THIS SONG IS LIKE THE STORY OF ME AND MR. JERK-OFF

PAPA ROACH LYRICS
"Scars"
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane All I can say is
[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
[Chorus]
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

THEY SAY YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERYDAY

I am so angry today...angry, shocked and amazed. And like I aways say there is never a dull moment in my life!!!!

Well, last Thursday MR. JERK-OFF got arrested the cops finally found him when he was on his way to pick my daughter from school. And all this happened in front of his mother so she practically had a nervous break down and came running to get me so that I could go pick up my daughter because the school will not release my daughter to her. HELL NO THAT LADY IS NUTS!!!!

So my daughter sees that her grandmother is all upset and she doesn't see her father so of course my daughter began asking questions. She had nightmares all night thinking of her father and no I didn't tell her that he got arrested. But she knew something was up considering how her grandmother was acting and he wasn't there to pick her up like he told he would.

So between my daughter's nightmare and his mother's emotional fit I had to do the right thing and help to bail him out. And thank God he was released on ROR so no money had to be put up for him. I dropped the burgarly charges cause I got my stuff back BUT I DID NOT DROP THE ASSAULT CHARGES NO THAT HE HAS TO ANSWER FOR!!!!

I actually hoped that maybe because he spent a few nights in jail it would make him open his eyes but of course it didn't because as soon as he got out he tried to make me feel guilty by describing the whole experience which IT DIDN'T WORK.

Him and his mother actually wanted me to say that I made up the whole thing about him stealing my computer and the he took it to upgrade it and the night that he hurt me was my fault he was just defending himself against me. THEY ARE BOTH FUCKING INSANE!!!!! AND OF COURSE I SAID HELL NO!!!!!

Now I find out days later that the whole time he was giving me hard time about the guy that I am dating he has been fucking this girl that I know not a friend of mine but a girl I know. And he was also fucking an ex girl friend behind my back while we were together.

WHAT A FUCKEN HYPOCRITE!!!!!

He knows that I found out about the girl that I know and he swears that it's not true; ya like I am ever suppose to belive another word that comes out of his mouth again.

I always thought that the reason why he was so crazy obsessed with me was because he really loved me cause I was his first real girlfriend and because we have a child together...

I now realize that he just a child who don't know how to give up something he know longer has!!!

I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET MY LIFE BACK

It funny what your mind and body goes through when someone has invaded you privacy . My mother and aunt came over the other day and helped reorganize my apartment and try to make mine again.

At least I got my computer back but now it feels a little alien to me like it's not mine. I still feel like he can see everything I'm doing everything I am typing. I know that's not possible.

I know one day I'll be fine. I am looking forward to this weekend I plan on just hanging home enjoying the silence.

And in case anyone is wondering No the cops haven't gotten him yet...Why cause the cops by my house suck.

And sorry it took me so long for me post again I have been too crazy to sit and write.

@#$$%%$&$

I HAVE NEVER HATED ANYONE AS MUCH AS I HATE MY DAUGHTER'S FATHER!!!!!!!!

THE JERK-OFF BROKE INTO MY APARTMENT AND STOLE MY COMPUTER AND CAMERA THAT I USE FOR THE PAPER. THE COMPUTER THAT MY DAUGHTER USES TO PLAY HER GAMES ON; WERE SHE GOES TO PLAY ONLINE AT NICK.COM.

I HAVE THE WHOLE 45 PERCIANT LOOKING FOR HIM.

I WILL MAKE HIM PAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW STUPID CAN SOME PEOPLE BE

I gave the JERK-OFF a chance to pay his child support with out having to go to court like we had been doing before…but no he wants to be stupid and take me to court. You know what I say “TAKE ME TO COURT!!!!!!” He thinks that the fact he has a tape of me having phone sex with some I am seeing is grounds to I don’t know make me a bad mother.

How? Really?
I was home alone my daughter was at my grandmother’s house and it was a Friday night so it wasn’t like I didn’t have her and it was school night!!!!!

He is the biggest FUCKEN IDIOT and I have an appointment to see my lawyer on Thursday. YES THIS THURSDAY!!!!!!!!

Now let’s see what he’s done???
1.) HE is a drug dealer with a Felony drug charge pending in Westchester County
2.) HE illegally bugged my room
3.) HE broke my front door
4.) HE assaulted me and now the cops are looking for him now.
5.) HE has a record
6.) HE has know place to live.
7.) HE is using someone else’s name IDENTIY FRAUD
8.) HE hacked into my email account again ILLEGAL

And I had
1.) Phone sex with someone I am seeing when I was home alone
2.) And I write erotic fiction

WOW BAD MOMMY!!!!!!

WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVERYDAY IS A NEW DAY

And I swear that is so true; yesterday when I was typing up my entry I was feeling a little vulnerable ; beaten. But today I am feeling a whole hell of a lot better I feel much more in control.

Now my mind is going crazy thinking of ways that I can make some extra money; so that me and my daughter can have a fun summer without me having to be away from her the whole day. I know that I will figure this out in time until then I am just going to keep writing and I HAVE TO, HAVE TO, HAVE TO start working again just in case I do have to start bartending again I need the body again.

I made an appointment for myself for the doctor so I can get a physical and next is the OBGYN I haven’t gone since I turned 30 and I will be 31 in 2 ½ - 3 months. And those things are on my list to do before I turn 31 that and finishing my book. WOW time flies. I have to get cracken.

FOOL ME ONCE SHAME ON YOU; FOOL ME TWICE SHAME ON ME, FOOL ME THREE TIME WHAT A FOOL I AM

Well MR. JERK-OFF has finally left the building but not after throwing me around my kitchen first. YUP stupid me, the one with the heart the never stops giving got thrown around like a ragdoll on Saturday.

I met a guy finally that is some what looking for the same thing that I am looking for; no real attachments, fun and maybe a little sex. Now I have gone with out sex for a little over 8 months since my birthday and it was so not that great that I can barely remember it. Anyway, I have been talking to him, emailing him for about a month now and last week we meet up for a drink and to be honest we had real chemistry. It was nice. So since that day we have been talking more and emailing more and chatting on line.

On Friday night, when I was home alone my new friend called and our conversation at one point became very heated and we were having phone sex. Yes people still do that. ; )

We were suppose to hook up on Saturday and hang and if anything happened well shit I am a grown 30 year old woman why can't have sex if I wanted too...Anyway I went to get my hair done and while I was there JERK-OFF called and said that he had to change his clothing before I went out so I thought nothing of it and told him to hurry up and and just bring me back my keys before I left. Well 15 minutes later I called him because he had a attitude and I didn't know why?

Well MR. JERK then tells me that he heard my inter conversation last night on the phone with my new friend. Well, him being in my house I hauled ass out of there and went home as quick as possible so he would destroy my house.

I get there we argue about what I said...He then tells me that he had my bedroom bugged. (I know this sounds like a movie but it's not it's my life)

So I ask him what bothers him more the fact the I don't him or that I want someone else and that's when he grabbed me by the neck and began chocking me and throwing me around my kitchen by my neck. So to defend myself I grabbed a knife which he managed to get out of my hand. He finally left when my mother called and she heard the whole thing.

So all night Saturday he called (which I refused to answer) and left me about a half a million messages repeating what I was saying to my new friend and calling me whore and slut cause there was the thought of me going to have sex with.

On Sunday he decided to have one of his computer hacking friends go into the one and only email account that he knows and change my password so that now I can not get into it and it's not ever the one that my new friend has. But in changing my email password he couldn't resist and read my emails now he calls me all day Sunday leaving me messages of some emails that were sent to me way over a year ago from and ex of mine that I was with before MR. JERK-OFF were even together. And now I am a liar for those too and to be honest as he read them to me I had NO IDEA what the hell he was talking about. Then emails were not familiar at all.

So I went to the cops and filed a complaint against him for the assault. They had to take pictures of all my bruises which was rather humiliating. They are suppose to be arresting him soon on a class 3 assault.

The thing that kills me is that I feel guilty about going to the cops because of my daughter because as it is she has been asking for him already. Now if this was one of my girlfriends I would be the first one to say "GO TO THE COPS BEFORE SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS".

So where do I get this guilty disposition from; maybe because my father said it was my fault for helping him in the first place or from my mother who said maybe it was a little too soon to start anything up with anyone (8 months later) or from MR. JERK-OFF'S mother who says that I had no right to pull out a knife on him or maybe because my daughter gives me the most saddest eyes in the world when she asks for him.

But honestly doesn't my safety come first?

And Now I am start to contemplate whether or not I want to keep my new friend even though he is really nice and can put a smile on my face and I am really attracted to him.

How can I be wrong for being SEXUALLY INDEPENDENT if my most of my writing is about SEXUAL INDEPENDENCE ANYWAY? Don't I have a right to be myself?

MR. JERK-OFF claims to have put me on a pedestal I never asked him too and there has been countless times that he has broken my heart. I am proud of the fact that I didn't try and defend myself by throwing in his face how all he sleeps with is strippers or how he has lost the condom is few of them.

I am sooooo pissed but writing this made me feel a lot better.

And like I always say "NEVER A DULL MOMENT"

THE TIME HAS COME

I have to stop thinking that my job is going to take me anywhere. My job is just like my idiot JERK-OFF ex going know where.

The girl that works with me could be on my side and see that I am just a single mother struggling to stay a float. But instead she would rather be jealous of me and try her hardest to fuck me out any money that I can get my hands on.

I like my boss and I love my job he works with me and understands when I have to leave early because of my daughter. He knows that the next day I’ll come in early and stay late to make up my time and finish my work and she hates that. And it’s not even like she doesn’t come and go as she pleases and know one says shit to her; so why should it bother when our boss allows me to do it.

I have to find a part time job I have 4 weeks to toned up incase (which I really don’t want to do) I have to go back to bartending.


THERE IS NEVER A DULL MOMENT IN A SINGLE MOTHER’S LIFE!!!!