Thursday, December 31, 2009





2009 is shortly coming to an end I can’t help but look back on all that I have experienced.

This was the first year without the woman who helped me through everything and anything…who was there for me through it all. And it still hurts to know that she won’t be involved with the rest of my life.

I lost my job my only way of making $$$$ at the time.

I broke up with 3 friends that were just a negative force in my life:
Friend # 1. Was so negative about life about it was to painful to be there friend anymore. Nothing was good to them in life not to mention they couldn’t be happy for anyone around them so I had to break my ties they where weighing me down

Friend # 2 I had to let go of because she was they type of person that once she found love she forgot about the girl who was there for her from day 1. Every conversation was always about her and her needs and her troubles and by the time she was done there was no time for me. And when I needed her most she wasn’t there for me and then made it seem like it was my fault…so break up # 2

Friend #3 was a friend but he never looked for me it was a very one sided relationship so I don’t him too.


But for the 3 I lost I found a few old ones so that’s cool.

For most people they would be sad that they lost there job and so many friends but I don’t…I mean don’t get me wrong it hurt like hell but why dwell on what you can’t change what’s they point of that.

My sister dwells it does her no good it’s a waste of time.

So goodbye 2009 we had our time and now its over…
We had our good times and we’ve had our bad.
Our ups and downs
But I stayed to fight another day
You taught me something new everyday and I no matter whether it was wonderful, romantic, a nightmare or the most painful moment I love you for you every experience you gave me.

And I welcome you new friend 2010
Because I will take everything I learned from you my former companion 09 So that this new year and I will treat each other good.
We will try to be patient with each other and know that neither one of us can move time any faster then at the speed it must go.
So we will try and have some laughs and good times.


Ciao 2009

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

On the map of another CROSSROAD


It is 1:30 in the morning and I am laying in bed pissed off at the man laying next to me.

And I am not pissed off the reasons that most would think...but why I am pissed off is the core of our reason for never truely being together.

Laying next to me the most selfish man I will ever know...
Does he love me? Yes he does with all his heart.
Does he want to spend the rest of his life with me? Yes he does.
But like I have always said sometimes LOVE just isn't enough.

Because if he loved me enough then why am I the only one out looking for work...true he is bring in $$$$ but why does it have to be his way there are other ways.

But then at least appreciate the fact that I am out there trying my hardest to find work that will coinside with his life. (Again something I hate trying to do... coninsiding with his lives.)

But to be honest it isn't just the job...it's the stupid little things...
Like never asking me if I am hungry or thursty when he gets something for himself.
Always acting like my money is helping...not ever a little.
And the always so quick to snap...
I am a happy person. I like being happy and giving happiness but when the people closest to me are being ASSHOLES I sometimes cant help myself my but get mean and nasty back. And he does that he goes HOT to Cold in like 2 secs...makes me nuts.

I feel like I am at a cross roads again. Having to make yet another life changing decison but the trick this time is will the guy I am with realise that we are standng at the same cross road together. Or will he think that he walking through life alone like most men do.

Men never relising they have a co-pilote.

Love is the greatest thing it makes the world go around GOD I know wouldn't know how to live my life without my daughter but my love for her is so different...there are things I would do for her that I would never in a million years think of doing for myself-just to survive but for her I wouldn't think twice.

So it has to be more then love...some thing deeper...something relationship are missing now a days because not for nothing there are couples (older...way older) who I have always questioned why they stayed together but they did and it has to be for then love.

Love sometimes isn't enough to be together.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Tis the Season

Well Christmas is less then a week away and I am still unemployed...the bills are piling up and I'm trying to see some kind of silver lining.

I don't know why I can't land a job that would be good for me and my little one. All the jobs that want me either want to pay me next to nothing or they want me to work crazy hour which would make me neglect my daughter's education. Now I know you must be thinking well what about her father. Well her doing homework with him is like when I use to work with my mother and it sucked ass. He doesn't have the patients for her (mostly because he is too self involved with his own personal crap to pay attention hence causing them to fight)

I really need an early X-mas Gift like a job!!!!!!!!

But you know what really burns my ass is that I get a phone call from my older sister calls me (the one who never needs my advice) doing her fake crying about how sad she about not being married not having a child.

I mean how sorry does she want me to feel for her. She has a great job, great credit, a car, a social life. (ok well i have one of those too just not as active cause of lack of $$$$)

How can I feel sorry for her? I am a single mother with no job & no husband give me a fucken break!!!!!

I know there is a reason for everything but God can you please give me a hint because this not working is starting to stress me out and when I get stressed its hard for me to write.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Cant sleep


I said it before I will say it again I look at this man and I sometimes wonder "What the hell goes through his mind?"

I have been up since 5:30am and usually I channel surf one of my favorite pass times (It helps me sleep) but today I couldn't do that...why? Because they shut off my cable.

Now here is were I question him...

He gets mad at me because the cable is $360 (2 months) & I still am not working...(Oh i could have been working by now but at a job where I would be coming home after 6:30pm and i would have to still to homework with the little one and cook-he can't have both-I'vealways said that)

Now for as long as I have been on unemployment (which is like 2 months) its comes once a week and not all that much (not like my pay check) So here is the question why get mad??? And if you have the $$$ why dont you pay it???

No he would rather take me to dinner or a movie...now dont get me wrong I love all that but not until our bills are paid....Hello!

All I know is that work needs to come my way soon because as soon as i start working Im lighting a fire under his ass to get a job as well.

I made it a point that if we were going to get back together I didn't want a repeat of our past & him not working is a repeat because I am already lying about what he's doing & how Im getting by.


Not to mention the slight bit of disappointment I am getting from his lack of enthusiasm of my new found love for passion...I mean crap do I always have to be the one that jumps him...I mean shit 2 months & I am the only one who is looking for work & I'm suppose to be always stay in mood...ha ha ha it's a wonder why I do what I do.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

There are times I could KILL





There are some days that I look at the man that lives with me and think wow he can be so much fun…then there are days like today that I look at him and I want to take a largest frying pan I have a knock him the fuck out.

He can be funny, sweet and fun loving one minute and then just like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde he flips into a rude, selfish asshole.

He acts as in my being unemployed is a fun thing for me…trust is no picnic-I mean don’t get me wrong at first I liked the little vacation from the but now it’s more the vacation from hell now.


When he acts like a dick (there is no other name for him when he acts outs out) then I have to act out cause I don’t I’ll kill him.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

What is wrong with the world today?

I just came back from a meeting at my daughter’s school and am so disappointed in the school system…the teachers blame the board of Ed and to be honest some the blame can fall of them but not all of it. Now a days some teachers just don’t care anymore.

When I was a little girl I was diagnosed with a Learning Disability but back in the early 80’s most people were either considered MR (Mentally Retarded which I hate that word its just people who have a different way there mind works) or Lazy…my father opted for the latter.

So I was taken out of my Grammar school that I had been at since the first grade so in the fifth grade I was put in a public school. I had a teacher that actually took her time out to connect with her students and the things that confused us. In a nutshell she helped me to reprogram my brain so that I can take information in a way that I would learn it way that I would remember. And because she took the time out the work with me I always felt like that nothing could stop not even my learning disability. She was amazing!!!!!

But today I went to school to talk to them about my daughter’s testing scores and at the end of there meeting there only answer for them is to pawn my daughter off to another school to make her someone else’s problem.

I mean they were talking like she will never be able to go to college and she should just learn life skills to she can function in the world. They spoke to me about her having low self esteem my daughter lives with me what the fuck do they know about her esteem. These people who 1 sees her once a week another who sees her every other week. They want to put a label on her that is so not true about (and if she was what they think she is I wouldn’t care but to label her something she isn’t because they don’t want to deal with I won’t allow that).

So before I walked out pissed and so ready to fuck someone up (but I kept my cool) but I told them I was diagnoses with a learning disability and it never stopped me and I refuse to allow anyone to put labels on her to make there life a little simpler.
 

That's I can stand & I can't Stand no more

I am the type of person who can only take Oh so much...I am also the type of person who will try her hardest to bend over backward to help and please a person (the pleasing part I'm trying to change)



But when the holidays roll around it can be a huge weight on my shoulders...I have a sister who hates me (for reasons then other then I was born I have no clue why) and a family who just doesn't get me.



I spent 30 years of my life trying to please them and I can honestly say the last 5 years of my have been the best because they were mine...I turned 35 this year but for the past 5 years I have said to hell with rest of them and what they think. I starting thinking "Shit life is too short for me to make everyone else happy...considering know one is thinking of my happiness"



So this year or rather now towards the end of this year...I have decided to become a little selfish...I am concerned and worried about me (of course and my little girl she is an unconsciousness thought I am a conscience thought)