Wednesday, May 18, 2005

WHEN I GAVE BIRTH; SHE TOOK ALL MY LOVE FOR HIM WITH HER

My blog is a release for me…away of me being honest with myself. And I think now more then ever I need to be honest.
There is this thing about me that has always been there (I know that I am not as bad as I was when I was teenager) I have this thing with taking a lot of shit from the men I fall in love with and some girlfriends that I have had…I allow them to walk all over me and shit on me in the process.
My first boyfriend (well real boyfriend) could be an abusive asshole; sometime physical but mostly emotional & mentally. I let him get away with it for 5 years. Yes, there was something seriously wrong with me. I cried and I suffered so and every time I swore I would never go back and never look back.
Well of course in time I gave up on that first disaster and just found a different bread of assholes. But I can say this for myself not a single one not ever after my first nightmare boyfriend put a hand on me and if any every tried they never got the chance again and they never forgot me either.
With every bit of fiber and life in me there is nothing I would love to do more then beat the living crap out of MR. JERKOFF. And I know should I kick his sorry ass out of my house and there is this huge part of the wishes I could go the rest of my life with out every having to deal with him again. Because honestly I can’t stand him.
But then I look at my daughter and she tells me about her day with him on a class trip or a visit to the park. Or I watch him reading her a bed time story and my heart goes out to my daughter because I know how much she loves him and I know I have to do right by her.
My daughter is the most important person in my life and I don’t have the right to take him a way from her. I know that he is the biggest asshole and liar to me but that’s not what is important. I have to be the best parent for her and allow her to make her own mind up about her father. And as long as I don’t get my feeling of compassion confused with love (which I know I won’t it’s just something I tell him; not to confuse my feelings of compassion) I am fine. There is no second chance for us. I know this my heart has had all it can take.

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