a month for bills and $75 (when ever he remembers) for what he calls “Child Support” I call is it money for food shopping. So then what’s for me? I’ll tell you nothing.

A very good example of his self way wanting what he wants and never helping out to get it; he has always told me that he loves when my hair is red. I hate it cause it doesn’t last long on me and it turns orange which I hate. And he always claims he’ll pay to have my hair died red but when I go to ask him for the money I get 50 million excuses.

So again why do I bother worrying about him? Because I’m stupid that’s why!!!


I woke up this morning and it was on of those days…you know you just don’t want to be bothered and the last thing you want to is go to work or be responsible. It could be because it’s “Over the Hump Day” and that day always sucks cause the weekend can’t come any faster. Or it could be because it’s so cold out and that sucks because who wants to be outside in this kind of weather any way. It could also because I have no plans this weekend and I am tired of playing sick so that my ex doesn’t bombard with phone calls about going out.

He has to be the thickest man I know; he’s an all or nothing kind of guy. Either we’re together and things are fine (for him but I’m miserable) or we’re not together and then he makes my life a living hell with his macho “If I can’t have know one can” attitude.

I have learned that the last thing I need right now in my life is a boyfriend and that includes my ex. I haven’t made my mark yet in life and every time I get into a relationship I forget what I need to do and put all my time and energy on the guy.

I have an understanding with myself because I know that I have trust issues that I would have a boyfriend (that means a guy that meets the family or my daughter) until after she’s in college. My family thinks that I am crazy and that something like that is unreasonable. But to be honest I don’t think so. I watch the news everyday and I hear all these stories about things that happen to children; like just last week some guy shook his girl’s son so hard he died. No, No, No; that’s ok I don’t need a man home with me and my daughter no thank you. As it is now her school already knows that I am very over-protective with her; her father or I has to go with her on all her trips.

I know not all men are wacko’s but I am not will to take that chance with my daughter sorry; no thank you.Na, the last thing I need a boyfriend; what I need is a life!!!!!

Monday, January 24, 2005


There is nothing better than a really great wet dream!!!!
I had a dream on Saturday night that I woke up the next morning and I could still feel his hands touching me. It was amazing but the truly amazing thing is that I don’t remember any sex being involved. I remember his hands as he touched my shoulders and the tips of his fingers as they ran down my spin. I remember him whispering in my ear and feeling his warm breath on my neck.

I also remember some what; what this guy looked like and I have know idea who he was either. I didn’t know who he was ever in my dream. I remember walking down the street and I was waiting for a bus and there he was waiting too; we started talking and then he offered to buy me a drink and a local bar just around the corner. And I went too. (Now that is something I would never do just go out with a stranger from the street but I did with him)
I remember him standing close to me talking to me and I could feel his body heat radiating off him and on to me and I felt myself getting hot and wet in the dream and while I was sleeping.
My dream was so great that I woke up the next morning with a smile from ear to ear. Now if only that was real!!!!

Maybe my dream simply means that I am sexual frustrated! WOW what a shocker!!!! But I don’t really think it’s the sex I miss. I mean don’t get me wrong I love sex but I think the thing that I miss the most is the intimacy; hand roaming mouths exploring; the body heat that only two naked bodies can produce. That’s what I miss anyone can have sex it’s how you make the person feel before, after and during that matters!!!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005


There is nothing worse then a pathetic man!!!!

My ex wonders all time why I stopped having sex with him, why I don’t like to be close anymore, why I pulled away from him, why I know longer what him?

Well here is a really good example as to why I am the way that I am…yesterday I took the day off from work because my uncle passed away over the weekend so before the funeral I wanted to do some laundry. And of course I need my ex to watch my daughter and of course he choose to forget about me. When he finally does decided to show up I went about my business with out a care in the world because I know that what he wants is for me to get pissed and start an argument with him which I refuse to give him the satisfaction.

I realize after he leaves my house that my dresser looks a little odd (I may be a messy person but I can always tell when someone touches my shit.) Well, he stole my vibrator!!!! And in his rush to steal it with out getting caught he left his checkbook behind. So when I called him to inform him that he left his checkbook I also told him that I knew that he stole my vibrator; which he than assumed that I went looking for it because I want to use it at that moment.

Come on give me a break I was in the middle of doing laundry I’m not that horny to stop and pleasure myself in the middle of load. I’ll stop for sex but to play with myself. He’s just that stupid; he’s also so stupid that he had the nerve to tell me that I betrayed with my vibrator!!!

Of all the stupidest things…(NOTE HE BOUGHT ME THE DAMN THING FOR ME). In his imaginary world I must play with myself everyday all day.

So I simply told to him to keep it and have a good time with it!!!

The first time we broke up he accused me of having an affair in my mind because of a story that I wrote. (Damn I Must Be Good) And it wasn’t even something that I was trying to hiding from him but he just wasn’t interested in reading it when I gave it to him to read he only want to read it after he had to snooping for it.

I stopped having sex with my ex because the relationship has been and always will be one sided and instead of him looking at himself and asking himself if maybe I have a problem with him instead he finds fault and jealousy in every aspect of my life; My Jobs, My Writing, My Friends even the Books I read.
How can you find someone attractive or sexy if they can’t trust you or appreciate your interests?


Wednesday, January 12, 2005


Every day is a new day and with everyday something different happens. I just came back from visiting my uncle who has days to live in the hospital. It was hard to watch him like that; when I looked at him he didn’t look like the man I knew. And it wasn’t like I was all that close to him; I barely saw him but the memories that I did have were nice…of a smiling man an happy man but a lost man.

We think that we have more than a life time on this planet and all the time in the world to right the wrongs that haunt our minds at night. My uncle’s life was a tragedy but it was a tragedy that he created and unfortunately he couldn’t change it either.

I hope in the end that all of those who knew him and loved will see that his time here on earth wasn’t wasted even if he we all didn’t agree with his life chooses. He can at least go to heaven knowing that his purpose here was for to take something from his life and to learn from his life mistakes.

My aunt his sister prayed that when he dies that God will open the gates of heaven for him and all his sins will be forgiven. To be honest I believe that the gates will be wide open and all those he has lost along the way will be there waiting for himwith open arms.

All the reason why

He wonders and questions why I don’t want him…why our marriage ended? And I guess it’s the fact that he has to ask the question that drives me crazy. Before I ended things with him I tried my hardest to work things out I wanted to even go to counseling; anything to try and make things work. But making it work was only a one sided effort. Know matter what I begged for or what I pleaded for it fell on deaf ears.

And know matter how many tears I shed for him and the love that we lost…know matter how many times he’s broken my heart he will still always blame me.

Blame me for the fact the my mind wondered all those nights he left me alone.
Blame me for not excepting being chosen second best to the street.
And blame me for not finding him or his life glamorous.

I say this all the time; that the love I once had for him left my body the day I gave birth to our child…I say she took it all. She took all the unconditional love that I held in my heart for him. And I am glad she did too because in the six years that she has blessed me by being on this earth with me he has let her down and broken more promises to her than any grown woman has ever encountered. I have watched her eyes fill up with sadness but it’s that unconditional love that I spoke of earlier that as soon as she sees him the next time her heart is fixed and he’s the greatest daddy again. But I stay holding her pain and he still wonders why?

My family asks is there anyway that I can forgive him; reconcile? They said maybe he can change anything is possible???

So when I through caution to the wind to see if he was capable of change. I realized that he could change for a moment but for the long run he was still the same selfish man I knew before. The only thing that mattered to him was making him happy and fuck my writing. And it is for all the reason that I wrote before why I refuse to bother. And I will never again apologize for who I am again.

Monday, January 10, 2005


As 2004 gracefully exited and 2005 jumps in it's place I see that the world that revolves around my family I see has not changed...

My 2005 I believe will be well pretty exciting and I am meant to be on my toes and every time something out of the ordinary happens maybe a little dangerous the first thing out of there mouth is did you call your ex. The last time I checked ex means x'ed out. They all hate him but the first thing they ask for in time of need is him. They are all backwards... In 2005 I see they have not changed.