There is a Reason for everything

I have always believed that everything in life happens for a reason and I mean everything from the good to the bad.
I was telling my girlfriend this morning that exact thing this morning. I don’t know if I have mentioned this in the past but my whole family (meaning my sisters and parents) are moving out of the Bronx and to be honest I was when I first found out pretty pissed off because my younger sister just had a baby and my older sister wants to get pregnant. And I thought what about my daughter but now I honestly don’t care it’s there loss.
And then just the other day I walked out of my office (I work on 36th street) and I was on the busy street of Manhattan and a voice in the street caught my attention. Now allow me to explain it wasn’t this person was calling out to me but he was talking on his phone and for as long as I have known this man he has always been a very soft spoken man. But I still heard him on his cell phone over the city noise.
This man was my childhood best friend’s father-who I have been looking for a few years now and everyone that knows her and I - I would try to get a message to her though them but they never got to her. (growing up they were very jealous of our friendship)
Well anyway running into him I was able to get in contact with his daughter who by the sound of her voice could really use a friend now in her life.
So let my family move away I will make my own family!!!!

I can't help but feel bad...

My daughter's father I have to admit that he is really trying very hard to stay on the straight and narrow. He is going to take on a second job at Crunch fitness. He was all excited about this second that is until he went on his orientation. He has to do 3 times the work then full time job for only $8 and hour.

I told him that I wouldn't be upset if he didn't take the job but he said no he's going to do because our daughter's birthday is at the end of the month and we are a little behind in our bills. I just wish I could find him a job that won't kill him in the process. Or that I could at could make more money so that we didn't have to worry so much.

But I must say that I am proud of him for not going back to his old ways.

WTF

There is a problem with our older generation. This past Sunday my aunt had a b-day BBQ for her daughter for her. And let me tell you it was critics Mica day. First my sisters’ started in on me about my dog who they have only seen once in the year that I have had her that they are going to get me trainer for MY dog. My sisters’ think that my dog is a beast. My poor little Blondie (well she’s not that little being that she’s a pit-bull) ran away on Saturday but thank God I got her back-my older sister actually said good…what a bitch!!!!

Then the cherry on the cake was my father…my family has these friends that they have been friends with for like 40 years and they have this son who I have always felt that he was little slow and what I mean by slow is that he doesn’t hang with anyone his age or older then him (He‘s in his mid-twenties). He doesn’t even hang out with is own brother who’s like maybe 4-5 years younger then him. But for some reason his has this HUGE liking for my 8 year old daughter. I have explained to my daughter time and time again that she doesn’t play with the big boys and that she is not allowed to sit on there laps or she shouldn’t be pick up by them. I have given her every rule no closing the door stuff like that. But this kid no matter if she tells him not to do something he will still do it. And it is very annoying-my daughter told him…

“My mommy and daddy don’t like big boys picking me up.”

You know what he did-he laughed. Now what kind of crap it that.
So my father processed to tell me on Sunday that I have to have a talk with my daughter and what she’s doing isn’t right. Are F**king KIDDING ME!!!!! She’s told him time and time again but it is him who is always looking for her.

I am very proud of my daughter. I strongly believe I am raising a very good girl. She’s still for the age of 8 (going on 9 in August) is into PBS Kids, she doesn’t listen to any of the current music on the radio nor does she watch MTV or crap like that. She polite and sweet and very caring of other. Of course I don’t want anything or anyone to mess with that innocence. But my family treat me as if I have nothing to do with any of that. And I am just oblivious of anything.
I had all the talks with her about not letting anyone touch her private parts no talking to strangers. She is pick up and drop off everyday by family. But yet still they act like I have no clue as to what I am doing.

And my father has the nerve to tell me I have no reason to be offended when he keeps saying I have to do something about MY DAUGHTER!!!! Hello she’s your granddaughter and this is your life long friends kid he should say something to his parents.
I gave my father 3 options:

Options 1 I will have a talk with this kid and if I offend him well that’s not my problem and there is a chance that they could lose there 40 year friendship with his parents because there is no hair on my tongue I will say what I have to say and as long as I get my point across and I am understood then that’s all that matters to me.

Options 2. Is that my mother has a talk with him or his parents and get this crap straightened out. (My mother has away of putting things without hurting people’s feelings

Options 3. We see how the next holiday or family function goes and if he can’t behave himself the family is going to have to choose to either invite them or me and my daughter.

But the only thing that he heard was that “I will NOT be attended the family functions” which I didn’t say.

I don’t feel he should be putting all the responsibility on my 8 year old daughter and he should be shifting it the grown adult that doesn’t understand when you tell me STOP and NO!!!!
So the end result is my father pissed off at me and says that he’s not go to tell me shit anymore and to be perfectly honest I personally don’t give a crap cause if he’s not on mine and my daughter’s side then I have nothing more to say!!!!!!

HELP I AM AT A CROSS ROAD

Well I did something that I think was pretty cool last week. I met my idol Jackie Collins she did a book signing and reading at Chelsea B&N. And I got to tell you that it was the most amazing thing for me. I sat in the 3rd row and the cherry on my cake I took a picture with her it was the greatest!!!!!

And as she talked about herself I realized her and I had a lot in common...and that is when she first started out before any of her books were published she use to have all these stories at least 50 pages into the story and then she would move on. Well I have that same problem I am in the middle of 2 and I really want to finish one of them but I just don't know which one to turn back too. So I am going to throw it out there to blogger friends and maybe be you can tell me which one is more appealing to you.

1. Is titled "Hustler" it's a female criminal she is kind of the female version of Scarface but this story will take place in the Bronx. This story has a lot of sex, drugs, murders.

2. Is titled "Deja vu" it's about a woman who over came a million obstacles to become a successful writer. She has everything she could ever ask for that is until her ex husband is released from jail and she finds that life is repeating it's self again.

The titles may change but that is a breif decription of the two stories I am working on.

So which one should I finish first?

HELP

Jackie Collins & Me

STUPID GAMES

I have always been one of those people that I don’t pass judgment against people; especially my friends. And a lot of my friends come to me for advice. But I have this one friend that I sometime wonder what the hell she is thinking sometimes.

My friend (well she’s my best friend)lets call her Britney (after Spears because she’s holding on this man and at times making a fool of herself). She’s dying for her marriage to end for her husband to leave and she has a lover who if you ask me is playing stupid High School game. One day he calls her then he’ll go weeks without even an email.

I know there much I can say or do to help her see what a great woman she is. She is just going keep on letting these men step all over her. Maybe deep down inside she likes it.

I read somewhere that some women just don’t know how to be in a relationship with being treated like crap…HELL NO!!!! I might have gotten back together with my ex but if he started to be like the man he was in the past I would kick is ass to the curb. Because in my eyes were there is one man there will be another and another!!!!!

MOTHERS

I can say the following statement and mean it from the bottom of my soul…“I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO MY DAUGHTER THE WAY MY MOTHER SPEAKS TO ME!!!”

This past Sunday I decided to have a very small get together for Memorial Day. So I invited Mr. NEW & IMPROVED sister, her husband, my grandmother and aunt…not to mention Mr. NEW & IMPROVED my daughter and myself. I didn’t feel like inviting people over that were going to make me feel like I was walking on egg shells. So I do not even think of inviting my other grandmother…she is one of those people that comes to your house and smiles in your face and then the next day tells everyone how crappy your stuff is. Not to mention she loves to smile in Mr. NEW & IMPROVED but then the next day she’ll call my whole family and say, “Why does she let him be around her and the baby?” You know what the hell do I need that for. I just wanted a nice laid back Sunday.

Instead I was awoken at 10:30am by a phone call by my grandmother (the one I invited). My father called my grandmother to see what she was going to that day and she told him going to my house so I mother got on the phone asking if I invite my other one. (so here is how the conversation went)
My mother: “Did Mica invite my mother?”
Grandma: “I don’t think so”
Mother: “Well you should call her and invite her”
Grandma: “Well I’ll call Mica and ask her it’s not my place to just invite someone”
Mother: “Well I’m sure she invited you because she loves you more then my mother”

So filled with guilt my grandmother calls me and told what my mother said. So I call my mother because honestly what right does my mother have to say “Invite this one and that one?” So our conversation went like this:

Me: “Mom why did you call grandma making her feel guilty and why are you inviting people over to MY house without speaking to me first?”
Mother: “Well I was only say the truth”
Me: “No you weren’t you know I love them same but your mother loves to talk crap and I don’t have the house ready yet…ie: no patio furniture, no real grill (I picked a cheap $12 one) and Mr. NEW & IMPROVED and his sister will be there and I don’t wan to hear crap.
Mother: “You are so selfish and fucked up!”

So from fucked up and selfish her and I just started yelling at each other and the conversation end with us hanging up on each other.

My grandmother is the way she is because of my mother and here is why my mother is a very nosy woman she loves to send people over to my house to see if they see anything that they can report back to her with.

Now what really pisses me off is that my mother wouldn’t pull this shit on my other sisters because my sisters will tell her were to go and draw her picture and never feel bad.
Nope not me I always end up feeling sorry so of course the end result was I invited my other grandmother…and I have no idea if she’s saying anything because I haven’t spoken to my mother since Sunday.

Oh and here’s the kicker-after all was said and done my aunt call my mother to tell her that I invited my grandmother my mother says “Oh good now I can go to the Poconos” she just started that whole thing so she didn’t have to take her mother with her. And I’m selfish.
I know that when my parents move to Brewster my grandmothers will become MY responsibility.

LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX BABY

(I AM ABOUT TO GET VERY PERSONAL RIGHT NOT!!!!)

I don’t know if it’s just me or what…before my daughter was born sex was something I couldn’t get enough of. My friends would joke that I was like a rabbit. Which to some point I was (except for the million babies) but not lately I am just always tired.

Now it pisses Mr. New & Improved because he’s a nympho and wants it all the time. How do you get a man to understand that you’ve lost your tickle? But an even better question is how do you get it back? Maybe I lost it because I put on a few pounds or maybe my diet needs to change or maybe I need a little bit more help around the house. I don't know????

I wanted to get my tubes tied because I am 100% sure that I do not want anymore kids but then as I started doing some research there is this thing called “Post tubal SYNDROME” and all need is another problem with my body... after my daughter was born I put that birth control “Norplant” in my arm which in turn reversed my period causing me to bleed for like three weeks and like not have my period for 1 week and it sucked.

SYMPTOMS OF POST TUBAL SYNDROME
1. Eptopic pregnancy or pregnancy (well known risk of tubals)
2. Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling, chills
3. Bouts of rapid heart beat
4. Irritability
5. Mood swings, sudden tears
6. Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)
7. Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles
8. Loss of libido (see note)
9. Dry vagina (see note)
10. Itchy vagina-at time raw like, can radiated from whole area, with absence of yeast infections. (see note)
11. Color change in vaginal area. (color gets darker -darker red to purple)
12. Crashing fatigue - Chronic Fatigue
13. Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
14. Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom (see note)
15. Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
16. Disturbing memory lapses
17. Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence (see note)
18. Prolapse of uterus do to rapid decrease in estrogen levels.
19. Itchy, crawly skin (see note)
20. Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons (see note)
21. Increased tension in muscles
22. Breast tenderness
23. Decrease in breast mass
24. Headache change: increase or decrease
25. Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
26. Sudden bouts of bloat
27. Depression (see note)
28. Exacerbation of existing conditions
29. Allergies developing or increasing - (Chronic sinusitis).
30 Nasal infections-necessitating antibiotics
31. Weight gain (see note)
32. Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
33. Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
34. Changes in body odor
35. Electric shock or stabbing sensation under the skin. (see note)
36. Tingling in the extremities, (see note)
37. Gum problems, increased bleeding
38. Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor (see notes)
39. Osteoporosis (after several years )
40. Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier
41. Stabbing pains in pelvic area at time of ovulation 42. Pelvic Pain 43. Development of Adenomyosis
44. Development of Ovarian/Tubal Cysts
45. Decreased Lactation Ability

So I really don’t want to do anything else to me that might cause my hormones to go crazy again. But I do hate the fact that I am always tired. I am waiting for my insurance to kick back into effect because although I have HUGE fear of doctors (I have a fear that once everything is going good in my life like now I’ll go to the doctor and find out something is wrong…I know pretty childish) I have to find out what is wrong with me. And pray and hope that it’s something small like:

1. anaemia - which is very common in women, because of iron loss during their periods (and in childbirth).
2. Anxiety (cause let's face it if I am always worried it hard to want sex let alone feel sexy)
3. post-baby coolness (PBC): this is the term coined for the extremely common loss of libido that occurs after childbirth. It is almost certainly linked to the violent changes in hormones that occur at this time, though oddly enough, no clear-cut changes in hormones have ever been identified. The general trauma of childbirth also plays a part - and after having a baby, many women are simply too exhausted to think about sex! (I found PBC on the internet)

Happy Mother’s Day!!!!!

That goes to all even the ones who are Mother’s to the nieces, nephews; pets too.
My mother’s day was good and relaxing-well me correct that it started off relaxing then I went to my mother’s and my sisters were there. And when ever they are around them I always feel like I’m eggshells. Because they always have stupid to say to me about everything when it comes to me.
But this time it was my parents who hit me in the gut with something that I wasn’t expecting. My parents told me that before the end of the year that they might be moving up to Brewster NY. And to be honest with you the idea of them moving up there don’t make me the least bit happy and I will explain why…
First my older sister moved out to Westchester somewhere deep out there. My younger sister who is like 6 or 7 months pregnant is going to move out Connecticut once the baby is like a few months old. Which it is safe to say that I will not be getting to know my little nephew because as it is she lives only like 10 blocks from me now and never see her of hear from her. And now my parents want to move to Brewster.
Well as long as I have my grandmother screw it let them move away.

The IRS SUCKS BIG HAIRY BALLS!!!!

Have you ever really needed something really bad and the more you needed it the slower it came to you?
Well that’s me right now. I was audited this year for my EIC (Earned Income Credit) which by the way is only $1155.00 dollars. I know people who put other people's SS numbers so they can get more money from the IRS and nothing happens to them but people like me who file what they are suppose to be filing get audited.
Now I have to wait 60-90 days to get the money and it is really pissing me off.
It really isn’t fair

SUPER MOM

There are days that I feel that there just isn’t enough time in the day for anything. I come home from some days and wonder were did all my time go.

I put in 6 hours a day in the city.

At least 3-4 hours at home the Diva School

Not to mention my mommy time-which I feel sometimes isn’t enough

And I have to try and make time Mr. New (The old MR. JERKOFF).

Once my life is a little bit more stable I am going on vacation. Not like I can far by I jut want a weekend of no “Mommy, mommy, mommy” or the cell phone ring all day and all night.

I'M BACK SORRY I'VE BEEN GONE SO LONG

Everything has in my life has changed and I must for the better. I’ll start with my job…well for those of you have followed my blog page I left the Wine Company. After getting slapped in the face a few time (figuratively speaking) I finally realized that my talents weren’t really appreciated there. And to my ex boss I was just another girl who he cared about was the sales guys only. But what he failed to realize was that I helped his sales force. It was me that created all the new Point of Sales and now who was going to it not his wife or the other new girl they both have a hard tome opening emails. There’s no way they could do what I did on Publisher.

I was out of work for a little while but I soon found my current job…which I love by the way. I am currently working for a construction company in the city. I am the owner’s personal assistant. Right now I work out of his home, the hours are good and the pay is good-I’m even allowed to bring my daughter to work with me if need be. Can’t any better then that?
I have also moved from old apartment and I am now renting a house in Throggs Neck (I know the famous question is “What the hell is a Throggs anyway?” Answer I have no idea). I just moved in about a week ago and I must that is great I feel such freedom and my daughter loves it cause I now have a back yard; which my dog loves too. My goal is to it buy hopefully next year.
The novel that I have been working took another turn so I am still working on it but I realized that there is a different story to tell. I want my novel to be Urban but not to street.
And not the final new different thing in my life…(Drum Roll Please lol) Mr. JERK-OFF is no longer MR. JERK-OFF (for those who just found my page MR. JERK-OFF is my daughter’s father). He’s in therapy now, has a job (people don’t fall out of your seats either) his job is on the books and he’s in the union.
He came to me last year (after and I guess through therapy he realized all the things the he did wrong to me and how doing all those thing affected our daughter. He told me that he learned after losing her (our daughter) for a year really put some perspective in his life.
But of course I wasn’t going to just take his word for it. So he has spent the last year proving to me how he has changed. He actually reminds me of the man that met 11 years ago. (damn that sounds soooo long ago lol)
So after about 9 months of him proving himself to me he took me out on a date and we have been dating since. As a matter of fact we are renting the house together and not to jinx myself but incase things don’t work I can still afford the place on my own.
I haven’t told my family yet that him have reconciled. And the reason why I haven’t is because my mother told me that if I ever wanted to get back together with him I would have to choose between the family or him. And to be honest I really shouldn’t have to. I mean I could see if he was doing the same this as before but he’s a changed man…a working man. But I did tell him if I ever find out that he went back to his old life out the door he goes.
So I am happy and everything right now is new and I love NEW!!!!

Day one of 2007

Today was the first day of 07 and I did get some writing done and ate some left overs. And at about 8pm something hit....



AM I JUST REPEATING EVERY DAY????



Life has been a little crazy for me...in 06 I was dealing with COCKBLOCKER and it is looking like he is getting to my boss because the other day he told me (CB) that we weren't going to do any wine tastings in January. I just think that they want me to get scared of how am i going to pay my bills and quit and find another job.



I being this up because I was wondering if I am working hard enough for me and my dreams for me and my daughter.





Am I doing enough? Am I SEIZING each day?



And a part of me is thinking "No"