Thursday, February 17, 2005


I woke up the other day and I realized that all the blame that I may throw at MR. JERKOFF maybe well deserved but I should also throw some blame my way as well. Not that I have any fault in the stupid chooses he I am at fault for believing any of his bull crap promises.

Loving my daughter has nothing to with him. I honestly tried to make things work and all he ever wants to do is not except responsibility for anything. To be perfectly honest I really don't believe that he ever loved me at all because if he did he wouldn't be so cruel and hateful.

So from this day forward I will do what I need to do to make my life work for my Angel & me. She needs at least one good role model in her life. And if there is one lesson I will teach my daughter is will be "TO NEVER ALLOW A MAN TO TREAT YOU AS IF YOU ARE BENEATH HIM."

Monday, February 14, 2005


I have been doing some thinking lately mostly about everything that is going on in my life and this voice in my head tells me to BE STRONG. But I wonder in being strong do you have to give up a part of yourself? Do you have to compromise a piece of your soul?
I spoke to MR. JERKOFF over the weekend and to my amazement he is expect sympathy or even empathy from me. I asked him how can he expect any if that from me when he just turned my life and our daughter’s life upside down. And he did it all without even a thought about how his daughter would feel about spending time without her father. Because the end result is that he most like going to have to do some jail time and even 6 months is going to be a lot for my daughter to deal with.

I got the lecture last night again from my family about how of course I want to get married and have another baby. They just don’t believe me when I say I know in my heart; in my gut that I will never get married and as for more babies that won’t happen either. I love my daughter with all my heart but I never want to go through of that again for me it wasn’t fun.

I have explained over and over how no man will be staying in my home. I don’t want her getting close to any man that might get involved with me. For me my personal life is my personal life and I don’t want man intruding on my daughter and mine’s time either.
I will be the first to admit YES I do have trust issues but I would rather have trust issues then allow the possibility of some guy coming into my home taking advantage of little Angel.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Everything Happens For A Reason

I am sitting back today looking at this whole that MR. JERKOFF got himself into and I am amazed and to honest shocked. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that one day he would wake up and do the right thing by his daughter and I know that some where inside me I might have been thinking that maybe for me too.

But after this I know that the premonition I had when I was 16 years old was a glimpse of the future and it was me single with a little girl.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Never A Dull Moment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so pissed off right now. I really don’t know what to feel right. I am angry and disappointed and really I shouldn’t be surprised… but I am.

I have spent pretty much the entire afternoon trying to help MR. JERKOFF because MR. JERKOFF got himself arrested for what I am not really sure but every time I have called to check on him to see if I can get information …the charges get worse.

I feel horrible for him; MR. JERKOFF’S best friend said that I must still have feelings for him and my answer was “LOVE; NO… COMPASSION BECAUSE OF MY DAUGHTER YES.”

The whole thing doesn’t make sense to me. And I am mostly pissed off because the amount of times that my little Angel asked for him today because it was his day to pick her up from school. And it broke my heart and to be honest I really don’t have good feeling about this whole thing and his court problem. And if it goes bad it will break my daughter’s heart.

Fucking Asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

If You Have Nothing Nice To Say; Say Nothing

It’s funny no matter how hard I work at being the bigger person my sisters can still find ways to fault me.

Once I had my little Angel my priorities changed working 9-5 was not something I wanted. I wanted to be home with my little one. I wanted to be able to be home for her to do her homework with her & to be able to get her ready for school with out having to rush her or make her eat in school because I have to be work by 9am. I knew that I needed my own money but going down town and dealing with traffic and commuting was not something I wanted.

Bartending is something that I have under my belt to fall back on and I usually make pretty good money at it. But it can be an “ifie” business so when I got the job that I am at now I jumped at it and I am still here 3 years later. My part time job pays me enough to pay all my household bills but leaves nothing for me that is why I am going to get back into bartending on the weekends.

And this whole thing came out because MR.JERKOFF who keeps bugging the shit out of me. But of course if I had a full time job things would be different. Honestly I don’t see how it would make a difference.

My sisters are the type of people that say what ever they want; they have never the saying “If you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything.”

Sunday, February 06, 2005

I'd Be An Idiot To Look Back

As I look at my broken door right now I still feel a little disappointed and hurt as crazy as that sounds. There was this small part of me deep down inside that hoped that he had changed. That he wasn’t he same man that he keeps showing me. But he is still the same man that insults me and calls me names and has no respect. I have to remind myself to stop feeling soft for him because he sure as hell doesn’t feel any softness for me. I guess I’m not such a “Male Bashing Wanta BE Lesbian” after all.

I am pissed the he thinks that I am slut because I got a call back from a bar and it just happened to be a strip club. Now I am a slut who has a million men in an out of her apartment.(his words not mine) I can’t deal with him anymore and to be honest I really don’t want to either.

The sucky thing is that now he will play dirty! Here we go court!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!