Monday, November 29, 2004

In The Beginning

There are so many things that I need to do that my mind goes crazy thinking about it. I can’t sleep at night because my mind won’t let me rest.
I need to quit smoking
I need to get my bills & my finances in order
I need to get my novel on its way. Maybe not finished but on its way.
I need to get my daughter ready for first grade & make myself in to best mother and role model I can be.
I need to make my apartment into a home for my daughter and me.
I need to get over expecting her father to help us.
I need to help for my daughter & myself to have a life that is little bit more comfortable for us.

And I need to get this all done for and by my 30th birthday. Not in any particular order but I know that I’ve given myself until the day after my birthday the (which is the 11th) to quit smoking; which in reality gives me around 120 days. The number is depressing because it feels like it tomorrow. As it is right now I am so broke so I paid my rent late and I still have no phone or cable in my house. I have the worse case of writer’ block and my laptop broke. I have so much shit all over the place and no money to buy the things that I need to get my stuff in order. Now you see why I am waiting until the day after my birthday to quit smoking.

My heart and my gut tells me that I can do it…but so many things get in my way it makes me want to scream. My plan is that I will get myself out of this so I want to through a small party for myself for my 30th; to celebrate my day all that I have accomplished. But like today my heart is heavy and mind is spinning. I know a lot of women who are not in relationships with a child’s father and the parent’s work together to provide a good life for their child. I don’t have that. I have a man who claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But how can I spend the rest of my life with a man that sees me struggling and does not offer to help me. I have fallen on hard times in my apartment before and I’ve only asked him for help once. But he acts like I beg him for money all the time. I know that if I had it and he needed it (which he has) I would help me.

As a woman I find it wrong to ask for help from your when it is so obvious that you need it; especially when my daughter is his daughter. He sometimes makes me feel like he’s not her father and just some guy I’m dating. So the why am I with him? I ask myself that everyday and the only answer that I can come up with is because I had to give him one more chance for my daughter’s sake and myself so that I wouldn’t ask myself later on in life “WHAT IF?”

3 comments:

Becca said...

I can't begin to understand so I won't pretend I do. But you inspire me with your goals and for some reason that might just seem like an immature girl's pointless thoughts to you, I wanted to say that I believe you can do it - especially as your heart and gut say you can. I've never posted a comment on a blog before - and I don't even know you - but yours was special. Unlike anything that moved me before. I hope you find and keep the strength you need to reach your goals.

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