2006 IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER

I am actually pretty excited about the New Year I feel that nothing could be worse then the year I just had. After spending Christmas with my family I am glad that I am going to be spending the New Year alone with my daughter. So we will count down to the New Year together and maybe this time I won't be the on that has the ax fall on them.

On Christmas my mother and father were have problems so my mother was in a bad mood. So after all the gift giving my mother was ready to leave my sister's house. She e kept asking my Dad for the car keys but he was too busy talking to my aunt then she turned to me and asked me to help her with the packages but I was in a conversation myself and besides I knew why she wanted me to go outside with her she wanted to talk about my father she sometimes forgets that the man that she venting about is MY FATHER and sometimes I really don't want to hear it. So I told her that I would call my cousins to help (2 Big strong Men) and after I said the she yelled at me in front of the entire family telling me to go Fuck myself bitch! NICE RIGHT!!!

Now that's not the first time she has done that I got pissed and pretty much told her off. Which in turn sent my younger sister into a rage. And she started yelling at me too. Which my daughter witnessed and was very upset. So basically my mother ruined my Christmas but she won't ruin my New Year. I would rather spending alone with my daughter anyway.

And my mother still hasn't apologized yet she would just rather act like nothing happened.

And if I don't post anything until 2006 I just want to say to all my friends

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! MAY ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE IN 2006!!!!

SORRY I AM LATE

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL MY BLOG BUDDIES !!!!!!

I HOPE YOU ALL HAD GREAT X-MAS AND THAT SANTA BROUGHT YOU EVERYTHING YOU ASKED FOR.


LOTS OF LOVE

MY MIND IS SPINNING

And this what I meant the other day when I said "stress and worry are my wall that keeps the life that see in my dreams so clear and negative thoughts and wishes are the beams that keep it standing"

There is this part of me that feels like MR. JERK-OFF is home with his witch of a mother (I mean that literally not figuratively) sit there together sending negitve thoughts to me.

I PRAY FOR MORE STRENGTH BECAUSE I KNOW THEY SAY WHAT DOESN'T KILLYOU MAKES YOU STRONGER. I JUST WANT PEACE!!!!!!

I HAVE HAD IT

I am so tired of all the crap that I have to go through. And what’s my way of releasing any stress any frustration…well I have no way!!!! Not even my bed buddy is helpful because he can stress me out too.

I have no one in my life that I can go to and they help me forget about my pain and suffering. I have no one to help me to feel better.

I feel like today I am at my whit’s end.

This man can’t keep coming out of court with his hands clean and I am the only made to suffer and pay.

They say that good always beats evil – I am good when am I going to win.

I want to take my little one and just start over.

THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY

They say that everything in life happens for a reason...the good, the bad and the ugly. And behind them all there is a reason for it. All the heartache – all the suffering. And I guess the only thing we can do as humans is ask the question “WHY?” Why this lesson what am I suppose to learn from it.

Maybe my lesson is “GLUTTONY”.

THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS HERE

Now I hate to sound like a grump but to be honest with the exception of my daughter I really can’t the holiday season. And the reason for this is because of my family. I know that one of my sister’s (if not both) are going to say something to piss me off. How do I know this because they are both opinionated and swear they can say what ever they want to me; that’s how I know!

Here’s an example my younger sister and I were sitting in my mother’s house hanging out; I was killing time before I had to pick up my daughter of the JERK-OFF and my sister happens to mentions that if you walk at least 15 minutes a day you can add years to your life. So I say “Wow I guess I am going to live to be 105!” And what does the little bitch say “No not your kind of walking.”

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN MY KIND OF WALKING???

I WALK EVERYDAY 15 MINUTES FROM THE BUS STOP TO MY JOB &
15 MINUTES IN THE AFTERNOON BACK TO THE BUS STOP

15 MINUTES TO MY DAUGHTER’S SCHOOL (if it’s a nice day out)

I have never driven therefore everywhere I go is by heel toe transportation.

And my older sister is bringing her idiot husband that I honestly can’t stand. The man swears that he always right and I have to act like I like him. I can never show how I really feel.

I really hate the holidays. That is the one thing I hate about being single around this time I don’t have an ally. Oh Well.

I will be prepared for Thanksgiving I will role a fatty and have a nice stiff drink at home before I go so when I get there I will have nice buzz and I won’t hear half of what they say to me. I hope it’s nice out that day so I can take a walk if it rains I am stuck inside with them.

Well Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

PRIORITIES

Think, think, think...that's all I seem to do lately. But these past few days of thoughts that have been echoing in my mind have been good. I have been kind of beating myself up. Something I believe I need to do a little more often. And now I will blog it so that I will always see and be reminded.

There are things in my life that I should have already done in my life and yes I know with everything that I been going through of course it's easy to lose track but I am saying COME ON NOW!!! I know that I will always write about him because he will always be in my life and he will always do shit to piss me off but it's not my whole world it shouldn't be. (I'm talking about MR. JERK-OFF)

I have been lazy lately lost in a kind of depression I guess maybe because this whole situation can be very consuming and unless you want to be consumed it can get very draining.

And then the other night after I had some great sex with my bed buddy (yes he's improved lucky me but I had a lot to do with it) I thought to myself if I could find my sexual passion again (which was something I missed a lot) how hard could it be for me fulfill the rest of the things that I want. So my list of things that I need:

1.) and as stupid as this sounds I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE. Yes I am a 31 year old single mother living in New York who does know how to drive.

2.) I am on role with my novel but I did slow down for while a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have to leave from Wed-Fri for 2 hour 5:30-7:30 to take my little one to see MR. JERK-OFF so it kind of throws me off my game. But I am getting back on it.

3.) make a home for my little one and me

4.) get my mind, body and spirit in tune

Now I know that all that of that my sound pretty simple for some people but for me it's not that easy.

MISSING IN ACTION

My mind has running like crazy.

My blog buddy Jayce asked some time back what it's like to be a single mother living in New York City. Well I‘ll tell ya…it can sometimes suck really bad and be very stressful but mostly lonely.

It can sucks really bad because know one knows what you go through…know one can put themselves in your shoes even though everyone swears they know what you are going through. They sometimes can’t understand why your broke.

Stressfully because all of our days run into each other and there's never enough hours in the day for us. Money sometimes seems to be at times nonexistent. Stressful because everyone swears that they know how to raise your child better then you do.

Lonely because in the end a single mother’s day to day life can be a little overwhelming for the person in your life that has no children and can’t understand were the exhaustion comes from.

There are times when I close my eyes and see this vision of myself and another life it is so clear and it isn’t a life of riches beyond my wildest dreams or a man that completes me because to be honest I feel pretty whole. But of a life that is calm and some what peaceful for my little one & me.

I have this thought of my life "stress and worry are my wall that keeps the life that see in my dreams so clear and negative thoughts and wishes are the beams that keep it standing. But like any other wall I know that it can come down I just have to find the right tool to knock it down. And for me that is what is so discouraging."

I believe that I don’t win things like the lottery because things like that are for people who need a little luck handed to them and in my case I have always believed myself to be a pretty lucky person. I have been known to create my own luck at times.

All of these thoughts come from the fact that I have a house guest (and no it’s not MR. JERK-OFF I’d have to be crazy to do that) this time it’s family and well my house isn’t big enough and now I feel like I can’t breath. The purpose for this family member moving in was to help me with the rent notice I said “purpose” because to be honest it isn’t any helping.

I have to move out my apartment this April for a few reasons:
1.) The rent is going up in April and with out my child support I will never be able to pay it.

2.) I hate the fact that MR. JERK-OFF has such an easy way of watching me -keeping tabs

3.) To much negative – bad things have happened here I need a fresh start (AGAIN)

I just hate the fact that I just settled in.

A DAY IN THE LIFE A SINGLE MOM IN BRONX

As requested from my blog buddy Jaycei this a typical day in the Bronx.

Today was raining and I didn’t want to bother my drive me to drop my little one at school so we took the train; thank God it’s only one stop away. From there I walked to the bus that I catch to get to work. Of course I missed the one that I was suppose to be on 8:20am so I had to wait for the next one which comes at 8:50 and make me a half an hour late. I wouldn’t have been late except that my stupid bed-buddy gave me this card to get my Metro card and there was no money on it. I have to admit that it really helped last month to have the card and I really appreciated it but damn he could have told me that there wasn’t any money on it rather then letting me go and try. So I called him this morning and woke his ass up to find out what happened and what do I get “Oh I wasn’t sure.” IDIOT!!!!

I sent last night moving my room around it took me like 5 hours to do it but I did it all by myself. It felt good I mean shit I waited or my bed buddy and my cousin to help but there word is as good as fake money.

On Tuesday I took the day off from work which I really couldn’t afford to do it but I had to so that I could apply for food stamps. Not a fun day but I got it so now I do not have to worry about the JERK-OFF not giving me money for food.

I spent the rest of week after work home with my daughter doing our usual thing homework, reading, her playing, dinner, bath and then bed. During the week my life is pretty boring. I use to have a little bit of a social life before but since the money problem started I haven’t been able to go out. I miss going dancing.

Hey, Jaycei I’LL MAKE SURE I HAVE MONEY IF YOU COME BACK TO N.Y. : )

HOW DO YOU HANDLE….

I was having a conversation with my bed buddy about my life because I was telling about the three-hour speech I got from my dad on Thursday night. My dad has asked me the same question a few times; I guess he’s expecting me to have different answer. Anyway the question is “If God came down to me at this moment and said that my life was a mess and he is going to take me back in time to change things were would I want to go to?”

And my answer is will always be “When I was 8 ½ pregnant and I was ready to walk out on JERK-OFF at 3 am in the morning I would have.” I believe that he expects me to say I would change having my daughter but I could never say that or think that. Out of all the ugly bull shit that man has put me through and the all the lies he told me I would do all over again to have my little girl.

So my bed buddy said that if him and I hadn’t broken up we would have had our own child and I told him but it wouldn’t be her. I also told him that with the struggling I am going through right now there is no place I would rather be then were I am right now.

So on Friday I came to work and decided to play detective and in paying detective I found that JERK-OFF has been telling everyone that he if getting 5 years probation in that drug case but I called the court house and found that is a lie and his case is going to the GRAND JURY. And anyone that I have told that too says that is not a good sign. And to be honest I really hate being a bitch (even thought I am very good at it.) but he doesn’t respect the court papers I have to go to the police on Tuesday to file another complaint that he keeps dropping my daughter off late. It’s no longer my job to cover for this man.

He is suppose to be in court today for the assault case against him to show proof that he has been going to his anger management therapy which a lot of people say he hasn’t gone at all.
Let’s see but our court date to modify the visitation can’t come any faster.

THE MEN IN MY LIFE ARE ALL THE SAME

I almost went down the same path all over again. What the hell is wrong with me????

So my Bed Buddy has been helping me with a little he gave me his monthly Metro Card and buys me cigarettes (Yes, I have relapsed) and gives me a little money here and there.

So last night he had the nerve to say that me and his bitch, psycho ex girl friend and I have similarities. I told him that there was no way her and I have anything in common because his relationship with her was volatile because of her his and I was different because it was him that emotional and moody towards me and all I tried to do was be there for him. And he took advantage of me. But of course he says no and that’s how he feels and there is nothing I can say to change his mind. Which in turn I said the same because he wanted me to ask him what we had in common and I said no because I won’t agree with him and I don’t feel like arguing with him.

So then he starts his shit about how I just wait to be pissed at him and I am never happy with him. So I told him that was bullshit and to start his shit because I have been happy and just because I am pissed at that moment doesn’t mean I wait to be pissed at him. And then I hung up. DON’T COMPARE ME TO THAT PIECE OF SHIT EX GIRLFRIEND WHO FLIRTED WITH OTHER MEN AND CALLED THE COPS ON YOU AFTER SHE KICKED YOUR ASS!!!!! THEN CALLS YOU MONTHS LATER IN DRUNKED STUPER AND AFTER YOU TWO GET INTO AN ARGUMENT THEN CALLS THE COPS AGAIN AND SAYS YOU THREATED HER!!!!!

This is the same man that says that I am addicted to pot and when I say that I am not he will argue with me that I am. I pay my bills, my daughter doesn’t go hungry so I can buy pot, I go to work every day and my I don’t spent my days while I am at work think “Shit I can’t wait to go home and smoke.” I smoke in moderation. He really pisses me off.

Then yesterday I go to pick my daughter from school and find out that JERK-OFF went to school again. I have no idea what he is trying to do but it is really pissing me off.

THE MEN IN MY LIFE AT WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DESTRUCTION

I have been telling myself that through all destruction comes rebuliding a new world and new lives.

It's JERK-OFF's problem if he wants to stay stuck in the past but I know that there is nothing that I can do to change it so why should I dwell on it. I just want to feel as good as each day lets me.

Same Shit Different Day

I know that I haven’t updated my blog in a while but I have been so busy, crazy and honestly a little depressed but I am feeling better now.

Things with the JERK-OFF haven’t changed except for the fact that I made sure that he could pick up my daughter from school any more. I brought the paper work to the school so I took care of that. I had to go to court on the 12th and the JERK-OFF never showed up. So the court is issuing another summons for him I am not to sure what will happen when he doesn’t show up that time.

Friends of mine have seen him and told me that he looks like a bum and I tell them that’s because he is one. He refuses to get an apartment because then I can prove to the courts that he is getting money somehow. That’s ok because I have other plans for him in court.

And my dry spell is over I finally had sex for my birthday with an old friend. It was ok I just have a fear that he (my bed buddy) doesn’t start to read into things too much. I mean I was honest with him and told I am in no place for a relationship. And he claims to understand but who knows if he really does.

I still owe money on my rent $500.00 I know that I will come up the money some how I am going to try and cash in my daughter’s bonds (of course I replace them when I am on solid ground) I know that I am not going to get face value for them but if I can get at least ½ of what they are worth it will really help.

I am trying to get back on schedule with my plans but I have to because if I don’t it like letting him win; it’s like giving him the power and that is not happening.
I just hate being in a rut. But I have to keep telling myself that God only gives what I can handle which means I can handle this.

THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY WRONG

I am so tired of this man thinking that he has the right to do what ever he wants. It’s driving me crazy that my “lil” Angel is with him right now. Because I have no idea what he is filling her mind with. What kind of lies he's telling her now…and the fact the he tries to buy her really bothers me because what is he doing buying her love or silence?

I am not getting a good feeling when it comes to him and my daughter. I am beginning to get this really uncomfortable feeling…like eerie.

Am I over reacting?????

I don’t think so…I should follow my gut and my gut is telling me to protect my daughter from him!!!!!!

A NEW LAW NEEDS TO BE PASSED

CHECK OUT THIS PETITION

http://www.PetitionOnline.com/SM6422/petition.html

PLEASE SIGN

I AM SOOO SICK OF HIM TIRED OF HIM EVEN EXISTING

There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I am not reminded me of the shit head his is. I was getting my daughter ready this morning to go to my grandmother's house...you know getting her dolls together and stuff. And I go in to her bookbag I find two birthday cards from her dad both saying she is the love of his life and he will never love anyone as much as he loves her. But he'll torture her love ya that's really love.

Can you believe that that he actually believes that he has more of a part of bring our daughter into the world then me? Like the little bit of sperm that he released that night is way greater then having a human being inside you growing then pushing them out.

THE MAN ( MAN BEING USED LOOSELY) IS NUTS!!!!!!

To be honest I am really really tired of being broke!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There really isn't any help out there for single mothers and the dead beat dads out there. Like I really don't understand why they have any rights when they won't take care of there responsiblities and the mother is left to struggle on her own.



Every time I hear this song it makes me feel better so I thought I'd share it. I wish that I could play it for you


"Through With You"
By: Maroon 5

Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it

And I don't trust you
Cause every time you're here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all

You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you
Oh cause I remember very well

And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you

And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?

You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do I
called to let you know I'm through with you


Oh an on a happier note the interview that I did for Latina magazine well I got a quote in. I know it's just a quote but still it put a smile on my face!!!! : )

I HATE THAT PIECE OF SHIT WITH EVERY INCH OF MY BODY

WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS?

BECAUSE I AM WORKING...I AM THE RESPONSIBLE ADULT IN HER LIFE HE THINKS THAT HE CAN JUST SWOOP IN AND TAKE HER WHEN EVER HE WANTS!!!!!

GET A FUCKEN JOB YOU LOSER!!!!!!!!

I WOULD LOVE TO FIND HIM IN A DARK ALLEY I WOULD LOVE TO HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A MEDAL PIPE!!!!


I HATE HIM MORE AND MORE EVERYDAY.

I WISH HE WOULD JUST GO AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK MY DAUGHTER WILL BE BETTER OFF!!!!!!!

(***I JUST NEEDED TO VENT***)

On a happier note Saturday was my little girl's 7th birthday she looked so pretty. I can't believe that she's 7. To be honest I am counting the days until she goes back to school I will have a little more control in my life. Because I will be picking her up from school and dropping her off and I will have his ass locked up if he even tries to come near us when she's in school.

THE COUNT DOWN HAS BEGUN

Well I finally hauled my lazy ass to family court to file my papers against the JERK-OFF. And to be honest I hated being there. I was there for 6 hours and I am not exaggerating either. 6 FUCKEN LONG AS HOURS and the whole time I was there my haterd for the JERK-OFF grew more and more.

And believe it or not it looks like MR. JERK-OFF is going to get 5 years probation for the drug charge in Westchester. Can you believe it??? It's like the man (and I use the word man loosely) stepped in shit!!!!

When I found out that he was only going to get 5 year probation I knew that I was going to have a fight on my hands what with court and everything...and that is why I say that the COUNT DOWN HAS BEGUN!!!!

I have 22 more days until my birthday and 24 more days until I have to go back to court. And in that time I have to get my MIND, BODY AND SPIRIT ready for the fight. I have to be smarted and ready for anything because I know that he will try and fight dirty and break me; make me a reck. I will not let that happen to me again.

I wrote in my journal the other day that if there is one thing that I wil make sure that my daughter learns is this "IF THERE IS SOMETHING IN LIFE SHE WANT SHE IS GOING TO HAVE TO STAND UP AND GET IT BECAUSE NOTHING WILL BE HANDED TO HER!!!!"

MY STRENGTH WILL KILL THIS MAN (again loosely using the term Man)

NOT BREAKING MY SPIRIT

THERE IS NO WAY THAT PIECE OF SHIT OF AN EX MINE IS NOT BREAKING MY SPIRIT.


THAT IS MY THOUGHT FOR THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY POOR LITTLE GIRL AND THE FUCK HEAD THAT IS HER FATHER

I haven't written much because my mind has been too frazzled. Last Friday the JERK-OFF picked up my daughter from my grandmother's house and when the JERK-OFF dropped her off at she had come back upset and saying that she couldn't stay at my Grandma's house I had no idea what he had told her all I knew was that he told her something that made her very emotional that when I spoke to her she was telling that her head hurt and stomach too. When I spoke to her she honestly very emotional. And I knew that it was him but I couldn't get it out of her she didn't to talk in front of my grandmother either .

But on Saturday she was fine and very happy to go to my mother's house. It was on Sunday that my daughter finally spilled the beans andshe told me "Grandma doesn't like me." When I asked her who said that she wouldn't answer so I sat her down and told how much every one loved her including Grandma. And how much Grandma loves having her there.

And he did all this because he got wind of the fact that I was going to go out with my sister for her friend's B-Day. So he was basically mind fucking his 6 year old daughter. When I spoke to my daughter on Friday she soooo upset there was no way I could have gone out and had a good time.

He is a big piece of shit and I hate so much my daughter was soo upset that she didn't even want to talk him all weekend (on the phone).

He also told her not to tell me because Mommy will be mad her.

It gets better then I have my ASSHOLE of a brother in law have the nerve tell me on Saturday that he needs to talk to me about the JERK-OFF but it was my sister's birthday night so the last thing I wanted to was talk the JERK and all the crap he putting me and my daughter through. Now it's not even like I talk to my sister's husband honestly I can't stand him. So for him to think that he could have a heart to heart with me he stupid for thinking he could. So I told him that tonight was not the time to talk about the JERF-OFF but he then tells me that he doesn't care and that we are talking tonight so I told him that I simply wouldn't go out with them that night (even thought I was the one that set everything up) he said fine. So I hung up on him and called my younger sister to tell her I wasn't going of course she was pissed then everyone started to fight.

It was one fucked up weekend not to mention that I haven't gotten my child support and now I don't have the money to pay my rent this month $1000.00.

I am trying not to get depressed and keep a positive attitude but it's so hard.

I will say this that JERK-OFF did the worse thing trying to brainwash my daughter now I will do everything in my power to have the courts keep him away from her. FUCK HIM HE DOESN'T DESERVE A GREAT KID LIKE MY LITTLE GIRL!!!! I WOULD RATHER STAY BROKE THEN EVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH AGAIN!!!

I know that HATE is a strong word but I ABSOLUTELY HATE THAT MAN AND I HOPE HE GOES TO JAIL OR JUST DISAPPEARS FOREVER, MY DAUGHTER WILL BETTER OFF WITH OUT HIM IN HER LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF YOU PAY ATTENTION THE WORLD DOES TALK TO YOU

Lately I feel like the world is screaming at me to show me the right path to follow.

The other day on my way home from work I was the Kiss FM and they had an author on the radio talking about how he is self published and he was giving types on how to be a self published author too.

Then I was watching TV and there was show about how look and feel younger and sexier. Not that I think I look old but I would love to have my bartender body back. I have but on a few pounds.

Then this morning on my way to work I turned on the radio and as soon as I turned to z100 I heard them talking about how it’s very easy to fall back if your ex (not that I would GOD NO) because you focus on all the good times and forget about the bad times. And that is so true.
I am counting the days for my Grandmother to come home from Puerto Rico. She makes my life a little easier. I can’t wait.

IT'S A NEW DAY

Today is a new day. And I love the fact that even though the problems from yesterday are still there I don’t feel the same way I did.

I woke up this morning not knowing what the change is but knowing that it was there.

I have to keep believing that I am the only one that can control my own destiny.

And even if I do have to go to court with JERK-OFF; I know that I am not just a good mother I am a GREAT MOTHER. And I maybe suffering financially but he will always be suffering because he won’t let his heart heal when it come to me.

And I know that I won’t suffering for much longer.

MY MIND IS FILLED WITH THOUGHTS AND WORRIES

I have been doing a lot of think lately and a lot of journal writing…of the things that I have to do and the things that I need to do. And there is one thing that keeps on haunting me, and that is NEGATIVE thoughts.

I feel like people are wishing that I fail that, I fall flat on my face. I strongly believe that I was put on this earth to be a writer. So how do you block the negative thoughts????

I am feeling a little better but to be honest I am still feeling like I am still not on solid ground yet and that’s because I haven’t my extra income. I know that as soon as I get under control and all the court shit out of the way I will feel whole of a lot better.

I just have to keep reminding myself two things:
Good things come to those who wait.
It’s never to late to be me

THE 4 THINGS I NEED TO DO!!!!!
GET MY LISENCE (PERMIT BY MY B-DAY 9-10)
GET A SECOND JOB (A.S.A.P)
FINISH WITH ALL THIS COURT CRAP (BEFORE THE BABY’S B-DAY 8-27)
FINISH MY BOOK (A.S.AP.)

BEYOND PISSED OFF SICK AND TIRED

PISSED DOESN’T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE HOW I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW.

THIS FUCKEN MAN IS NUTS AND HE’S DRIVING ME NUTS. HE WILL TRY EVERYTHING IN POWER TO TRY AND GET TO ME AND NOW HE HASMY DAUGHTER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WHOLE THING.

HER BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP IN LIKE A LITTLE OVER A MONTH AND NO MATTER WHAT PROBLEMS WE MAY HAVE HAD WE HAVE ALWAYS MADE HER BIRTHDAY THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT AND WE ALWAYS HAD A BIG PARTY. MY DAUGHTER DOESN’T HAVE MANY FRIENDS AND THE ONES THAT SHE DOES HAVE ARE ALL CHILDREN FROM FRIENDS OF HIS WHICH I KNOW AS WELL.

NOW HE DOESN’T WANT TO HAVE ONE BIG PARTY HE WANTS ME TO HAVE MY PARTY AND HIM TO HAVE HIS PARTY AND I AM NOT TO CALL ANY OF THE HIS FRIENDS TO INVITE THEIR CHILDREN TO THE PARTY THAT I AM SUPPOSE TO THROW FOR HER.

SO BASCILLY HE WANTS HER PARTY WITH ME TO BE EMPTY SO SHE CAN HAVE A MISAGIABLE TIME AT MINE AND HIS PARTY BE THE GREATEST THING FOR HER.

WHY MUST HE PUT HER THE MIDDLE?????

THAT’S NOT LOVE!!!!!!!!

I HATE HIM SOO MUCH AND I FEEL BAD FOR MY DAUGTHER.

MY GUESS IS HE FIGURES THAT IF I AM NOT GOING TO CARE ABOUT HIM TRYING TO RUIN ANYTHING BETWEEN AND SOME GUY AND I WON’T RESPOND TO STUPID MESSAGES LET’S HIT ME WERE IT HURTS AND USE MY DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!

FUCKEN JERK-OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A LEOPARD NEVER CHANGES IF SPOTS

The man is amazing...and seriously has some problems!!!

After I left my 2 post from yesterday I went about my business with work and everything and just as I was about to leave for the day a delivery came to my office. The most beautiful flowers in the world from the BIGGEST JERK in the world and attached to it was the most stupidest letter.

All talking about how I let my stupid ex -boyfriend from when I was in high school treat me like shit and I never called the cops on him; how could I do it to him. DUH I was 17 years old and so was he and I was young and stupid. But I made promise to myself that after him I would never let another man ever treat me like that again. And how much he misses me

To later that at around 12 am I get three messages from him about not speaking to our daughter before she went to bed. He should have called at early time then he would have known that she was over my grandmother's house and I had a writing assignment for the paper to do last night. But of course I have to be out Fucking half the world. That's what he thinks I do on my free time when I am not with my daughter.

What a fucken child!!!!

Now he is threatens to take my child support away let him I'll run his ass right back to court.

FUCK HIM!!!! FUCKING CHILD!!!!!

Well on a good note I have an interview for a bar today. I hope I get it!!!!

I think I will because it couldn't have come a better time!!!!

Peace & Love
And Happy 4th to Everyone

THIS SONG IS LIKE THE STORY OF ME AND MR. JERK-OFF

PAPA ROACH LYRICS
"Scars"
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane All I can say is
[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
[Chorus]
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

THEY SAY YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERYDAY

I am so angry today...angry, shocked and amazed. And like I aways say there is never a dull moment in my life!!!!

Well, last Thursday MR. JERK-OFF got arrested the cops finally found him when he was on his way to pick my daughter from school. And all this happened in front of his mother so she practically had a nervous break down and came running to get me so that I could go pick up my daughter because the school will not release my daughter to her. HELL NO THAT LADY IS NUTS!!!!

So my daughter sees that her grandmother is all upset and she doesn't see her father so of course my daughter began asking questions. She had nightmares all night thinking of her father and no I didn't tell her that he got arrested. But she knew something was up considering how her grandmother was acting and he wasn't there to pick her up like he told he would.

So between my daughter's nightmare and his mother's emotional fit I had to do the right thing and help to bail him out. And thank God he was released on ROR so no money had to be put up for him. I dropped the burgarly charges cause I got my stuff back BUT I DID NOT DROP THE ASSAULT CHARGES NO THAT HE HAS TO ANSWER FOR!!!!

I actually hoped that maybe because he spent a few nights in jail it would make him open his eyes but of course it didn't because as soon as he got out he tried to make me feel guilty by describing the whole experience which IT DIDN'T WORK.

Him and his mother actually wanted me to say that I made up the whole thing about him stealing my computer and the he took it to upgrade it and the night that he hurt me was my fault he was just defending himself against me. THEY ARE BOTH FUCKING INSANE!!!!! AND OF COURSE I SAID HELL NO!!!!!

Now I find out days later that the whole time he was giving me hard time about the guy that I am dating he has been fucking this girl that I know not a friend of mine but a girl I know. And he was also fucking an ex girl friend behind my back while we were together.

WHAT A FUCKEN HYPOCRITE!!!!!

He knows that I found out about the girl that I know and he swears that it's not true; ya like I am ever suppose to belive another word that comes out of his mouth again.

I always thought that the reason why he was so crazy obsessed with me was because he really loved me cause I was his first real girlfriend and because we have a child together...

I now realize that he just a child who don't know how to give up something he know longer has!!!

I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET MY LIFE BACK

It funny what your mind and body goes through when someone has invaded you privacy . My mother and aunt came over the other day and helped reorganize my apartment and try to make mine again.

At least I got my computer back but now it feels a little alien to me like it's not mine. I still feel like he can see everything I'm doing everything I am typing. I know that's not possible.

I know one day I'll be fine. I am looking forward to this weekend I plan on just hanging home enjoying the silence.

And in case anyone is wondering No the cops haven't gotten him yet...Why cause the cops by my house suck.

And sorry it took me so long for me post again I have been too crazy to sit and write.

@#$$%%$&$

I HAVE NEVER HATED ANYONE AS MUCH AS I HATE MY DAUGHTER'S FATHER!!!!!!!!

THE JERK-OFF BROKE INTO MY APARTMENT AND STOLE MY COMPUTER AND CAMERA THAT I USE FOR THE PAPER. THE COMPUTER THAT MY DAUGHTER USES TO PLAY HER GAMES ON; WERE SHE GOES TO PLAY ONLINE AT NICK.COM.

I HAVE THE WHOLE 45 PERCIANT LOOKING FOR HIM.

I WILL MAKE HIM PAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW STUPID CAN SOME PEOPLE BE

I gave the JERK-OFF a chance to pay his child support with out having to go to court like we had been doing before…but no he wants to be stupid and take me to court. You know what I say “TAKE ME TO COURT!!!!!!” He thinks that the fact he has a tape of me having phone sex with some I am seeing is grounds to I don’t know make me a bad mother.

How? Really?
I was home alone my daughter was at my grandmother’s house and it was a Friday night so it wasn’t like I didn’t have her and it was school night!!!!!

He is the biggest FUCKEN IDIOT and I have an appointment to see my lawyer on Thursday. YES THIS THURSDAY!!!!!!!!

Now let’s see what he’s done???
1.) HE is a drug dealer with a Felony drug charge pending in Westchester County
2.) HE illegally bugged my room
3.) HE broke my front door
4.) HE assaulted me and now the cops are looking for him now.
5.) HE has a record
6.) HE has know place to live.
7.) HE is using someone else’s name IDENTIY FRAUD
8.) HE hacked into my email account again ILLEGAL

And I had
1.) Phone sex with someone I am seeing when I was home alone
2.) And I write erotic fiction

WOW BAD MOMMY!!!!!!

WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVERYDAY IS A NEW DAY

And I swear that is so true; yesterday when I was typing up my entry I was feeling a little vulnerable ; beaten. But today I am feeling a whole hell of a lot better I feel much more in control.

Now my mind is going crazy thinking of ways that I can make some extra money; so that me and my daughter can have a fun summer without me having to be away from her the whole day. I know that I will figure this out in time until then I am just going to keep writing and I HAVE TO, HAVE TO, HAVE TO start working again just in case I do have to start bartending again I need the body again.

I made an appointment for myself for the doctor so I can get a physical and next is the OBGYN I haven’t gone since I turned 30 and I will be 31 in 2 ½ - 3 months. And those things are on my list to do before I turn 31 that and finishing my book. WOW time flies. I have to get cracken.

FOOL ME ONCE SHAME ON YOU; FOOL ME TWICE SHAME ON ME, FOOL ME THREE TIME WHAT A FOOL I AM

Well MR. JERK-OFF has finally left the building but not after throwing me around my kitchen first. YUP stupid me, the one with the heart the never stops giving got thrown around like a ragdoll on Saturday.

I met a guy finally that is some what looking for the same thing that I am looking for; no real attachments, fun and maybe a little sex. Now I have gone with out sex for a little over 8 months since my birthday and it was so not that great that I can barely remember it. Anyway, I have been talking to him, emailing him for about a month now and last week we meet up for a drink and to be honest we had real chemistry. It was nice. So since that day we have been talking more and emailing more and chatting on line.

On Friday night, when I was home alone my new friend called and our conversation at one point became very heated and we were having phone sex. Yes people still do that. ; )

We were suppose to hook up on Saturday and hang and if anything happened well shit I am a grown 30 year old woman why can't have sex if I wanted too...Anyway I went to get my hair done and while I was there JERK-OFF called and said that he had to change his clothing before I went out so I thought nothing of it and told him to hurry up and and just bring me back my keys before I left. Well 15 minutes later I called him because he had a attitude and I didn't know why?

Well MR. JERK then tells me that he heard my inter conversation last night on the phone with my new friend. Well, him being in my house I hauled ass out of there and went home as quick as possible so he would destroy my house.

I get there we argue about what I said...He then tells me that he had my bedroom bugged. (I know this sounds like a movie but it's not it's my life)

So I ask him what bothers him more the fact the I don't him or that I want someone else and that's when he grabbed me by the neck and began chocking me and throwing me around my kitchen by my neck. So to defend myself I grabbed a knife which he managed to get out of my hand. He finally left when my mother called and she heard the whole thing.

So all night Saturday he called (which I refused to answer) and left me about a half a million messages repeating what I was saying to my new friend and calling me whore and slut cause there was the thought of me going to have sex with.

On Sunday he decided to have one of his computer hacking friends go into the one and only email account that he knows and change my password so that now I can not get into it and it's not ever the one that my new friend has. But in changing my email password he couldn't resist and read my emails now he calls me all day Sunday leaving me messages of some emails that were sent to me way over a year ago from and ex of mine that I was with before MR. JERK-OFF were even together. And now I am a liar for those too and to be honest as he read them to me I had NO IDEA what the hell he was talking about. Then emails were not familiar at all.

So I went to the cops and filed a complaint against him for the assault. They had to take pictures of all my bruises which was rather humiliating. They are suppose to be arresting him soon on a class 3 assault.

The thing that kills me is that I feel guilty about going to the cops because of my daughter because as it is she has been asking for him already. Now if this was one of my girlfriends I would be the first one to say "GO TO THE COPS BEFORE SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS".

So where do I get this guilty disposition from; maybe because my father said it was my fault for helping him in the first place or from my mother who said maybe it was a little too soon to start anything up with anyone (8 months later) or from MR. JERK-OFF'S mother who says that I had no right to pull out a knife on him or maybe because my daughter gives me the most saddest eyes in the world when she asks for him.

But honestly doesn't my safety come first?

And Now I am start to contemplate whether or not I want to keep my new friend even though he is really nice and can put a smile on my face and I am really attracted to him.

How can I be wrong for being SEXUALLY INDEPENDENT if my most of my writing is about SEXUAL INDEPENDENCE ANYWAY? Don't I have a right to be myself?

MR. JERK-OFF claims to have put me on a pedestal I never asked him too and there has been countless times that he has broken my heart. I am proud of the fact that I didn't try and defend myself by throwing in his face how all he sleeps with is strippers or how he has lost the condom is few of them.

I am sooooo pissed but writing this made me feel a lot better.

And like I always say "NEVER A DULL MOMENT"

THE TIME HAS COME

I have to stop thinking that my job is going to take me anywhere. My job is just like my idiot JERK-OFF ex going know where.

The girl that works with me could be on my side and see that I am just a single mother struggling to stay a float. But instead she would rather be jealous of me and try her hardest to fuck me out any money that I can get my hands on.

I like my boss and I love my job he works with me and understands when I have to leave early because of my daughter. He knows that the next day I’ll come in early and stay late to make up my time and finish my work and she hates that. And it’s not even like she doesn’t come and go as she pleases and know one says shit to her; so why should it bother when our boss allows me to do it.

I have to find a part time job I have 4 weeks to toned up incase (which I really don’t want to do) I have to go back to bartending.


THERE IS NEVER A DULL MOMENT IN A SINGLE MOTHER’S LIFE!!!!

I AM FEELING A LITTLE BLUE TODAY

I got some bad news today...I found out that the woman that raised me, that loved me know matter what I did has Stage 4 Bone Cancer.

My grandmother has been my rock my whole life. Now she doesn't look sick nor does she have any of the symptoms which is very good because with the exception of this she is as healthy as a horse.

I adore my grandmother and this whole thing is pissing me off; it's not fair I still haven't gotten over my grandfather's passing yet.

I thank God that my daughter was too young to understand but miss him she did. Even though she was only 2 when he passed you could see it in her eyes her looking for him and she would stair at his picture on the wall in awe.

My little girl is so close to my grandmother like I was when I was a little girl.

WHEN I GAVE BIRTH; SHE TOOK ALL MY LOVE FOR HIM WITH HER

My blog is a release for me…away of me being honest with myself. And I think now more then ever I need to be honest.
There is this thing about me that has always been there (I know that I am not as bad as I was when I was teenager) I have this thing with taking a lot of shit from the men I fall in love with and some girlfriends that I have had…I allow them to walk all over me and shit on me in the process.
My first boyfriend (well real boyfriend) could be an abusive asshole; sometime physical but mostly emotional & mentally. I let him get away with it for 5 years. Yes, there was something seriously wrong with me. I cried and I suffered so and every time I swore I would never go back and never look back.
Well of course in time I gave up on that first disaster and just found a different bread of assholes. But I can say this for myself not a single one not ever after my first nightmare boyfriend put a hand on me and if any every tried they never got the chance again and they never forgot me either.
With every bit of fiber and life in me there is nothing I would love to do more then beat the living crap out of MR. JERKOFF. And I know should I kick his sorry ass out of my house and there is this huge part of the wishes I could go the rest of my life with out every having to deal with him again. Because honestly I can’t stand him.
But then I look at my daughter and she tells me about her day with him on a class trip or a visit to the park. Or I watch him reading her a bed time story and my heart goes out to my daughter because I know how much she loves him and I know I have to do right by her.
My daughter is the most important person in my life and I don’t have the right to take him a way from her. I know that he is the biggest asshole and liar to me but that’s not what is important. I have to be the best parent for her and allow her to make her own mind up about her father. And as long as I don’t get my feeling of compassion confused with love (which I know I won’t it’s just something I tell him; not to confuse my feelings of compassion) I am fine. There is no second chance for us. I know this my heart has had all it can take.

STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES

He must really think that I am stupid or just to best simple about things he has no respect for me!!!!! It really is that simple. My house guest from hell is staying with me because he landed himself into some trouble with the law. Which when that happened wasn’t the reason why he started staying with me. His personal legal problems don’t mean shit to me. But it’s what happened two days before he got arrested which is why I opened my door to him. I mentioned a while ago the he is a big baby and one day he was having a temper tantrum and kicked in my front door. I called the cops and 3 months later yes 3 moths later they come knocking on my door to arrest him two days after he arrested for some stupid drug thing. Now this is how stupid the cops in my neighborhood are why knock on my door when he wasn’t living there and said so on the report.
So since he has been staying here he’s slept in our daughter’s room on the floor because neither I or our little one is giving up one of our beds not for him. So the whole time he’s been here he has been telling me how broke he is and how he can’t ever afford his apartment. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
Well one night he walked into my house drunk and cranky. He throws his jacket on my living room sofa. There was something inside me that told me to look in his pockets. And as sure as shit I found a big bag of weed and a knot of money. What a lying piece of shit I know what he thinks that if he stays here long enough I’ll fall weak to him and give in and sleep with him. Well he has another thing coming and he truly needs to be taught a lesson. I am just not sure how. I do know that I am sure tired of always fighting with him it’s unhealthy for my daughter and for me as well.
But honestly he is truly stupid if he thought I wasn’t going to find out. And the real pitiful thing about him is that he still to this day hasn’t figured out that it is all the lying that he’s done over the years that was part of the reason and one of the biggest problems which was the result of our demise. Nine years later and he still doesn’t get. That is why I say a lesson needs to be taught.

THE MOVING IS COMPLETELY OVER

THANK GOD!!!!!

As much as I like living in new places I wish that moving wasn't such a pain in the ass.

Now I am counting the days until the summer and my daughter's school to go on vacation; I need some Adult time. Because honestly for 10 months my world revolves around my daughter. It's true I have the weekends off cause she goes to my grandmother's. But in the summer if I want to make last minute plans to have drinks in the city on a Wednesday night I can without any worries.

The other thing is I have to find a bartending gig this summer. I really don't want to do that because that means giving up my weekends so I am hoping that my writing career takes off.

I am working on a new blog this is fictional. When I get up and running I will have a link for it.

ALL ABOUT ME

I have spent far too much time paying attention to what my JERK-OFF houseguest wants and needs (because that's just me I am just a softy at heart). And to be honest that has always been my problem; like my Blogger Buddy "Z" I am too nice and true to life some time the nice guy does finish last but that's because we don't play dirty like the bad guys do. We actually care about people and there feelings.

And I know that there is nothing I can do about my heart because it will always go out to those I care about even those they my not deserve it but it's high time I put myself first!!!!!

Shit everyone else does and so should I.

There is no way that MR. JERK-OFF and I will ever get back together and my gut tells me that he will never change no matter how nice he tries to be to me.

The fact of the matter is the he has never had any respect for my writing or for my mind for the matter and as the years go on I loss more and more respect for him.

So I have to get back and again as my Blogg buddy "Z" said "Shit or get off the Pot" if I want my novel to get pick up by birthday.

It's about me now!!!!!!

M.I.A BECAUSE OF MOVING

I haven’ t written in a few days because I have been moving from one place to another and right now I am about 95% done. My houseguest from hell has been helping me.

Shit he should do something considering I am letting him crash but I know that even though I am helping him out with his situations he will still find away to throw in my face how he helped me move and my family wasn’t there for me. BLAH, BLAH like he’s done so much for me. I know this because that is the kind of man that he is.

He also thinks that because he helped me move that I should feel comfortable enough to let him waltz around my apartment while I am at work. Now I know he’s nuts because while he was suppose to be helping me move he was busted more then once and not just by me read my things, reading personal things that I had written and I am suppose to give him the keys to my house. YUP HE’S NUTS!!!! Reading my personal private shit is one of the main reasons why I can’t be with him I can’t trust him he’s sneaky.

It’s time for him to leave and might sound fucked up considering he helped me move and everything but I won’t be guilt tripped in my own home.

SPRING IS IN THE AIR

I picked up my keys last night for my new apartment. I love moving, it’s like a fresh start. I am going to hustle my ass this afternoon to get as much done as possible. I have cable coming tomorrow to put my cable, my phone, and internet in and my plan is to start sleeping there as of Wednesday night.

I think the reason why I like moving so much is because you get to go through everything and throw away everything in peace…make a mess, then pack it’s great.

And I finally get my own room THANK GOD NO MORE SLEEPING IN THE LIVING ROOM!!!!!
I have been thinking about the woman I was before my daughter was born, the woman I became after she was born and the woman I am today and to be honest I like what I see now more then before and I know there are still other things that I need to improve on and to be honest I can’t wait.

WHY I STARTED DOING THIS

I started this blog thing for a few different reasons...

1. Was because I think that my life is interesting and I think people might get something useful from it.
2. My JERK-OFF ex read my last journal without my permission so I thought I might as well publish this one.
3. And finally to track my success and failures.

I love the fact that people comment on my entries.

I really want to Thank everyone that reads my blog and sends me little notes and I do try to get to everyone's blog that writes to me.

So thank you again.

Miricales & Blessings

Mica

I will try to write more later.

UNGRATEFUL

Let me shed some light on my very ungrateful house guest. It just so happened to be MR. JERKOFF. Yes call me stupid and every other name in the book but I let him stay because the cops are looking for him and it's about 10% my fault and 90% his fault. Allow me to explain...

2 months ago the asshole kicked in my door and was verbally attacking me in front of our daughter so the next day I filed a complaint against him. I did it for Family court and now he has the cops looking for him because according the cops now they have to arrest anyone involved in a domestic complaint (which I had no idea). And because he has a court thing going in another county the cops where I live have a hard on for him.

I say it's only 10% my fault because I told them where he lived when I filed the complaint not knowing what I know now. But I know that I had every right to go to the cops but the fact the he is in the middle of another court thing and the fact that he acted like a child that day and kicked in my door like a savage and had no regard that our daughter was standing right there I have nothing to do with that. And the only reason why he acts out like that is because he doesn't dare put a hand on me because I do fight back.

So the weekend is coming and I LOVE TO SLEEP in on Saturdays I asked what he was going to do because I really don't want to be disturbed. Now it's a different story if I had a two bedroom apt but I don't my bedroom is in the living room and I wake up every morning early to get my daughter ready for school and me for work I deserve at least one night out and one day to sleep in late and FUCK HIM IF HE DOESN'T AGREE!!!!! I have a sitter for my daughter she is in great hands and her father does nothing so his say means nothing to me.

So now he's pissed saying that he feels he over stayed his welcome and that I was mean about it. Well if I was so what he deserves that and more he's just lucky I don't give it to him.

I HATE MY HOUSE GUEST

I have this house guest that to be honest I can't stand him but I opened my door to him because I was placed between a rock and hard place and what's a girl to do?

Well, I'll tell you what I am going to do...I am moving into a new apartment next week and my house guest is not coming with me!!!!

I feel trapped when I have a house guest. I feel like I am suffocating...I can't be creative and I hate that.

I can't be free...For example I have to remember to bring my robe to the bathroom when I take a shower. I hate that. I like to work on my novel late at night when my daughter is sleeping can't do that with a house guest. I am counting the days!!!!

I wish I had the $$$ to take a vacation...Nothing crazy like a week but a weekend starting today and come back on Sunday night. And I would go straight to Florida and hang out on South beach. With that said it makes me think of Mr. SunnyState and if I ever creep into his mind at all. I wonder if he thinks about me sometimes and wonders "What If?" I often wonder what would happen if we ran into each other again. The last time we saw each other I felt the fire that still burned between us after 9 years would it still be there after another 7 years?

The last I heard of Mr. SunnyState is that he was getting married...I wonder if he did it?

Oh well no point in dwelling in the past

MY LIFE IS A SPANISH NOVELLA

There is never a dull moment in my life. I guess that's why from the age of 13 I have always enjoyed writing and found such peace in it.

I like to take my life and moments or fantasies that I have and put a different spin on it.

For me (like pretty much everyone in the world) my life has never been easy. There was always a challenge or a hurtle that I had to climb.

At first I wrote poems focusing on the bad.

But as I got older I believed that if you mentally and emotionally believed in something it would happen and writing it for me made my beliefs even stronger.

My writing makes me stronger!!!!

CELIBACY SUCKS

It has been over 6 months since I have had sex I think I am going to loss my mind soon.
Why wait then? Am I waiting for love or something special like that? HELL NO!!!!! Love is the last thing on my mind. To be honest I am waiting for my money situation to get a little bit better. And not because I plan on paying for sex or something crazy like that.

I just want to make sure that the next guy doesn't think that his way to my heart is with his money or buying me gifts. If I feel like leaving in the middle of the night I can cause I have the money to take a cab. And it's not like I don't any offers.


I want to make sure that my INDEPENDENCE is INDESTRUCTIBLE.

THERE'S A REASON FOR EVERYTHING

I reminded myself something today…I reminded myself that were I work is just a job. They don’t want to give me any more money they are just happy with the way things are. And for me the job is good cause it fits into my schedule with my daughter. But I had to be honest with myself. It’s time that I invested in myself and stopped being afraid of my dreams.

I know what I was put on this earth for and time I started doing it.

And just remember that I was lucky to find a job that worked with me.

I HATE MEN WITH HIDDEN AGENDAS

HELP MY EX THE JERK-OFF THAT HE IS HAS JUST DONE ANOTHER THING TO TRY AND BUY MY ATTENTION.

HE GOT ME TICKETS TO SEE MAROON 5 AND THERE-ORCHESTRA SEATS. ORCHESTRA SEATS!!!!!!!

I LOVE MAROON 5!!!! HE SAYS HE GOT THEM FOR ME AS AN EARLY MOTHER'S DAY GIFT. AND THAT WOULD BE GREAT IF THEY WERE REALLY FOR ME...

THE A CATCH IS I HAVE TO GO WITH HIM.

IF THEY WERE REALLY A GIFT THEN WHY NOT GIVE ME THE TICKETS SO I GO WITH A FRIEND OR EVEN GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO SAY "HEY THANKS FOR THE TICKETS WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME WITH ME?"

SO MY PROBLEM IS I REALLY REALLY WANT TO GO!!!! SHOULD I STILL GO?????

EVEN THOUGH IS IS THE BIGGEST JERK-OFF IN THE WHOLE WORLD?

FEEL FREE TO ANSWER...

WORDS ARE ONLY WORDS

There is one word to describe the feelings that I have for my ex and that is DISGUST!!!!
For the past 9 years I have gotten the same bullshit from him which is when ever he's pissed at me which to be honest is quite often...He acts out and starts calling me names and insulting me. To then realize days later that he can't live with out me and then comes the presents, the flowers, the letters and cards. And they would all say the same thing "How much he loves me and how sorry he is for treating me the way he does."

When I left him the first time I lelt because he was so selfish and so self - involved I couldn't take it anymore.

Two years later I got back together with him because he promised me that he was a changed man and for the sack of our daughter; I really wanted to believe him too but of course one year later he went back to him same old bullshit of the street being more important than me and his daughter and putting me down.

When they made up the saying "Fool me once shame on you" "Fool me twice Shame on me" they must of had me and my JERK-OFF ex in mind.

Sometimes you just have to do you

I believe that I am surrounded by signs; leading towards the path I am destined to follow. My personal beaten path. I have spent far too much time doing the things that my father & MR. JERKOFF always putting myself last. So now I have decided to do me. Do what I think is right for me and my Angel…live our life my way. That means my home my way; my career my way.

All I have to do is brave and believe in me and I can see the some doors opening a crack so it’s up to me to open them up.

Cocky, Cocky, Cocky

It’s funny how he thinks the things that he does can possibly make a difference to me. And I’m saying that not to be a bitch it’s just the truth. I know that shit was fucked up between me and MR. JERKOFF before his legal problems but I never once thought that he do would anything that jeopardized anything to come between him and his daughter.

Now anything that he does it just too little too late.

All he ever thinks about is himself and how he doesn’t have me and the last thing he thinks of is our daughter. And to be honest I am tired of reminding him of her, of spending time with her. I shouldn’t have to.

And I have spent far to much time actually wasting my time on my daughter’s father and men before him and I just haven’t put anything into my life. No More.

I have been so busy the past few weeks trying to get a part time bartending gig. Then a writing gig fell into my life - so I have been running around like a crazy woman.

I am working for a new world this summer…..

IT'S A NEW DAY

I woke up the other day and I realized that all the blame that I may throw at MR. JERKOFF maybe well deserved but I should also throw some blame my way as well. Not that I have any fault in the stupid chooses he makes...no I am at fault for believing any of his bull crap promises.

Loving my daughter has nothing to with him. I honestly tried to make things work and all he ever wants to do is not except responsibility for anything. To be perfectly honest I really don't believe that he ever loved me at all because if he did he wouldn't be so cruel and hateful.

So from this day forward I will do what I need to do to make my life work for my Angel & me. She needs at least one good role model in her life. And if there is one lesson I will teach my daughter is will be "TO NEVER ALLOW A MAN TO TREAT YOU AS IF YOU ARE BENEATH HIM."

BE STRONG

I have been doing some thinking lately mostly about everything that is going on in my life and this voice in my head tells me to BE STRONG. But I wonder in being strong do you have to give up a part of yourself? Do you have to compromise a piece of your soul?
I spoke to MR. JERKOFF over the weekend and to my amazement he is expect sympathy or even empathy from me. I asked him how can he expect any if that from me when he just turned my life and our daughter’s life upside down. And he did it all without even a thought about how his daughter would feel about spending time without her father. Because the end result is that he most like going to have to do some jail time and even 6 months is going to be a lot for my daughter to deal with.

I got the lecture last night again from my family about how of course I want to get married and have another baby. They just don’t believe me when I say I know in my heart; in my gut that I will never get married and as for more babies that won’t happen either. I love my daughter with all my heart but I never want to go through of that again for me it wasn’t fun.

I have explained over and over how no man will be staying in my home. I don’t want her getting close to any man that might get involved with me. For me my personal life is my personal life and I don’t want man intruding on my daughter and mine’s time either.
I will be the first to admit YES I do have trust issues but I would rather have trust issues then allow the possibility of some guy coming into my home taking advantage of little Angel.

Everything Happens For A Reason

I am sitting back today looking at this whole that MR. JERKOFF got himself into and I am amazed and to honest shocked. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that one day he would wake up and do the right thing by his daughter and I know that some where inside me I might have been thinking that maybe for me too.

But after this I know that the premonition I had when I was 16 years old was a glimpse of the future and it was me single with a little girl.

Never A Dull Moment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so pissed off right now. I really don’t know what to feel right. I am angry and disappointed and really I shouldn’t be surprised… but I am.

I have spent pretty much the entire afternoon trying to help MR. JERKOFF because MR. JERKOFF got himself arrested for what I am not really sure but every time I have called to check on him to see if I can get information …the charges get worse.

I feel horrible for him; MR. JERKOFF’S best friend said that I must still have feelings for him and my answer was “LOVE; NO… COMPASSION BECAUSE OF MY DAUGHTER YES.”

The whole thing doesn’t make sense to me. And I am mostly pissed off because the amount of times that my little Angel asked for him today because it was his day to pick her up from school. And it broke my heart and to be honest I really don’t have good feeling about this whole thing and his court problem. And if it goes bad it will break my daughter’s heart.


Fucking Asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If You Have Nothing Nice To Say; Say Nothing

It’s funny no matter how hard I work at being the bigger person my sisters can still find ways to fault me.

Once I had my little Angel my priorities changed working 9-5 was not something I wanted. I wanted to be home with my little one. I wanted to be able to be home for her to do her homework with her & to be able to get her ready for school with out having to rush her or make her eat in school because I have to be work by 9am. I knew that I needed my own money but going down town and dealing with traffic and commuting was not something I wanted.

Bartending is something that I have under my belt to fall back on and I usually make pretty good money at it. But it can be an “ifie” business so when I got the job that I am at now I jumped at it and I am still here 3 years later. My part time job pays me enough to pay all my household bills but leaves nothing for me that is why I am going to get back into bartending on the weekends.

And this whole thing came out because MR.JERKOFF who keeps bugging the shit out of me. But of course if I had a full time job things would be different. Honestly I don’t see how it would make a difference.

My sisters are the type of people that say what ever they want; they have never the saying “If you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything.”

I'd Be An Idiot To Look Back

As I look at my broken door right now I still feel a little disappointed and hurt as crazy as that sounds. There was this small part of me deep down inside that hoped that he had changed. That he wasn’t he same man that he keeps showing me. But he is still the same man that insults me and calls me names and has no respect. I have to remind myself to stop feeling soft for him because he sure as hell doesn’t feel any softness for me. I guess I’m not such a “Male Bashing Wanta BE Lesbian” after all.

I am pissed the he thinks that I am slut because I got a call back from a bar and it just happened to be a strip club. Now I am a slut who has a million men in an out of her apartment.(his words not mine) I can’t deal with him anymore and to be honest I really don’t want to either.

The sucky thing is that now he will play dirty! Here we go court!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP QUESTIONING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well that’s it finally happened the little piece of shit laptop that I have been using finally died. And it’s ironic too because I came home today from having dinner him my daughter and the jerk (which by the way I had to pretty much talk him into doing why do I keep bothering). I came home thinking that maybe I shouldn’t be looking for another bartending job especially in a strip club. But that’s me questioning myself again when reality is smacking right on the face. I have to talk him into having dinner with us; come on that is so lame. He thinks that going grocery shopping is a waste of money he would rather buy shit everyday. Damn I am a mother that has to get our little girl ready everyday; I have to wash her clothing with no help from him except for quarters. And when she’s sick it’s me that loses the sleep. I do her homework with her everyday and study with her too. And I know that it’s a mother’s job to do all that and much, much more and I love it too but it’s his job too?

And it’s the fact that I have to always remind him that drives me crazy. And yet I keep questioning my decisions that makes no sense to me and I am the one that is doing it. I choose to work in strip clubs bartending for many reasons 1. is because the money is way better then regular clubs; know one tips in clubs and I’m staying up until 4am for 80 bucks no sorry. The 2nd reason is because I always felt much more safer leaving a strip club then a regular club the bouncer always waits with you. And the 3rd reason is when I get hit on there I am not taken off guard I handle it way better. For some reason I get all stupid like I care and I don’t need that.

I just need something for the weekend I need to not be around. I need to have more money on pocket because honestly it is not in my nature to be a beggar. He claims that all he wants is his family he wants us to be a family but how can I believe anything he says when he can see maybe if I need to buy panties or a new bra he stays silent and offers no assistances when he knows full well that all my money from my job goes to paying all my household bills and all he gives me is $150 a month for bills and $75 (when ever he remembers) for what he calls “Child Support” I call is it money for food shopping. So then what’s for me? I’ll tell you nothing.

A very good example of his self way wanting what he wants and never helping out to get it; he has always told me that he loves when my hair is red. I hate it cause it doesn’t last long on me and it turns orange which I hate. And he always claims he’ll pay to have my hair died red but when I go to ask him for the money I get 50 million excuses.

So again why do I bother worrying about him? Because I’m stupid that’s why!!!

OVER THE HUMP DAY BLUES

I woke up this morning and it was on of those days…you know you just don’t want to be bothered and the last thing you want to is go to work or be responsible. It could be because it’s “Over the Hump Day” and that day always sucks cause the weekend can’t come any faster. Or it could be because it’s so cold out and that sucks because who wants to be outside in this kind of weather any way. It could also because I have no plans this weekend and I am tired of playing sick so that my ex doesn’t bombard with phone calls about going out.

He has to be the thickest man I know; he’s an all or nothing kind of guy. Either we’re together and things are fine (for him but I’m miserable) or we’re not together and then he makes my life a living hell with his macho “If I can’t have know one can” attitude.

I have learned that the last thing I need right now in my life is a boyfriend and that includes my ex. I haven’t made my mark yet in life and every time I get into a relationship I forget what I need to do and put all my time and energy on the guy.

I have an understanding with myself because I know that I have trust issues that I would have a boyfriend (that means a guy that meets the family or my daughter) until after she’s in college. My family thinks that I am crazy and that something like that is unreasonable. But to be honest I don’t think so. I watch the news everyday and I hear all these stories about things that happen to children; like just last week some guy shook his girl’s son so hard he died. No, No, No; that’s ok I don’t need a man home with me and my daughter no thank you. As it is now her school already knows that I am very over-protective with her; her father or I has to go with her on all her trips.

I know not all men are wacko’s but I am not will to take that chance with my daughter sorry; no thank you.Na, the last thing I need a boyfriend; what I need is a life!!!!!

WET DREAM

There is nothing better than a really great wet dream!!!!
I had a dream on Saturday night that I woke up the next morning and I could still feel his hands touching me. It was amazing but the truly amazing thing is that I don’t remember any sex being involved. I remember his hands as he touched my shoulders and the tips of his fingers as they ran down my spin. I remember him whispering in my ear and feeling his warm breath on my neck.

I also remember some what; what this guy looked like and I have know idea who he was either. I didn’t know who he was ever in my dream. I remember walking down the street and I was waiting for a bus and there he was waiting too; we started talking and then he offered to buy me a drink and a local bar just around the corner. And I went too. (Now that is something I would never do just go out with a stranger from the street but I did with him)
I remember him standing close to me talking to me and I could feel his body heat radiating off him and on to me and I felt myself getting hot and wet in the dream and while I was sleeping.
My dream was so great that I woke up the next morning with a smile from ear to ear. Now if only that was real!!!!

Maybe my dream simply means that I am sexual frustrated! WOW what a shocker!!!! But I don’t really think it’s the sex I miss. I mean don’t get me wrong I love sex but I think the thing that I miss the most is the intimacy; hand roaming mouths exploring; the body heat that only two naked bodies can produce. That’s what I miss anyone can have sex it’s how you make the person feel before, after and during that matters!!!!

PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is nothing worse then a pathetic man!!!!

My ex wonders all time why I stopped having sex with him, why I don’t like to be close anymore, why I pulled away from him, why I know longer what him?

Well here is a really good example as to why I am the way that I am…yesterday I took the day off from work because my uncle passed away over the weekend so before the funeral I wanted to do some laundry. And of course I need my ex to watch my daughter and of course he choose to forget about me. When he finally does decided to show up I went about my business with out a care in the world because I know that what he wants is for me to get pissed and start an argument with him which I refuse to give him the satisfaction.

I realize after he leaves my house that my dresser looks a little odd (I may be a messy person but I can always tell when someone touches my shit.) Well, he stole my vibrator!!!! And in his rush to steal it with out getting caught he left his checkbook behind. So when I called him to inform him that he left his checkbook I also told him that I knew that he stole my vibrator; which he than assumed that I went looking for it because I want to use it at that moment.

Come on give me a break I was in the middle of doing laundry I’m not that horny to stop and pleasure myself in the middle of load. I’ll stop for sex but to play with myself. He’s just that stupid; he’s also so stupid that he had the nerve to tell me that I betrayed with my vibrator!!!

Of all the stupidest things…(NOTE HE BOUGHT ME THE DAMN THING FOR ME). In his imaginary world I must play with myself everyday all day.

So I simply told to him to keep it and have a good time with it!!!

The first time we broke up he accused me of having an affair in my mind because of a story that I wrote. (Damn I Must Be Good) And it wasn’t even something that I was trying to hiding from him but he just wasn’t interested in reading it when I gave it to him to read he only want to read it after he had to snooping for it.

I stopped having sex with my ex because the relationship has been and always will be one sided and instead of him looking at himself and asking himself if maybe I have a problem with him instead he finds fault and jealousy in every aspect of my life; My Jobs, My Writing, My Friends even the Books I read.
How can you find someone attractive or sexy if they can’t trust you or appreciate your interests?

TO MY EX:“HEY JERKIE STOP GOING THROUGH MY SHIT AND MAYBE WE WON’T HAVE AS MANY PROBLEMS. DIDN’T YOU LEARN YOUR LESSON WHEN YOU READ MY JOURNALS!!!!!!!!!!! NOSY BASTARD! WHAT ARE GOING TO DO CUT OFF MY HANDS NEXT!!!”

UNCLE WILLIE

Every day is a new day and with everyday something different happens. I just came back from visiting my uncle who has days to live in the hospital. It was hard to watch him like that; when I looked at him he didn’t look like the man I knew. And it wasn’t like I was all that close to him; I barely saw him but the memories that I did have were nice…of a smiling man an happy man but a lost man.

We think that we have more than a life time on this planet and all the time in the world to right the wrongs that haunt our minds at night. My uncle’s life was a tragedy but it was a tragedy that he created and unfortunately he couldn’t change it either.

I hope in the end that all of those who knew him and loved will see that his time here on earth wasn’t wasted even if he we all didn’t agree with his life chooses. He can at least go to heaven knowing that his purpose here was for to take something from his life and to learn from his life mistakes.

My aunt his sister prayed that when he dies that God will open the gates of heaven for him and all his sins will be forgiven. To be honest I believe that the gates will be wide open and all those he has lost along the way will be there waiting for himwith open arms.

All the reason why

He wonders and questions why I don’t want him…why our marriage ended? And I guess it’s the fact that he has to ask the question that drives me crazy. Before I ended things with him I tried my hardest to work things out I wanted to even go to counseling; anything to try and make things work. But making it work was only a one sided effort. Know matter what I begged for or what I pleaded for it fell on deaf ears.

And know matter how many tears I shed for him and the love that we lost…know matter how many times he’s broken my heart he will still always blame me.

Blame me for the fact the my mind wondered all those nights he left me alone.
Blame me for not excepting being chosen second best to the street.
And blame me for not finding him or his life glamorous.

I say this all the time; that the love I once had for him left my body the day I gave birth to our child…I say she took it all. She took all the unconditional love that I held in my heart for him. And I am glad she did too because in the six years that she has blessed me by being on this earth with me he has let her down and broken more promises to her than any grown woman has ever encountered. I have watched her eyes fill up with sadness but it’s that unconditional love that I spoke of earlier that as soon as she sees him the next time her heart is fixed and he’s the greatest daddy again. But I stay holding her pain and he still wonders why?

My family asks is there anyway that I can forgive him; reconcile? They said maybe he can change anything is possible???

So when I through caution to the wind to see if he was capable of change. I realized that he could change for a moment but for the long run he was still the same selfish man I knew before. The only thing that mattered to him was making him happy and fuck my writing. And it is for all the reason that I wrote before why I refuse to bother. And I will never again apologize for who I am again.

HAPPY NEW YEARS

As 2004 gracefully exited and 2005 jumps in it's place I see that the world that revolves around my family I see has not changed...

My 2005 I believe will be well pretty exciting and I am meant to be on my toes and every time something out of the ordinary happens maybe a little dangerous the first thing out of there mouth is did you call your ex. The last time I checked ex means x'ed out. They all hate him but the first thing they ask for in time of need is him. They are all backwards... In 2005 I see they have not changed.