LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH

Allow me by start off by saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY LITTLE BABY GIRL!!!! My beautiful little girl turned 8 years old this weekend. So I m the proud mommy of an 8 year old. It kind of freaks me out that one day I’m going to turn around and I am going to have teenage daughter one day. I love being a mother; I love being her mother.

But I will never throw another party with my family again. They really pissed me off. I was going to throw my daughter’s party in the park by my house but because of the rain I had to change it at the last to Chucky Cheese. Which I must say I hate that place. It loud and it can get crazy; not to mention that the place is expensive. My parents know after all the crap I’ve been through with court and that credit card crap that my money is tight. I told them that I didn’t have a lot of money.

I swear the money the food arrived (which took forever for it to get there) my father dived into the food. Mind he told my mother “Let’s have a big breakfast this way we don’t have to eat.” And he was the first driving me crazy about the food and soda. My whole family jumped at the food that by the time the kids came back to the table there was no more pizza.

Fucked up huh?!

I had to order another pie just for them. My daughter was upset that she had to wait. What I don’t get is why did the adults buy their own food considering they all know about my money problems?????

And the answer to that question is simple…MR. JERK-OFF was there. And when he’s around they want him to pay for everything. They don’t care that I’ve told them about a million times that he’s crying poverty and even if he did have money he’s NOT going to let me know it. They enjoy seeing me going off on him and I wasn’t about to do that not on my daughter birthday.

After the food I just wanted to end the party so it was cake time and presents time. So as I am cutting the cake I had my mother calling every 5 minutes to just repeat the same thing over and over. They were driving m crazy.

And the whole time MR. JERK-OFF is watching and what does he tell me “I see your family hasn’t changed when it comes to you.”

And what he meant by that is this…I have the ONLY grandchild in the family and when it come my family that doesn’t matter to them. They don’t go out of the way to see her or call her or anything. My mother was trying to get out of buy her a birthday gift. So you would think that because she is the only grandchild they would do more but they don’t.


I tell you I was SuperMom on Sunday.

I will say this next year I’m doing something else for her. Something just for her and her friends and if my family wants to do something they can do it themselves…cause I’ve had it

MY LIFE PLAN

I found this website for people who want to start there business and one of things on the site is this thing called "MY LIFE PLAN". So I filled it out and decided to put it my blog.


My current status:
Quality rating of my life on a scale of 1-100, with 100 being best
→ 75%
Realities of my life - responsibilities, funds available, expenses
→ My daughter and maintaining a happy and healthy home

• My funds are low - credit bad
• My expenses are almost double what I make

Things that make me happy
→ Writing and having the freedom of being there for my daughter
Things that make me unhappy
→ Owing money and not having food in frig
My ideal life:
→ Owning my own home
→ Driving
→ Being a published writer
→ Starting my own business
→ Being able to take my daughter on vacations
My loves: what I really like doing
→ Writing
→ Reading
→ Having Fun (Hanging with my girls)
→ Spending time with my daughter; relaxing
→ My skills & capabilities: what I do well
→ Writing
→ Computer
→ Creativity
→ Determination
→ People Skills
My track record: what I have experience doing
→ Bartending
→ Sales
→ Computers
→ People Skills
→ Wine Business
My ideal work style
→ Flexiblity
→ Relaxed environment
→ Being able to give something back
→ To make enough money that I don't have to worry every month about how am I going to this bill or my rent and to get off Food Stamps
→
My manifesto Â…outline your personal mission and your values in this section, and wrap this into a statement no longer than one page. This statement of purpose and what drives you should encompass all of the information you've outlined in the previous sections.

→ I want to be able to home enough for my daughter so that she knows that she has asolide support systemm. I also want her to see that hard work will get anything you dream of; no dream is too big. I want her to that she doesn't just have to work for someone. But I also want her to that for everything you get in life you should always give something back.
Key moves to get me where I want to go
→ Getting off my ass
→ Quit being Scared
→ Finish my novel
→ Don't listen to the negativity that is always thrown at me because know one has lived my life
→ Take my life MORE seriously

A NEW BEGINNING

(this card means New Beginning)



Well I am finally done with all my court crap. And let me tell you that I am happy bitch (and I won again). MR. JERK-OFF has to give $150.00 a week in Child Support. Which now he’s all worried as to how he is going to come up with money but that’s not my problem. Oh I have an idea “GET A JOB!!” Now, I can worry about paying my lawyer.

You would think that the people in my family (Mostly my father the most negative man on the face of this earth) would be happy for me. But of course he wasn’t. He thinks that I did nothing but gave MR. JERK-OFF time to get his shit together. UM hasn’t he been paying attention that’s all I want is for him to get his shit together.

My father believes that I should have taken his parental right away…like I can really do that. I can’t just go to court and say, “I want to take his parental rights away!” I mean they have criminals in jail who still have right s to see their kids. They are not going to take my daughter away from him just because I say so and he has a criminal background. My father also thinks that I should have asked for more money. I explained to my father that it’s not up to me what I get it’s up to the court. But of course I have NO IDEA what I am talking about and he does…cause he of course has been a single mother and has gone through the system. My father can be such a pain in the ass.

Over the weekend I went to my older sister’s house for something called a crab boil. Now let me be honest I haven’t really wanted to be around my sister’s since my younger sister’s wedding thing. I hate the fact that they keep secrets from me. Not to mention my older sister always acts like I’m some kind of embarrassment when she’s around her friends. Everything I say she rolls her eyes at and makes fun of so I really wasn’t up for being there. But I went cause my mother made and my daughter wanted to go. But I kept my distance but when I left saw that my older sister had a professional picture of my younger sister from her wedding day. I was about to flip out but instead I just put the picture down and walked out. And in the car on the way home I asked my mother if she got one and my mother said no.

I have no idea what is going on with my younger sister or was I did to her. And to be honest at this point I don’t really feel like asking either.

VIRGIN

I did something last night I never did before…I went to Bryant Park for their movie in the park. I have always wanted to that to but I have been so busy and crazy lately that I really haven’t had time to do anything do for me.

I have to admit that it was pretty cool. I saw And next Monday is the last night of movie festival and if weather permits I’m going to that one too.

There is something else I really want to do to and the Shakespeare in the Park but at one requires $$$$ and that is something I don’t have.

Tomorrow is another court day this is one is about Child Support. I can’t wait for this crap to end.

EVERYONE IS A WINNER

There are times when I forget that I am in control of my life…yes God may put obstacles in front of us all the time but what I forgot is that He don’t give us anything that we can’t handle.

So I’m not sure if I mentioned this before but I won the visitation case against MR. JERK-OFF and I went to court the other day for the credit card bullshit well I won that. The damn company didn’t even the application with my signature on it or any purchases that were made on the card. So the judge threw the case out and ordered them to return my money.

So 2 court cases down and 1 to go.

I was thinking about my situation what with my job and maybe just maybe it was God’s way of tell me “Mica you’re getting comfortable and you’re letting your dreams slip away”

THE VERDICT IS IN

So speaking with my boss and doing the research I won’t be going with him at the end of September. And I’m pissed because I finally found myself a job I liked something that didn’t take me from my daughter and now I have to give it up.

I have worked for other people and me being a single mother doesn’t work for them but what they don’t understand is that she comes first and always will. My mind is running like crazy right now with questions; like “What am I going to do?” “What am I going to for money until I find a job?” “Will be able to pay my rent when the time comes? (Cause it’s not like I can start a nest egg not with all the money I owe) “And why won’t the piece of shit asshole I call an ex get a job!?” “Will I be able to collect unemployment?”

I’m so depressed right now and I really don’t want to be but that’s the only emotion I know right now

FEELING A LITTLE LOST TODAY

I went on interview this weekend for a pretty cool company. It would be on part time bases which is fine with me (which I REALLY, REALLY hope I get). And then after my interview I sat in Cosi’s on Broadway & 13th working my novel and I sat there I really wished that I had my camera with me. There were so many pictures that I wanted to take. I looked at how some of the people were dressed on beautiful Saturday afternoon. I always found it so interesting how the people of New York (and I mean in the city) are like snow flakes…meaning you’ll never see two people looking the same. But now if you go to the Bronx every guy and every girl looks and sounds the same. I guess that’s why I love being in the city.

Finally a friend of my mine showed up and we went for a walk. We walked through the outside flea markets. I looked at all the things I wished I could have bought. We then ended up in the village which is my FAVORITE place in the city. I WOULD LOVE, LOVE to live there. I look up at the windows and wish one was mine. All in all it was nice day. I had fun.

My weekend was pretty quiet because after my visit to the city I hide in my grandmother’s house with my daughter and enjoyed the silence. Now everyone in my family knows that since my grandmother has been in PR that on Saturdays I take my daughter there. When I got home Sunday night there wasn’t a single phone call from my family not a one. I haven’t spoken to my younger sister since the night of her party. Time has pasted and I’m over my sister’s wedding thing. You know whatever…

This morning I woke up and it really bothered me that I haven’t heard from anyone in while. If I don’t pick up the phone and call them they won’t. Now that’s some what expectable from a friends but family??? I don’t think so.

So on my way to work today I couldn’t stop thinking about that…how my family never calls me, never look for me or my daughter. Honestly they only look for her when they get wind that MR. JERK-OFF’S Family is looking for her. And it’s been that way since she was born.

My thoughts went back to a time when I wasn’t close to my family and this all started pretty much when my adopted my brothers moved in. I got lost in the shuffle of kids. But after my daughter was born I really wanted the whole close family thing. And I realize now that maybe it was all just one-sided. (This is not including my grandmother & aunt; they have always been there for me since I was a little girl I went with them everywhere)

Which then got me to thinking; “Every decision I make in my life I think first about how they (my mother, father & sisters) would feel about.” And why should I keep doing that when they obviously don’t stop to think about how there decisions could affect my daughter & me.

For example X-mas & News Years Eve they have left town plenty of time and didn’t stop and think about how her or I would feel about not spending the holiday with them. The same for my little ones b-day; they messed a few her birthdays and this is the ONLY child in the family.

So as I have done with the men in my life I am going to do with my family. I have to keep putting me and my little ahead of EVERYONE INCLUDING MY FAMILY!!!!