He wonders and questions why I don’t want him…why our marriage ended? And I guess it’s the fact that he has to ask the question that drives me crazy. Before I ended things with him I tried my hardest to work things out I wanted to even go to counseling; anything to try and make things work. But making it work was only a one sided effort. Know matter what I begged for or what I pleaded for it fell on deaf ears.
And know matter how many tears I shed for him and the love that we lost…know matter how many times he’s broken my heart he will still always blame me.
Blame me for the fact the my mind wondered all those nights he left me alone.
Blame me for not excepting being chosen second best to the street.
And blame me for not finding him or his life glamorous.
I say this all the time; that the love I once had for him left my body the day I gave birth to our child…I say she took it all. She took all the unconditional love that I held in my heart for him. And I am glad she did too because in the six years that she has blessed me by being on this earth with me he has let her down and broken more promises to her than any grown woman has ever encountered. I have watched her eyes fill up with sadness but it’s that unconditional love that I spoke of earlier that as soon as she sees him the next time her heart is fixed and he’s the greatest daddy again. But I stay holding her pain and he still wonders why?
My family asks is there anyway that I can forgive him; reconcile? They said maybe he can change anything is possible???
So when I through caution to the wind to see if he was capable of change. I realized that he could change for a moment but for the long run he was still the same selfish man I knew before. The only thing that mattered to him was making him happy and fuck my writing. And it is for all the reason that I wrote before why I refuse to bother. And I will never again apologize for who I am again.