Monday, November 14, 2005

MISSING IN ACTION

My mind has running like crazy.

My blog buddy Jayce asked some time back what it's like to be a single mother living in New York City. Well I‘ll tell ya…it can sometimes suck really bad and be very stressful but mostly lonely.

It can sucks really bad because know one knows what you go through…know one can put themselves in your shoes even though everyone swears they know what you are going through. They sometimes can’t understand why your broke.

Stressfully because all of our days run into each other and there's never enough hours in the day for us. Money sometimes seems to be at times nonexistent. Stressful because everyone swears that they know how to raise your child better then you do.

Lonely because in the end a single mother’s day to day life can be a little overwhelming for the person in your life that has no children and can’t understand were the exhaustion comes from.

There are times when I close my eyes and see this vision of myself and another life it is so clear and it isn’t a life of riches beyond my wildest dreams or a man that completes me because to be honest I feel pretty whole. But of a life that is calm and some what peaceful for my little one & me.

I have this thought of my life "stress and worry are my wall that keeps the life that see in my dreams so clear and negative thoughts and wishes are the beams that keep it standing. But like any other wall I know that it can come down I just have to find the right tool to knock it down. And for me that is what is so discouraging."

I believe that I don’t win things like the lottery because things like that are for people who need a little luck handed to them and in my case I have always believed myself to be a pretty lucky person. I have been known to create my own luck at times.

All of these thoughts come from the fact that I have a house guest (and no it’s not MR. JERK-OFF I’d have to be crazy to do that) this time it’s family and well my house isn’t big enough and now I feel like I can’t breath. The purpose for this family member moving in was to help me with the rent notice I said “purpose” because to be honest it isn’t any helping.

I have to move out my apartment this April for a few reasons:
1.) The rent is going up in April and with out my child support I will never be able to pay it.

2.) I hate the fact that MR. JERK-OFF has such an easy way of watching me -keeping tabs

3.) To much negative – bad things have happened here I need a fresh start (AGAIN)

I just hate the fact that I just settled in.

9 comments:

Jaycei said...

Have you ever thought about moving to a different city where things are more affordable?

I am not especially fond of Indiana (where I live) but you could get an apartment, 2 bedroom, decent backyard for under $500 a month. Of course that means wages go down, but I KNOW how unreasonable NYC is.

Keep your chin up.

Hugs.

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