MY MIND IS SPINNING

And this what I meant the other day when I said "stress and worry are my wall that keeps the life that see in my dreams so clear and negative thoughts and wishes are the beams that keep it standing"

There is this part of me that feels like MR. JERK-OFF is home with his witch of a mother (I mean that literally not figuratively) sit there together sending negitve thoughts to me.

I PRAY FOR MORE STRENGTH BECAUSE I KNOW THEY SAY WHAT DOESN'T KILLYOU MAKES YOU STRONGER. I JUST WANT PEACE!!!!!!

I HAVE HAD IT

I am so tired of all the crap that I have to go through. And what’s my way of releasing any stress any frustration…well I have no way!!!! Not even my bed buddy is helpful because he can stress me out too.

I have no one in my life that I can go to and they help me forget about my pain and suffering. I have no one to help me to feel better.

I feel like today I am at my whit’s end.

This man can’t keep coming out of court with his hands clean and I am the only made to suffer and pay.

They say that good always beats evil – I am good when am I going to win.

I want to take my little one and just start over.

THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY

They say that everything in life happens for a reason...the good, the bad and the ugly. And behind them all there is a reason for it. All the heartache – all the suffering. And I guess the only thing we can do as humans is ask the question “WHY?” Why this lesson what am I suppose to learn from it.

Maybe my lesson is “GLUTTONY”.

THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS HERE

Now I hate to sound like a grump but to be honest with the exception of my daughter I really can’t the holiday season. And the reason for this is because of my family. I know that one of my sister’s (if not both) are going to say something to piss me off. How do I know this because they are both opinionated and swear they can say what ever they want to me; that’s how I know!

Here’s an example my younger sister and I were sitting in my mother’s house hanging out; I was killing time before I had to pick up my daughter of the JERK-OFF and my sister happens to mentions that if you walk at least 15 minutes a day you can add years to your life. So I say “Wow I guess I am going to live to be 105!” And what does the little bitch say “No not your kind of walking.”

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN MY KIND OF WALKING???

I WALK EVERYDAY 15 MINUTES FROM THE BUS STOP TO MY JOB &
15 MINUTES IN THE AFTERNOON BACK TO THE BUS STOP

15 MINUTES TO MY DAUGHTER’S SCHOOL (if it’s a nice day out)

I have never driven therefore everywhere I go is by heel toe transportation.

And my older sister is bringing her idiot husband that I honestly can’t stand. The man swears that he always right and I have to act like I like him. I can never show how I really feel.

I really hate the holidays. That is the one thing I hate about being single around this time I don’t have an ally. Oh Well.

I will be prepared for Thanksgiving I will role a fatty and have a nice stiff drink at home before I go so when I get there I will have nice buzz and I won’t hear half of what they say to me. I hope it’s nice out that day so I can take a walk if it rains I am stuck inside with them.

Well Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

PRIORITIES

Think, think, think...that's all I seem to do lately. But these past few days of thoughts that have been echoing in my mind have been good. I have been kind of beating myself up. Something I believe I need to do a little more often. And now I will blog it so that I will always see and be reminded.

There are things in my life that I should have already done in my life and yes I know with everything that I been going through of course it's easy to lose track but I am saying COME ON NOW!!! I know that I will always write about him because he will always be in my life and he will always do shit to piss me off but it's not my whole world it shouldn't be. (I'm talking about MR. JERK-OFF)

I have been lazy lately lost in a kind of depression I guess maybe because this whole situation can be very consuming and unless you want to be consumed it can get very draining.

And then the other night after I had some great sex with my bed buddy (yes he's improved lucky me but I had a lot to do with it) I thought to myself if I could find my sexual passion again (which was something I missed a lot) how hard could it be for me fulfill the rest of the things that I want. So my list of things that I need:

1.) and as stupid as this sounds I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE. Yes I am a 31 year old single mother living in New York who does know how to drive.

2.) I am on role with my novel but I did slow down for while a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have to leave from Wed-Fri for 2 hour 5:30-7:30 to take my little one to see MR. JERK-OFF so it kind of throws me off my game. But I am getting back on it.

3.) make a home for my little one and me

4.) get my mind, body and spirit in tune

Now I know that all that of that my sound pretty simple for some people but for me it's not that easy.

MISSING IN ACTION

My mind has running like crazy.

My blog buddy Jayce asked some time back what it's like to be a single mother living in New York City. Well I‘ll tell ya…it can sometimes suck really bad and be very stressful but mostly lonely.

It can sucks really bad because know one knows what you go through…know one can put themselves in your shoes even though everyone swears they know what you are going through. They sometimes can’t understand why your broke.

Stressfully because all of our days run into each other and there's never enough hours in the day for us. Money sometimes seems to be at times nonexistent. Stressful because everyone swears that they know how to raise your child better then you do.

Lonely because in the end a single mother’s day to day life can be a little overwhelming for the person in your life that has no children and can’t understand were the exhaustion comes from.

There are times when I close my eyes and see this vision of myself and another life it is so clear and it isn’t a life of riches beyond my wildest dreams or a man that completes me because to be honest I feel pretty whole. But of a life that is calm and some what peaceful for my little one & me.

I have this thought of my life "stress and worry are my wall that keeps the life that see in my dreams so clear and negative thoughts and wishes are the beams that keep it standing. But like any other wall I know that it can come down I just have to find the right tool to knock it down. And for me that is what is so discouraging."

I believe that I don’t win things like the lottery because things like that are for people who need a little luck handed to them and in my case I have always believed myself to be a pretty lucky person. I have been known to create my own luck at times.

All of these thoughts come from the fact that I have a house guest (and no it’s not MR. JERK-OFF I’d have to be crazy to do that) this time it’s family and well my house isn’t big enough and now I feel like I can’t breath. The purpose for this family member moving in was to help me with the rent notice I said “purpose” because to be honest it isn’t any helping.

I have to move out my apartment this April for a few reasons:
1.) The rent is going up in April and with out my child support I will never be able to pay it.

2.) I hate the fact that MR. JERK-OFF has such an easy way of watching me -keeping tabs

3.) To much negative – bad things have happened here I need a fresh start (AGAIN)

I just hate the fact that I just settled in.