I AM FEELING A LITTLE BLUE TODAY

I got some bad news today...I found out that the woman that raised me, that loved me know matter what I did has Stage 4 Bone Cancer.

My grandmother has been my rock my whole life. Now she doesn't look sick nor does she have any of the symptoms which is very good because with the exception of this she is as healthy as a horse.

I adore my grandmother and this whole thing is pissing me off; it's not fair I still haven't gotten over my grandfather's passing yet.

I thank God that my daughter was too young to understand but miss him she did. Even though she was only 2 when he passed you could see it in her eyes her looking for him and she would stair at his picture on the wall in awe.

My little girl is so close to my grandmother like I was when I was a little girl.

WHEN I GAVE BIRTH; SHE TOOK ALL MY LOVE FOR HIM WITH HER

My blog is a release for me…away of me being honest with myself. And I think now more then ever I need to be honest.
There is this thing about me that has always been there (I know that I am not as bad as I was when I was teenager) I have this thing with taking a lot of shit from the men I fall in love with and some girlfriends that I have had…I allow them to walk all over me and shit on me in the process.
My first boyfriend (well real boyfriend) could be an abusive asshole; sometime physical but mostly emotional & mentally. I let him get away with it for 5 years. Yes, there was something seriously wrong with me. I cried and I suffered so and every time I swore I would never go back and never look back.
Well of course in time I gave up on that first disaster and just found a different bread of assholes. But I can say this for myself not a single one not ever after my first nightmare boyfriend put a hand on me and if any every tried they never got the chance again and they never forgot me either.
With every bit of fiber and life in me there is nothing I would love to do more then beat the living crap out of MR. JERKOFF. And I know should I kick his sorry ass out of my house and there is this huge part of the wishes I could go the rest of my life with out every having to deal with him again. Because honestly I can’t stand him.
But then I look at my daughter and she tells me about her day with him on a class trip or a visit to the park. Or I watch him reading her a bed time story and my heart goes out to my daughter because I know how much she loves him and I know I have to do right by her.
My daughter is the most important person in my life and I don’t have the right to take him a way from her. I know that he is the biggest asshole and liar to me but that’s not what is important. I have to be the best parent for her and allow her to make her own mind up about her father. And as long as I don’t get my feeling of compassion confused with love (which I know I won’t it’s just something I tell him; not to confuse my feelings of compassion) I am fine. There is no second chance for us. I know this my heart has had all it can take.

STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES

He must really think that I am stupid or just to best simple about things he has no respect for me!!!!! It really is that simple. My house guest from hell is staying with me because he landed himself into some trouble with the law. Which when that happened wasn’t the reason why he started staying with me. His personal legal problems don’t mean shit to me. But it’s what happened two days before he got arrested which is why I opened my door to him. I mentioned a while ago the he is a big baby and one day he was having a temper tantrum and kicked in my front door. I called the cops and 3 months later yes 3 moths later they come knocking on my door to arrest him two days after he arrested for some stupid drug thing. Now this is how stupid the cops in my neighborhood are why knock on my door when he wasn’t living there and said so on the report.
So since he has been staying here he’s slept in our daughter’s room on the floor because neither I or our little one is giving up one of our beds not for him. So the whole time he’s been here he has been telling me how broke he is and how he can’t ever afford his apartment. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
Well one night he walked into my house drunk and cranky. He throws his jacket on my living room sofa. There was something inside me that told me to look in his pockets. And as sure as shit I found a big bag of weed and a knot of money. What a lying piece of shit I know what he thinks that if he stays here long enough I’ll fall weak to him and give in and sleep with him. Well he has another thing coming and he truly needs to be taught a lesson. I am just not sure how. I do know that I am sure tired of always fighting with him it’s unhealthy for my daughter and for me as well.
But honestly he is truly stupid if he thought I wasn’t going to find out. And the real pitiful thing about him is that he still to this day hasn’t figured out that it is all the lying that he’s done over the years that was part of the reason and one of the biggest problems which was the result of our demise. Nine years later and he still doesn’t get. That is why I say a lesson needs to be taught.

THE MOVING IS COMPLETELY OVER

THANK GOD!!!!!

As much as I like living in new places I wish that moving wasn't such a pain in the ass.

Now I am counting the days until the summer and my daughter's school to go on vacation; I need some Adult time. Because honestly for 10 months my world revolves around my daughter. It's true I have the weekends off cause she goes to my grandmother's. But in the summer if I want to make last minute plans to have drinks in the city on a Wednesday night I can without any worries.

The other thing is I have to find a bartending gig this summer. I really don't want to do that because that means giving up my weekends so I am hoping that my writing career takes off.

I am working on a new blog this is fictional. When I get up and running I will have a link for it.

ALL ABOUT ME

I have spent far too much time paying attention to what my JERK-OFF houseguest wants and needs (because that's just me I am just a softy at heart). And to be honest that has always been my problem; like my Blogger Buddy "Z" I am too nice and true to life some time the nice guy does finish last but that's because we don't play dirty like the bad guys do. We actually care about people and there feelings.

And I know that there is nothing I can do about my heart because it will always go out to those I care about even those they my not deserve it but it's high time I put myself first!!!!!

Shit everyone else does and so should I.

There is no way that MR. JERK-OFF and I will ever get back together and my gut tells me that he will never change no matter how nice he tries to be to me.

The fact of the matter is the he has never had any respect for my writing or for my mind for the matter and as the years go on I loss more and more respect for him.

So I have to get back and again as my Blogg buddy "Z" said "Shit or get off the Pot" if I want my novel to get pick up by birthday.

It's about me now!!!!!!

M.I.A BECAUSE OF MOVING

I haven’ t written in a few days because I have been moving from one place to another and right now I am about 95% done. My houseguest from hell has been helping me.

Shit he should do something considering I am letting him crash but I know that even though I am helping him out with his situations he will still find away to throw in my face how he helped me move and my family wasn’t there for me. BLAH, BLAH like he’s done so much for me. I know this because that is the kind of man that he is.

He also thinks that because he helped me move that I should feel comfortable enough to let him waltz around my apartment while I am at work. Now I know he’s nuts because while he was suppose to be helping me move he was busted more then once and not just by me read my things, reading personal things that I had written and I am suppose to give him the keys to my house. YUP HE’S NUTS!!!! Reading my personal private shit is one of the main reasons why I can’t be with him I can’t trust him he’s sneaky.

It’s time for him to leave and might sound fucked up considering he helped me move and everything but I won’t be guilt tripped in my own home.